Behind the Mask sounds like it could be a Zorro or Batman movie, but in 7 Ways to Use Your Useless Masks, we will explore….well….ways to use your now useless facial pandemic accessories. What you do with your haz mat suit is entirely up to you. You can always save these things for the next pandemic. I hear the gas masks in Europe from WWII might come in handy, but let’s hope not.

Now cue the harp music and try to remember, not so very long ago, we talked mask, mask, mask, all day long. We fantasized about what designs to put on the mask; whether we needed to wear one at all, or whether we needed to wear one when we were all by ourselves in a car on a freeway going at a clip of 70 mph, or whether we were allowed to pull it down under our noses–which essentially meant you had a moist towelette stuck on your lower face.

Like you had been wearing your dinner napkin around your mouth in a metaphorical protest against dietary restrictions and just decided to leave it there. Or if you were one of the people who subscribed to a gaiter, maybe you had been riding the trail on a horse in a sand storm, and in true cowboy style, pulled your kerchief up over your face to get along those little doggies.

We now have millions of yards of material and elastic floating around and I haven’t heard a peep out of the environmentalists. There are uses for these fabric remnants of a time gone by–a time before war, before protests, before whatever.

Herewith are 7 ways to use your useless masks:

1. It can be put to use as a gerbil hammock.

As the famous creator of Mike Hammer, Dashit Hammock, once said, “Life is what happens to murderers.” Aside from trying to be more like Mike Hammer, gerbils need a place to rest and relax. Running 24/7 on that tiny treadmill isn’t cutting it for them. And all they get to eat are pellets.

You can also use it for a toy poodle hammock or a mouse hammock.

2. Gather all ye masks while ye may and make a folksy quilt.

We made such a big deal about “being in this together.” That sentimental outlook on pandemics and our feelings of unity lasted for approximately five minutes. It would be great to honor that fleeting camaraderie with a Mask Quilt. Much like a wedding ring quilt from Appalachia.

The mask quilt will represent all cultures and attitudes from around the world and as such, it will be much too confusing to sleep under. Just hang it in the garage and you and your buddies can discuss it over a few beers, while you relax on those metal chairs placed six feet apart.

3. Continue to go anonymous.

With sunglasses and a mask, no one could tell who you were. Let’s keep it that way. Life was a bit more peaceful back then. If my neighbor was out committing crimes, I had no way of knowing and was better off for not knowing. If we could extrapolate this to the internet, it would be great.

4. Use the mask as a slingshot.

Slingshots were the bomb. Ellie May, from the Beverly Hillbillies, used her double barreled slingshot in productive ways.

Before we had bombs and bullets, we used slingshots and arrows to damage animate and inanimate things. Arrows and rocks from slingshots flew through the air with deadly force, as if from a catapult. You could use a well constructed mask as a mini catapult when you want to get a point across.

5. Wear it to the beach.

It’s the new bikini. No supply chain issues with this bikini. Whereas, when a mask was a mask, it hid more than it revealed. As a bikini, it will reveal more than it hides. Where you strap those stretchy things for your ears is entirely up to you.

6. If you are a student, use it to cheat on tests.

I can’t think of a better way to hide notes and cheat sheets than on a mask that may, or may not, be mandatory now.

7. Use them to hide snacks.

This one shouldn’t need to be pointed out, but if you lost a few brain cells from not having enough oxygen for two years because you wore a mask 24/7, I pointed it out for you. Hide your snacks in them, wear them while they’re stuffed full of snacks. Horses have been doing this for centuries.

Keep wearing the mask to hide the fact that you are a very happy person munching on snacks. Everyone hates happy people.

8. Bonus: Use them to hide valuables.

No one wants to mess around in used masks to find your diamonds.

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