8 Covid-19 Conspiracy Theories That Make Perfect Sense
There are at least 8 Covid-19 conspiracy theories floating around out there, and they all make perfect sense. To me, at least. But then, I got to listen to my mom (an aficionado of George Noory’s) and her theories. She was positive black helicopters (seen in the sky only on breezy days), were spraying something on the populace to get rid of the old and the vulnerable.
I used to listen to Noory and his predecessor, too, back when I had a job that kept me up all night. I loved that show. In fact, I loved all the AM shows except Laura WhatsHerName of “Do the right thing,” fame. I did a lot of commuting through the desert, and AM came in great.
Without further ado, here is my list of 8 Covid-19 conspiracy theories:
1. The Democrats started it to de-throne Mr. T.
Okay, this makes perfect sense, except that Mr. T is actively trying to empty the shallow end of his followers’ gene pool with his “medical suggestions.” He has a lot to answer for, telling people to swallow fish tank cleaning stuff, particularly when he has servants to clean his aquariums.
2. It’s a crytocurrency thing.
If I understood fake money more, I could explain this one better. As far as I’m concerned, cryptocurrency is like Monopoly money–you can win and lose it on a throw of the dice (also true of real money). However, there are more conspiracy theories surrounding cryptocurrency than there are around Covid-19.
Ergo, cryptocurrency conspiracies are a subset of Covid-19 conspiracy theories. Some people believe cryptocurrency–or bitcoin–is the work of the devil, the “mark of the beast.”
Somehow, it means we get only so much money or whatnot to buy basic necessities and this number will be noted on us somewhere. Like, you go to buy a half gallon of milk and the grocery store clerk has to to tattoo a new number on you because you used up part of your bitcoin allotment.
Seems like ATMs and banks have already accomplished this by subtracting your funds when you use them.
3. Batman–or Ben Afleck–started the pandemic in an attempt to interest Hollywood in another Batman movie.
Maybe it was just bats that started all of this in a lab-OR-a-tory. People have been hating on bats forever and they’re sick and tired of it.
On the other hand, some people believe lizard people are running the world, so maybe bats want some of that action. Batman might be perfectly innocent of wrongdoing.
On the other other hand, it might be zombies, who have a vested interest in apocalypseseses, that started this. I don’t know if they have the brains for it, though.
4. Trump owns stock in fish cleaning supplies, and/or Johnson and Johnson.
Why else would he suggest people inject Clorox into their veins? He might fancy himself Mickey Spillane and wants people to “be clean inside, Mike.”
He should have suggested that this would work only for Democrats and thereby kill many birds with one stone. Except that Democrats don’t own fish, as a matter of general rule. They eat them in the form of sushi, but they don’t have them in tanks of water.
5. On the other hand, maybe Mr. T started it as an excuse to delay the election indefinitely.
He won’t have much to rule over by then, if he keeps extending the lockdowns, but isn’t he an admirer of Kim Jong Un? If KJU can rule over a dark, depressed land where all the lights are out, so can he. Then maybe people will quit making fun of his orange tan.
6. Netflix, or some other channel, was tired of losing out to Amazon.
They knew people would binge watch their stuff if they had to stay home.
7. Greta Thunberg is behind this somehow.
The earth has had a big breather for the last month and a half. Flowers are singing and birds are sprouting everywhere, rejoicing in the peace and quiet and clean air. Fewer plastic bottles and straws are being thrown away.
Who’s to say she didn’t meet a Russian agent in the middle of the ocean on that cruise she took and the two of them cooked the whole thing up? Using natural gas, natch.
8. Someone wants to buy low so they can sell high.
I had to move some funds around myself in my Robinhood account. For awhile there, the stock market looked like the trajectory of an Acapulco cliff diver after he took the plunge. I was getting seasick trying to keep track of my $500.
Some people blame Bill Gates, saying he invented the virus as a bioweapon. Why he should want to do this, I don’t know, except that of course, it’s real easy for him to stay home. His house is so big, he and his wife sometimes don’t see each other for days. Mostly because they forgot their way to the kitchen or bedroom.
People came to this conclusion because Bill mentioned a future pandemic in 2009 or something, like he knew it was going to happen.
By that logic, they should blame Star Trek Whichever One You Want, which always had a plague handy. Or Dustin Hoffman, that mad scientist.
Or, a bonus number 9:
The NRA is behind it, or the self-tanning people who sell UV lights, or even parents/bread baking supply/homeschool supply/any number of possibilities people.
Or maybe it was me. I designed a bunch of new tee shirts, which would not have been possible without a pandemic.
6 thoughts on “8 Covid-19 Conspiracy Theories That Make Perfect Sense”
Got another one for ya!
This was started by people who own toilet paper stock! That stuff’s like gold these days.
Yup! We finally found bleach and paper towels. No TP!
I was at Lucky yesterday and there it was! A 30 (!) pack. We’re rich! Or at least have our butts covered for a while.
30, huh? Time for a midnight requisition….
It really doesn’t matter what the issue is, if you can thrown in ‘cryptocurrency’ you’re really on the ball. So kudo’s for that. If you were really 26 years old you would get lots of upvotes and your article would be quoted, in paragraphs right before the ones about privilege and patriarchy. Cryptocurrency perpetuates the privileged patriarchy because mostly geeky white guys use it, unless you’re really at the top of the drug trade food chain, in which case all sorts of people of color use it too, but only males are up there and that’s a racist thing to day anyway.
But you’re not 26, so people will figure Brandon told you what to say in that part of it. Cryptocurrency is a nice concept actually. There are three ways to create wealth: grow it (agriculture), mine it (oil, gold) or transform it (turn $2 of steel into $1000 of watch springs. So you can’t just declare that a string of 1’s and 0’s has value simply because its the only one like it; rarity does not itself cause value, because value has to come from one of those three things. Make it available to everyone, but make it really, really hard….presto, virtual mining. That is 125% of everything I know about cryptocurrency. If only the patriarchy and privilege were that easy to explain.
Anyway, really funny piece. Great take. My personal favorite is that there is not a Covid at all. Look at it this way,
– In 2018 the plain ol’ flu hospitalized about 900,000 people in the US
– 80,000 people died.
– Evidence shows that the lockdown has minimal effect on the number of deaths.
– We might not reach 80.000 figure of 2018. with covid.
– If somebody took a plain ol’ flu season and called it covid and thought up a scare, what would happen is what we are seeing.
Makes a feller think, don’t it?
First, I AM 26. Sort of. On some days, my IQ reaches that high after lots of coffee.
Second, you understand it better than I ever could. You should teach!
Third, I forgot about it not existing at all. Dang. That is so zen and existential.