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Why Harvard Guys Can’t Get A Date On Friday Nights

It turns out there’s an excellent reason Harvard guys can’t get a date. Studies on violence use all kinds of people for insights into violence; athletes, regular Joes, world leaders. Leaders of countries have many things in common.

They live in super houses, drive fancy cars, and make other people miserable. There may be physiological reasons for this; they have long ring fingers, low resting heart rates, and maybe a lot of pre-frontal matter in the front of their brains. (Is that accurate? Where is this front of the front? Is our white matter glued to our foreheads?)

Regardless, these are signs of a possible dictator or….. president!

You are perhaps ecstatic because Little Timmy has all these physiological signs displayed by leaders of countries.  Like Marcos, Peron, and Saddam Hussein.

Oh, dear.

Before you give your child up for adoption because he is sure to ax you in your bed one night, remember that men become leaders of countries because they are all aggressive in one way or another.

You cannot be a leader of country if you are a peaceful person like Ghandi.

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Actually, an excellent example is Ghandi, who despite his disguise of diapers and a bald head was not really a baby. He did have a low heart rate. This kept him passive-aggressive, and let him walk around India rather than jog. The British never saw him coming.

They would just joke about him in that snooty British way, and have a cup of tea, while Ghandi took back the country.

And like OJ, he had a successful commercial career after becoming famous, including the one he made for diapers: For Peace of Mind, Use Non-Aggressive Depends.

Scientists used Harvard students for their studies on violence, and pitted males and females against one another in war games. Unfortunately, these were real war games, and Harvard has been busy ever since writing apology letters to parents of smart kids.

The students did manage to capture Boston and split it into two new states where the flags are pink and blue, respectively.

In these studies, male students launched more unprovoked attacks than female students. This is why Harvard guys don’t get laid as often as Yale guys. Attacks against female students should be neither provoked, nor unprovoked, if you want to raise that low heart rate on a Friday night, if you get my drift.

The female country’s slogan, writ large on their pink flag, is: Don’t Expect Sex, Ever Again.

A low heart rate, by the way, is probably why long-fingered guys are seeking stimulation in dangerous and unconventional ways. Their hearts aren’t giving it to them and now neither are the girls.

The ring finger that is longer than the index finger is the mark of Cain, and we know what he did. A long ring finger in itself doesn’t cause crime, unless you are like the guy in ‘Army of Darkness’ and your severed hand is provoking you to do naughty things.

Maybe by crooking a finger at you, and then pointing to a safe in the wall.

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Higher testosterone levels in utero are responsible for the digit length difference. There is a correlation between women who smoke during pregnancy and longer digit length in their children. Women who smoke apparently have more testosterone and the smoking blocks estrogen from the fetus.

I have that long ring finger and my mom never smoked, so she may be the exception that proves the earth really is flat.

If you want to find out just how bad smoking is, because you don’t believe any scientist, especially those who work for Monsanto, try lighting up in public when you have a belly the size of Trinidad.

(You don’t have to really be a pregnant woman for this; you just have to play one on TV. You don’t even have to be a woman. Just be sure and put your finger over your mustache.)

You will not be in the dark for long about the dangers of smoking. The Pregnancy Police, who have been cited on more than one occasion for attacking first and asking questions later, will be on top of you like linebackers on a quarterback.

In fact, after they get off of you, make sure you still have your baby intact inside your stomach. They may have taken it like a football and are even now running down the street waving the baby in triumph. The baby is already ticked, because he was just trying to have a smoke in peace.

This technique works for other things, also, such as whether you want to find out if a glass of wine with dinner is okay.

Smoking could be considered anti-social behavior in itself. So, if you are pregnant, and want to make sure you will be posting bail and finding attorneys on Saturday nights for that kid who is already wearing a skull ring when he’s five, then by all means, have a smoke.

Well, they told us a long time ago that cigarettes had a symbolic meaning. We also know they have negative health effects on the general public’s tolerance level and that you can be ‘fingered’ for a lot more than just bad behavior.


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6 thoughts on “Why Harvard Guys Can’t Get A Date On Friday Nights

  • March 9, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Ahhhh, Thanks Darling you even made Smoking fun and frivolous in the face of the angry mob of would be do gooders.
    Oh here let me dump that ashtray for you, I can see how stressful writing can be sometimes. Love ya

    • March 9, 2016 at 7:53 pm

      Love you! xoxo

  • March 9, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    You are a “smart cookie!” Enjoy your writings!

    • March 9, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      Hi Grandma! Thanks for reading and enjoying! xo

  • March 9, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    Um – Bush went to Yale… As to the digit length theory – I read about that some time ago then spent many hours going through old photos of my ex’s looking at hands, hoping to prove nothing was my fault. And my mom said she didn’t smoke while I was incubating, yet my necessary teen years electrolysis sessions says otherwise. Have you checked out Ghandi’s fingers?

    • March 11, 2016 at 1:57 am

      You couldn’t help being hirsute. That’s more due to genes, isn’t it? As for Bush, what does a Yalie have to do with this? I can see you poring over pictures- what a hoot. I have not checked out Ghandi’s fingers. Are they all stubby, proving the whole theory wrong?


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