So far, I’ve counted 11 things that make this the best quarantine of my life. Granted, it’s the only one I’ve been on, not having had small pox when I was young. That would have been a really sucky quarantine and I’m glad I missed it. I had chicken pox, instead.
Most of us are able to hole up at home like it’s a holodeck on the Voyager, we have so much of everything we need–except maybe toilet paper. For a change, the already retired probably have it the easiest.
The things I’m liking about this quarantine are good enough to go in a listicle. Listicles are one of my favorite things to write and to read, so we can count that, right off the bat.
1. Curbside service is the bomb.
I realized I loved this whole quarantine thing when I bought a discbound notebook and accessories (where has this discbound concept been hiding my whole life?) today on the Office Depot website. They told me I could pick it up curbside and they’d text me when it was ready. It was ready before I even picked up the phone to check.
I drove over there to an empty parking lot, pulled up in front, and two minutes later a guy on roller skates–wearing short shorts and a tank top–brought me my purchases on a tray he was holding up to his shoulder. Okay, okay, he wasn’t wearing a tank top. He was shirtless. I catcalled him and drove on home. Like an idiot I washed the outside of my purchases and got some of my new paper wet.
2. Shopping online is patriotic, not self-indulgent and lazy.
Shopping online is now more desirable than ever. This is how we’re going to have to meet a mate, get married, have babies. After choosing a guy on Sleazeball Singles and swiping right, you will make a choice between two or three models of a baby, throw it in a cart, pay for it, and either pick it up curbside, or they will ship it. Wash it after it arrives via drone, which will be disguised as a stork.
3. There’s no traffic, which makes me very happy.
No traffic is a statement that can stand by itself. Only it can’t: Regardless of time, season, or pandemic, there is street work in Vegas. I had less than two miles to drive to Office Depot and STILL there was road work that made the trip 15 minutes long.
4. No one is begging for money.
There are no panhandlers. If you try to give someone money now, they look at you like you offered them broccoli instead of change. Panhandlers want nothing to do with us sick, po’ folk.
5. You get to wear a disguise.
I’m one of those old-school peeps who combs their hair, puts on pants of some kind, and applies a little lipstick when I go out. Last time I went somewhere, I realized no one could see me.
This is like an espionage dream come true.
6. Sales, sales, sales. Red sales in the sunset.
Everything is on sale. What could be better?
7. Appointments are by phone only.
Doctors’ offices are closed. We have a doctor for whom we always wait two hours in the front and one hour in the back waiting rooms. It got so I’d sign in on time and then leave for two hours. By the time I returned, they were just getting ready to call me to the back, where I would wait for an hour.
Now I can do that in the comfort of my own home. You don’t even have to be sick to get some good drugs. Do some digital magic and make it look like there’s a house fire going on around you. Tell the doctor you’ve got a boo boo on your whole body and need something fun to take, because now, you can’t stay at home.
8. Phones are fulfilling the purpose for which God made them.
People are answering their phones. Whether they’re civilians or businesses, they jump on that thing like it was a grenade and they’re Audie Murphy saving fellow soldiers. People are so anxious to talk to someone, they forget how much they hate talking on the phone.
9. We don’t suck for the time being.
Businesses like us again. They used to complain about the lowly consumer–you and me. Suddenly, they realize we’re the ones who give them money and they’re ready to kiss our feet. I like that.
I do need a pedicure by now, though.
10. People are getting funnier everyday.
Come on; when was the last time you saw so many funny things in such a short time period? Not since the Cold War has life been such a hoot.
11. You know where your friends are at almost any given time.
Friends are home all the time now. It’s a refreshing change listening to them whine for a change about having to stay at home. It’s what I’ve been doing for the last few years, until my hip replacements.
Plus, I get to tell them everything I’ve been doing while they binge watch Ozark, or something: Building a Shopify store with my own tee shirts, studying TEFL so I can teach English online, signing up for Udemy classes, going on a Quarantine Fast, writing another book.
Smug is such a nice feeling, even if it only lasts until you realize you have to vacuum the frikkin’ house again.