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Homicide And The Budget Deficit: Or, A Murder Occurs!

Homicide and the budget deficit are easily solved by ordinary citizens. Solving it through homicide might seem counter intuitive, because if we kill off our citizens there will be fewer people to tax and we won’t be able pay our representatives and senators. But hang in there and read on. I’ll explain.

I saw a poster on social media which said that in celebration of the New Year, I Should Leave My Comfort Zone. The reasons for this remain unclear to me. The person who posted it thought the beginning of a new year was the perfect opportunity to do this leaving of our comfort zone thing.

My reaction when I read it was not conducive to the spirit of the suggestion. I work hard to stay in my comfort zone and I’m not leaving it, even for dessert.

I’ll leave it if there’s a Zombie Apocalypse. There was one of those, but it bypassed my house due to high winds. People who wear ragged clothing are frequently blown away on breezy days.

My comfort zone is pretty big. It encompasses wherever I happen to be sitting. Occasionally, I have been tempted to leave it to solve a murder. If you’re laughing now because you doubt that I could solve a homicide, I have proof positive that ordinary citizens just like me are the people who solve them.

I subscribe to Book Buddy. This is an alias for the real service I subscribe to, Book Bub, but keep their identity on the down low. They send me an email every day about books that are free or deeply discounted, which is twice as much as it costs to borrow them from the library if the library still carried books.

The library still carries books. Chill.

Many of these titles in Book Buddy are in the mystery genre, particularly Murder Most Foul. Their titles have the word murder, homicide, death, or corpse in them.  (Corpse is another word for a ballet company whose dancers are all dead. That’s a BOGO: A murder for the sleuth and a stupid pun for me.)

Moving on.

The main characters in these murder mysteries are usually: A bookstore owner, or a little old lady who knits or gardens, or a middle-aged divorcee with small dogs, or an English teacher in Anytown, Anywhere.

These people are the brave and intelligent ordinary citizens who set out to solve a murder and find out ‘whodunnit’ when a murder invariably occurs in their vicinity. I’ve been in the vicinity of many things, including places and people, and a murder has never ‘occurred’ in my vicinity. This lack of murders in MY vicinity is anti-American and I want to know why I’m being discriminated against.

However, the ordinary folk in these murder mysteries might be major movie stars and I wouldn’t hang out with them. They’re always around when a homicide happens. I don’t know why they aren’t under closer scrutiny by the cops.

homicide and the budget deficit on chezgigi.com
“Scooby, only you and I can solve this murder which occurred in our vicinity.”

“Uh, Miss. I’ve seen you before, haven’t I? Weren’t you the one who ‘solved’ that murder last week, and one the month before that, both of which took place in your bookstore under ‘M’ and ‘H” respectively?”

There are so many of these amateur sleuths, that I wonder why we bother with law enforcement personnel. Then I remembered that law enforcement exists to make sure both your taillights are in working order. You’d think little old ladies could take care of this responsibility, too. But no, they’re all away solving homicides instead of shaking their fingers at drivers.

Just today and yesterday, these are the titles I received in my inbox from Book Buddy:

Aunt Bessie Decides

I don’t know what she ultimately decides, but she’s a little old lady attending a Shakespearean festival with friends, staying in a motel nearby when a murder occurs. An actor is murdered right during the performance!

Aunt Bessie must solve the murder before The Twelfth Night, or whenever their reservation is up. Whichever comes first.

Assault and Pepper

This is a cute title and one I thought of a long time ago. There’s a woman named Pepper who owns a spice shop. A murder occurs and she finds a dead body, otherwise known as a ‘corpse’, on the doorstep of her shop.

So naturally, she is pulled into the investigation and will ultimately solve the murder because she uses turmeric, which is good for you. And gingko biloba.

A Plantation Shudders

This is a cute title, too, but I didn’t think of it first. The lady in this book goes to Louisiana to help in her family’s B and B, when a murder occurs.

Actually, two murders. Two of the guests are killed and she has to solve the murders before she goes to jail for the crime. I’m not sure why she would kill two paying guests, virtually assuring that they won’t return, but maybe she wanted to collect their Social Security checks, or they were about to leave a bad review. That’s plenty of motivation right there, and is precisely the reason they named the review site, Yelp.

Next time, hire outside the family, people.

A Gilded Grave

Deanna goes to Rhode Island to attend a ball thrown by a ‘lord and his sister’ (why are there lords and their sisters in Rhode Island?) and a murder occurs.

First of all, Deanna should have known better. Murders always occur at balls. I’m not sure why; perhaps it’s the stress of people having to change out of their sweatpants and tee shirts into tuxedos and ball gowns.

She has to solve the murder and clear her former fiancé of suspicion. I don’t know whether the lord was her former fiancé, but if he was, I’d let him go to jail. Lords don’t belong in Rhode Island. He can afford a great attorney, anyway.

To make up for my lack in solving any homicides, I can solve the budget deficit problem instead.

To wit: We should fire all homicide detectives, but keep them on a consulting basis. It’s clear we don’t need them. Ordinary people from all walks of life can do the grunt work of solving murders.

Now, I’m going back to my comfort zone and I hope that a murder doesn’t occur in it.

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13 thoughts on “Homicide And The Budget Deficit: Or, A Murder Occurs!

  • August 28, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    Oh my goodness, Gigi, I’m crying! This was splendid! Superb! Now I’m imagining prim, curly blonde ladies in a pearl choker and an apron hunting around with a magnifying glass.
    Somehow, stories like this always happen to involve a bell boy, a maid, a police constable and the elderly gentleman next for. And it’s ultimately the bell boy’s cousin’s half brother’s friend who is Found Guilty. A dog would’ve died in the process, and this is what nearly convinces our Suburban Mom to give up her sleuth life.
    Gingko biboka! I suspect those are not real words, at all. Also, a real spice shop murder is best titled “The Cinnamon Murders: A Clove Jones Mystery #4”
    Hilarious post, Gigi! Loved it to bits!

    • August 28, 2016 at 6:23 pm

      Thank you, Mystery Woman! Thank you so much. It’s truly amazing how many amateur sleuths are out there. And Miss Marple and Nancy Drew started it all.

      Clove Jones and The Cinnamon Murders is inspired. Stealing it! xx

      • August 28, 2016 at 8:16 pm

        Oh yes, you’re right! Agatha Christie, you’ve changed family dynamics! Now Regular Old Mom isn’t just that, she’s a secret Super Sleuth who’s investigating while her pot roast’s in the oven.
        The title was inspired by The Holy You, so it’s all yours to take!

        • August 28, 2016 at 9:21 pm

          Hey, thanks Mystery W! The new mom is even more amazing than the Vintage Mom, who built airplanes for WWII and solved murders in her spare time!

  • August 28, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Oh My Darling, as always you see these things through a side show pane of glass a little upside down and twisted but oh so inspired and Hilarious. You are the best my Queen. However I feel we should immediately adopt Mystery W as our reigning Princess as she too is inspired and hugely

    • August 28, 2016 at 9:29 pm

      You’re right. And we’ll make her do all the housework, in between solving mysteries. hahahaha!
      Thank you, honey!

  • August 29, 2016 at 3:30 am

    Those book descriptions are quite accurate, Ms. Wolf. It is obvious to me that you have a new career ahead of you as a sleuth. Or a murderer. Because I laughed so hard at those book descriptions, it was killing me!

    What fun to be had when a pristine doily is the dead giveaway!

    • August 29, 2016 at 3:39 am

      Terry! It woiks, woiks! I was worried.

      Do you get Book Bub? It is a hoot, sometimes.

      I really had to wonder: A)Why have I never found a dead body; and B) Why do we bother with the police when they don’t seem to be solving crimes?

      My secret fantasy is to be an amateur sleuth or like Mrs. Pollifax and become a CIA agent. sigh….

      • August 29, 2016 at 3:49 am

        No Book Bub for me right now. My email box overfloweth already.

        You would be a lovely sleuth, jetting about, causing the guilty to laugh and reveal themselves…or maybe everyone else would be laughing and the straight-faced one is the dirty deed doer.

  • August 29, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    We need grandmas to solve crimes to keep them from putting their nose in everyone’s business. Keeps them busy, you know.

    Keeping granny busy is practically a public service.

    • August 29, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Boy, I’ll say! It would help keep me out of trouble. Great idea, Jayesh. I’m going to call the mayor today, and pass it by him.

      If there aren’t enough murders to keep us all busy, we’ll have to ask people to step forward. Hahahahaha!

      Thank you for your service, sir!

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