Diet Doctors love fat cells, even though the rest of us malign and dis them unmercifully. Because of this, fat cells have terrible attitudes and turn to crime, which they might never do if they had a viable profession to fall back on, like prostitution.
At any rate, there are 101 ways to lose weight, but more ways to gain it, and that is why the third oldest profession, after Interior Cave Decorator, is Diet Doctor. I know prostitution is generally supposed to be the oldest profession in the world. It was invented right after Adam and Eve celebrated their tenth anniversary and the city of Paradise erected the first lamp post.
Without lamp posts, prostitutes would need to rent office space.
Ancient diet doctors–who did not want overweight prostitutes to suffer–were highly paid scientists who spent their lives in industrial cave kitchens, eating pizza and ice cream. The minute they couldn’t button their pants, they informed everyone that these Foods were Fattening. I tip my hat to them, if they don’t mind if I don’t actually wear it.
Hats bug me after awhile, no matter how much I want to look like Doris Day in Calamity Jane.
As for dieting, I used to be a yo-yo dieter. I ate lots of yo-yos, hoping that they would stay down, but they kept coming back and I didn’t gain weight eating them. It was a very satisfactory situation. I’m a highly underpaid, regular person, so I won’t charge anyone for this precious knowledge, I will just tell you to be careful about biting down hard on yo-yos.
It’s important to never gain weight, because when you finally lose it, your body remembers all those great fat cells it used to have. Like when you remember those great comic books your mom gave away as soon as you left for college.
Your body resents that you deflated them, and made them flat.
They never go away, no matter how many Rye Crisps you eat. They might go outside occasionally to have a smoke, or get some fresh air, but even if you rush over and lock the door as soon as they step outside, they will still be there, like that stray dog you gave some scraps to but won’t let in the house.
Locked out of the house, your fat cells will lurk in the hedges, or try to balance on the tires of your car which is really hard when you’re round and plump. They’ll hop on the distributor cap of the engine, trying to stay warm. They will hide around the corner by your front door, plastered against the wall like crazed killers.
They’re waiting for the pizza delivery guy, so they can get back in the house as soon as you open the door.
Crazed killers actually look more like a pizza delivery guy, and will calmly ring your doorbell, and act like a normal person. If you want to live longer, you should just let the fat cells back in the house.
Relax together on the sofa and watch a movie.
To lose weight, according to the Diet Doctors, who by this time are lying on the kitchen floor in a carbohydrate-induced stupor, like that pile of drunken elephants, you should eat a bunch of calories in the early part of the day. That is why the DDs are lying on the floor at ten in the morning. Throw the pizza and ice cream right in the blender, along with your spinach and kale. This drink will make you throw up, so you will not gain weight.
This is also a very satisfactory situation.
Another tip the Diet Doctors came up with besides telling us that WE need to work off the pizza and ice cream THEY ate, is to Control Our Portions. To make this easier, put on a beanie, go to an elementary school, wait for lunch, and then steal one of the trays that are divided into all those little compartments.
Don’t worry about going hungry; the DDs may be really smart and highly paid, but they don’t understand the concept of piling up food.
Which is really easy to do, after learning it at age eight and going to your first buffet. Don’t bother to disguise your mustache or worry about being taller than the kids; 95 percent of elementary school students have a mustache and are six feet tall, due to the hormones in the milk.
Adam was able to keep his weight down, no matter how many mastodon pizzas he ate, because he was always walking the streets, looking for a prostitute. Why he didn’t get arrested too, I don’t know. Most likely, he didn’t loiter under the lamp post.
If he saw a cop, he’d start running, and eventually became a Jogger.
After awhile he got really bored, because there was only one prostitute at the time, and she was On a Break, so he picked up a long stick and hit rocks into holes in the ground, and thus invented golf. This should have helped him stay slim too, but instead, he got hungry and started eating fermented fruit that had fallen off the apple tree.
This is what happened to those elephants who think they are scientists. Elephants eat all that fermented fruit, thinking this is good for them, and they get drunk. They try to put some of that fruit in their trunks to take home for their next party.
Adam, however, forgot about golf and prostitutes, and just went home to paint more stick people on the walls of the cave, which really ticked off Eve who’d just had an Interior Cave Designer over.
There are lots of excellent tips to lose weight out there, most of them invented by people who weigh 110 pounds and eat only lettuce. All you need to do to learn these tips is wait for the Diet Doctors to reveal them.
They will be getting up off the kitchen floor soon, because the pizza delivery guy just rang the bell.
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