Why do Americans leave home when they grow up?

Eventually, they get sick and tired of not having their own ‘pad’ they can mess up, but if they’re smart and it’s not too crowded in the Mater and Pater’s house, they may as well stay. They can save most of their paycheck if someone makes them get a job.

For girls, leaving their parent’s tutelage became a necessary rite of passage sometime in the last century. Moving out was going to be the only time she could live alone, or at least, be on her own, without someone’s ‘protection’ or interference.

It would be the only time she didn’t have to work harder than she ever did before, cooking, cleaning, shopping, sewing, for an entire family, and without a paycheck to show for it. Later, she’d be expected to do all that, and  have a job.

Women going from a father’s protection, to another man’s, makes husbands sound as they’re ‘made’ men in the Mafia, but I don’t think anyone has glommed onto that fact.  It wasn’t the usual thing to give them protection money just because they married your daughter.

Other than a brief interlude in the 40s when they found out they could build airplanes and make some nice pocket money, this remained the status quo for women, up until the 1960s. After the war, they were expected to quit their jobs, get married, and do their patriotic duty by having kids.

(Who would grow up and try to change America. It’s the Circle of Life.)

Sometime in the 1960s, Hugh Hefner, after spending every spare night in his lab in the Mansion, assisted by two gorgeous, nude female lab assistants (they really should have worn white coats, for cripe’s sake), invented the birth control pill.

It took him a long time, because his lab assistants kept getting pregnant. This really played hell on Human Resources, who couldn’t, for the life of them, design a Playboy bunny outfit that would disguise that.)

Nuh un, Mr. Employer Man! I take the pill!

As for boys, they’re the ones sticking around home, now.

Not long after his invention of the birth control pill, Hugh was drinking port on his round bed and drank a little too much.

He started feeling maudlin and melancholy about wasting his youth on hundreds of naked blondes. (Later, he would found a law firm to help with legal issues occurring because of this state of mind: the Maudlin and Melancholy Law Firm.)

He went for a walk to visit his stables (with real horses, mind you, not naked blondes) leaned over one of the stalls, almost spilling his port, and struck up a conversation with a mare. One thing led to another and nine months later, Nature being the slut she is, Little Pony was born. Hugh liked to call his offspring My Little Pony, not being one to share.

With the advent of the internet (which Hugh Hefner also invented, with the help of two other gorgeous, naked young women, all of them working night and day so that Porn would be ready to launch when the Internet did), boys discovered Hugh’s Little Pony.

Hasbro, in cooperation with the National Association of Women, Hugh Hefner, and the Boy Scouts of America, started a production company, and began filming a show called My Little Pony. And boys began to stay home until the age of fifty.

By never leaving home, they could help their mothers (in between My Little Pony episodes) whose husbands had run off with a Playboy bunny. Young, single women began getting all the plum jobs out there in the Workforce.

Porn movies starring My Little Pony characters are keeping Men to Boyz glued to their computers, declaring they are ‘working.’

They have claimed mental disability based on an addiction to Rainbow Brite, who’s dressed in thong panties and is cracking a whip.

Soon, very soon, we will have seen the last of the human race, and Americans staying home with their parents will be a non-starter.

Edit: This answer is ‘mostly’ true. There are some facts I fractured, such as the purported paternity of My Little Pony. Hugh never copped to it, and there were no DNA tests done.

Also, he and Al Gore are still debating as to who REALLY invented the internet.

We don’t know who invented porn. That could have been anyone, including cavemen middle schoolers, who found out how much fun it was to draw dirty pictures on the walls of their cave.

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