Apps. Endless apps. There was a restaurant that had these. Someone finally ate them all. There are 7 essential apps I could really use in a life chock full of mistakes waiting to happen.
I find myself the owner of a smartphone now, much to my chagrin. I think I have one app on it. No other apps appeal to me. I shouldn’t say that; I really don’t know any other apps, and my life isn’t as full and satisfying as it could be.
My phone just lies on a surface somewhere, mocking me, like that shockingly immature cheese that mocks the guy in a lab coat, who ruefully decides the Big Cheese isn’t “ready” for the grown up responsibility of being eaten in a samwish.
But I do know what I’d like, and here are 7 essential apps that I would buy:
1) I’d like an app that would remind me of who I’m not speaking to.
How many times have I been walking the halls at work or shopping, and I see someone I think I know, but I’m just not sure. This is because I’m most likely not wearing my glasses, and everything in front of me–short of a Boeing 747–is a foggy blur. In fact, I’d run right into the 747, too.
After I smile and wave, I recognize the co-worker who routinely snarls every morning, hasn’t returned a “Hello” in ten years, and bad-mouths everyone to the boss.
I know we’re supposed to turn the other cheek, but I run out of cheeks all the time.
The Grudge App would sound an alarm, a really loud one “Ooooweeeoooo!”, when it gets wind of that snake, and let me know I’m not speaking to this person.
“Ah, thank you, Grudge App. Once again, you have saved me from being overly civilized. How can I ever thank you?”
2) I’d like an app that would tell me when NOT to speak.
The Shut Up App would have been helpful that time I was working as a restaurant hostess and I asked a man if “That would be one adult and two children?” only to have one of the “children” hiss at me, “I’m his wife!”
If I’d had an app back in the 70s that could have hissed at me first, “Look more closely!” I’d have avoided a great deal of teenage embarrassment.
Same applies to the times you’ve asked a pregnant woman when she’s due, and she tells you the baby was born six months ago. This app would lift its head from your phone, take a gander at the person you’re about to tick off, and it would pinch you on the nipple or some other tender bit.
It would be useful at work before you let it drop that you weren’t really sick yesterday, unless your tan has already given you away to your co-workers. Or when you’re on the phone with say, a job interviewer.
It will tell you in no uncertain terms not to throw caution to the wind and reveal that you do, indeed, love to sniff the glue and highlighters when you’re in the supply closet.
3) I’d like an app that would warn me that my new acquaintance is a neurotic freak. Or just a garden variety crazy person.
The Get Away From Them Fast app would have saved me angst a few times, but there are lots of neurotics and various crazies to go around.
This app would be quiet, but make a face like your mother used to do when you started talking to the “nice man.” It would take you by the hand, give the person a perfunctory smile, and lead you away real fast.
It’d take a surreptitious photo of the person, do a lightning fast internet check on them, and before you could say, “Holy Closet Maniac, Batman!” you’d know all about them. Parents would install this app on their kids’ phones before their kids get a crush on someone whose picture is hanging in the post office.
4) I’d like an app that would immediately give me a witty or scathing retort that I need when I need it, not at 3am in the morning, seven hours after some twit has said something particularly stupid.
I generally come up with something like, “So’s your old man!” or “I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”
I need better trash talk.
Later, when I’m awakened from a sound sleep by this lack of decent closure, I have the perfect retort ready:“Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they’re running outta you!”
The Slam ’Em app would be invaluable. It’d be like the guy who holds up those giant index cards behind the camera so an actor doesn’t have to fumble for what to say. It’d have a store of millions of great retorts for every occasion and come to life the minute it hears someone talking to you who does have great trash talk.
“Oops, my dweeb is getting creamed. Time to act.”
When there’s an argument about politics or history, this app would give me the details to win the debate with style and aplomb. I don’t keep up with current events the way I should. An app like this would help me sleep at night, so I don’t wake up at 3am once again with the perfect zinger, and no one to use it on.
5) I’d like an app that would help me think of imaginative ways to get revenge.
It doesn’t have to be a brick through a window, or a ticking clock wired to a block of C4, but I would like harmless little ways to get even with rude people and Ass Hats.
Like sending them 100 subscription cards. They’d get a bunch of new magazines, like Chicken Ranch Digest or Blenders For Everyone, and they’d spend a lot of time canceling subscriptions.
You get to lounge at home enjoying this vision of their misery, and not worry about the Feds knocking on your door.
What–they’re going to arrest you for mailing subscription cards?
6) I’d like an app that would end all arguments in three minutes flat, with a clear winner. Namely me.
I used to be a substitute teacher, I’m a mother, and I have a significant other. Many of my students, except for the English Language Learners who hadn’t learned to argue in American yet, would argue endlessly with me about stuff.
Well, they’d try, but I’d tell them to shut their cake holes, and do what they’re told.
My son was the same way; he could argue a fine point from the time he was eight, like a shyster attorney representing the Mob.
As for significant others, how many marital arguments has anyone actually won? My app would declare a winner within three minutes, thus saving lives, dishes, and three days of injured silence.
The Nascar app would wave a flag, and if you haven’t finished the argument in the designated laps, it’s over.
7) I’d like an app that could remove images from my head.
Men in Black had a nifty device for this, but it also removed basic information, like your address and phone number.
My Ain’t That Better app would remove the images of whatever was in National Geographic or in those ads of abused animals on TV.
I’m going to keep thinking about this whole app thing; it strikes me that someone is not tapping the proper markets. For instance, they have an app that maps sleep patterns, or where that woman who won’t tell you bought those great shoes.
I know my sleep patterns. Two hours after I fall asleep, after being kept awake trying to think of the perfect retort for that snotty clerk, I wake up and then have to go to the bathroom. My watch glows in the dark, so I know what time it is, and have now mapped my sleep patterns.
I’d like an app that could make sure I sleep for seven hours straight, wake up refreshed, and have my coffee steaming in a cup by my bed.
Ain’t that better?