It’s important to prove you are not a vampire. I wrote a post about how to prove you aren’t a zombie, so I think it’s time to fill in the gaps, monster-wise. I can fill them in with my teeth if you like, but I thought people might prefer if I just wrote about it.
Why is it so important to prove this? What do you care if people are judgey and think you get your sustenance from sinking your teeth into the necks of family and friends and sucking their blood out until all you have left is a human raisin?
Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
“They” might start deporting vampires to Transylvania. They’ll yank you right off your United flight to Cleveland, put you in a seat on TWA (Twansylvania Airlines) and ban you from coming back until you stop being un-dead and start being a Christian.
You’re American. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb in Twansylvania. Or like a canine tooth that’s out of control. Americans stick out everywhere, even in Pennsylvania. Though we promote diversity, there is still much ill will for the differently sustained. Namely vampires.
I studied the signs carefully as enumerated in this official vampire website, and extrapolated them to real life. I also researched studies on the subject.
Physicists are getting in on this gig and debating whether there really are vampires. Why are physicists interested in vampires? They should stick to string theory and figure out how to untangle the clumps of string and all the old ear buds we have in our utility drawers.
Basically, the physicists cited in the article blather on about how if there really were vampires, there would be no humans. They figured it out mathematically and came to the conclusion that if there were vamps they’d have consumed all available resources by now.
Like the shampoo commercial, one vamp bites one person, that person bites one person, they both have bitten two people, and on and on until everyone has bitten someone else (or a bunch of people at a buffet). Therefore, if they took a collective bite out of the population, they’d have created an un-dead planet Earth with no living humans left on it to mess up the environment.
(Do vamps leave a carbon footprint, or just footprints in blood?)
I see their point even if I don’t agree with it. There’ve been six or seven devastating events in recorded human history and many people died. Yet, here we still are, kicking merrily. Still biting, still sucking.
Let’s take another example: Have these physicists-cum-vampire hunters ever been to a seventh grade classroom? It may be anecdotal evidence (the kind scientists hate), but a middle school class is a room full of the un-dead.
Notice the bored and empty gazes. Notice the complete lack of curiosity and surprise. They have sucked the life blood from their teacher and she or he is now the un-dead.
You might as well chop off her head because she has nothing to live for. Look at her eyes and tell me I’m lying.
There are middle and high schools all over this country alone filled with vampires and their victims. It’s only a matter of time before we’re all un-dead, people. There’s your next batch of bureaucrats and politicians.
The following are ways to prove you aren’t a vampire. Or to prove you are one, but we don’t judge anymore. We’re tolerant now. It’s called bio-diversity. Get it? Biology and blood? Biodiversity? Never mind.
Why are vampires being studied by physicists and economists if they don’t exist?
I found a zillion articles on vampires. Either the writers were bitten by other writers or there really are vampires and we’re being warned. I’ve never seen one in real time that I’m aware of, but so what? I’ve never seen a cobra either, except on television.
If there are cobras on television they must be real, you say? Well, I’ve seen more vampires on TV than I’ve seen cobras. If you haven’t been the subject of a magazine article, you’re probably not a vampire.
Do you sleep all day and go out all night?
If this is the litmus test, then Las Vegas is filled to the brim with vampires. Come to think of it, people have been saying that the casino owners are vampires since Bugsy Segal came to town. If you work the graveyard shift, you probably are a vampire.
Do you dress in black?
Most everyone I know dresses in dark colors. This is getting spooky.
Do you like your steaks rare?
Who’d you invite to your Fourth of July barbecue? Did they request their hamburger patty very rare? Like, did they just grab the package of meat out of your hands and start chowing down, blood dripping down their chin while the other guests stared aghast?
Well, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you invited them to your house, you dweeb. Everyone knows vampires have to be invited into a house. Like they’re so Miss Manners. Please. Damn neck jockeys.
What do you look like?
Apparently, if you look like a Victoria’s Secret model, are thin and pale, and-get this-look younger than you really are, you’re a vampire. Now we know how the Royal Family has stayed in power for so long.
Ever notice none of our monsters are overweight? Zombies, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, witches. All pale, all skinny. Every one of them is eligible for the runway at a Paris fashion show. And don’t say zombies aren’t fashionable. They absolutely are. Those holey clothes, those sagging pants.
The Abominable Snowman is an exception. And what did we name him simply for being overweight? Not abdominal, but abominable. So much for not being judgey.
Do you “hang” out by yourself and refuse to give interviews?
I don’t care what the book, Interview With a Vampire, says. It’s a hoax.
Are you interested in this stuff?
Joe McCarthy made the rules when it comes to “unearthing” vampires and Commies.
If you’re interested in vampirology that proves you’re a vampire, then just by reading this, you’ve proved you are one. So are those physicists and economists. I’m calling someone. I know several academicians who are vampires.
See a dentist ASAP if your teeth are pointy.
I’m not letting anyone with a medical degree and a mask get near me. But then, my teeth are pretty normal.
And finally, don’t get certified as a phlebotomist.
That should go without saying. I’ve heard they aren’t able to store plasma for very long, but come on. I can store my blood all day long, right here in my body. Don’t tell me they can’t store it.
Someone is drinking up the proceeds.