Tis the season for the hunters and gatherers to come out of the shadows and enjoy religious freedom. I’d like to bring your attention to an oft-overlooked religion in America, Canada, the UK, and other countries.
The adherents have been scattered across the globe in the search for Religious Freedom from Oppression. They worship all year round, but they ‘come out’ for their main services at the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, just like you and I. The cockles of my heart wax warm just thinking about it!
I’m going to illustrate in pictures, so that all of us will be privileged to see these sacred rituals. Normally, photographers aren’t allowed into their churches during this Oh So Holy Time. They stay away out of respect. But through the miracle of Surveillance, we are allowed to share the joy and the pain of these seekers of wisdom and truth.
The worshippers begin by spending their entire day and sometimes the night before, waiting for something. Is it the Wells Fargo wagon?
No! It’s for something even more wonderful! It’s Lower Prices for Everyone and a New Model of something else!
That’s why people choose to spend the day in the freezing cold, standing in a line with hundreds of strangers on asphalt. They’re all fellow worshipers and the camaraderie and warmth and intimacy in these gatherings only fuels their devotion:
After they’ve done the ritual Standing Around during the Sacred Hours, they clamor to get inside their Church:
Some worshipers are so overcome with the Spirit, they prostrate themselves on the Altar of the Holy Sales Floor before they even get inside!
Once inside the church, a hush falls. (A hush never falls. Get real.)
The worshipers spend hours inside their churches because they can never have too little air and space to move around or a clear path to the outside in the event of an earthquake, fire, or terrorist attack.
Below is shown a ritual called the Undressing of the Virgins. This illustrates their Christmas Spirit. Sometimes the undressing and the battle is done by men, so don’t think this is gender specific to this religion.
If devotees don’t allow members to do this at least once, the Ghost of Christmas Presents comes to visit many of The Chosen before midnight on Christmas Eve, scaring the beejezus out them, and making them break into a cold sweat thinking they may not receive their fair share of the Spirit:
Before you judge these people harshly for simply trying to worship in the church of their choice, you should know that they have to perform these devotions. They are required to empty their wallets in the Giving of Tithes in support of their demanding and angry god.
If they don’t give their money to their church, as much as they can afford, they won’t have the Sacred Keepsakes and Remembrances Room. People of lesser religions place their vehicles in this room, but due to the discipline required to practice their religion, that’s not possible for The Gatherers.
You have to admire their dedication and self-sacrifice:
Other Gatherers are even more dedicated and bring the Hallowed Religious Symbols indoors so that they can truly enjoy them, and be reminded every day of the beauty of their religion:
So while you other, shallower people are off fighting for some silly cause, pause a moment to give these people a thought. Pray for them during their holiest of days, Black Friday.
I jacked this post from my Quora answers. It’s a popular answer with over 3k upvotes. Many people agree with the premise. It’s a ‘normal’ thing that ‘normal’ people do every year. And I think it’s very creepy.