Does a Mean Girl have an advantage over the rest of us?
Like, does a Mean Girl have more shoes, money, or a faster car? Does she ever gain weight, or does she burn up those hot fudge sundaes that she ate the way she burns dollar bills with her Cuban cigars, while she’s lounging poolside?
Shoot, if being a mean girl means I never gain weight and can lounge poolside in my own backyard, I want to be one. It might be too late for me to learn to be a mean girl. I’m a has-been, a faker, a bitter, hateful old woman. These are names I’ve recently been called, so my dance card is currently full. These are names that keep showing up by the perpetrators in new book, The Wolf Bites Back. The perps never get tired of the same ol’, same ol’ name calling thing.
Wait a minute, here. Those very things I’ve been called could turn me into one of the best mean girls this side of Rydell High! I can work with this. I’m going to look silly in a short pleated skirt, but I know there are people out there who’d like to see that anyway. Right, fellas? Don’t blame me when you go blind.
I never learned how to be a mean girl in school, and am not even sure they were around then, but they must have existed from time immemorial. How else did that baroness learn how to kill 400 young virgins and drain their blood back in the Dark Ages? That baroness had Mean Girl Mojo down pat.
I think she took baths in virgin blood. Everyone knows bathing in virgin blood keeps the mean girl juices flowing. It’s kind of an oxymoron. If there were a few youngsters who lied about being virgins, I’m not sure what would have happened to her. She might have had to cuddle a puppy, or something.
I began to study this whole mean girl thing after deciding to try my hand at a Lifetime Movie, which happened after an imbroglio with a real life Mean Girl. I came up with some killer titles, so to speak:
The Woman From Hicksville and Who She Pissed Off
A Question Unanswered: The Gigi Wolf Story
The Cyber Triangle: A Woman’s Story of Answers and Madness
The Deadly Followers and The Ones Who Commented: A Tale of Cyber Terror
An Answer Interrupted: Murder and Betrayal on the Internet
Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comment boxes. Compensation will be in the form of a small print mention in the screenplay manuscript. I’ll ask them to add it to the credits.
As for becoming a Mean Girl, I checked with Wikihow, my go-to source on all things mean, to see what they had to say about becoming a mean girl. According to them, becoming a mean girl is fifteen steps long and is divided into two parts! Now that’s just mean.
So I’m going to give you the Evelyn Wood version of the How To Be a Mean Girl evolutionary process.
After reading and studying Wikihow’s course in Be-Badass-ery, I know my little friend would flunk part of the curriculum, I’d fail another part, but together! Oh, together, she and I would form a Mean Girl who could, who could, well, who could go to Office Depot and get a fake degree printed from the Mean Girl Arts Academy.
1) A Mean Girl is supposed to always look good.
Mean girls set trends and are always pulled together.
That leaves me out, right there. The only time I ever set a trend was when I wore big shirts over leggings topped with high boots. Not because I’m so fashionable, but because shirts never fit me, so I was always stealing my dad’s shirts. The sleeves were longer.
Plus, I always liked the way Puss ‘N Boots looked. It was kind of perverted.
On the other hand, a mean girl is supposed to carry a purse with lip gloss in it. I don’t go to the pool for a work out without applying lipstick.
This first step is a wash.
2) A Mean Girl is nice to just a few people.
See, this is where I get screwed, metaphorically speaking. I’m nice to just about everyone, which is why mean girls think I’m fake. But they’re fake, too! Because a mean girl chooses who she’s nice to, very carefully.
They do this to make other people want them more. I think. I was always part of that esoteric group of girls whose members don’t fit into any clear categories. So I don’t know what makes people want someone more. Unless it’s a guy, and the girl has bodacious ta-tas and long blonde hair.
Wikihow goes on to say that a mean girl ‘fakes’ nice at first. Then she reveals her true nature. I don’t know what that is, so don’t ask me. If she’s known as a ‘mean girl’, I guess it’s self-explanatory.
A mean girl is a loner, and asserts her independence. She’s so confident, and such a bitch, that people long for her approval. I feel as if I’m getting a little closer to graduating with honors, but I fall woefully short in the Bitch class. My teacher hates me. She’s such a bitch.
3) A Mean Girl says whatever she wants.
Here’s Wikihow’s take on this:
People may not like it, but they’ll respect your honesty. As long as you stick to the truth, it’ll be hard to argue with you. Be ready for others to treat you the same way.
Oh, lawdy! Where have I heard the ‘honesty’ song before?
(Forget that loser’s whining. Here’s the rest.)
When you don’t have social manners or subscribe to normal social etiquette, others will see that and feel more comfortable attacking you in the same way you attacked them.
If you say, “You clearly didn’t pass the test because your intelligence is below average” the other person is going to feel wounded and probably retort with something to top you, something ridiculous, like “I’d rather not pass tests than have a face only a mother could love, like yours.”
Get ready for people to be harsh to you back.
I’m starting to feel nice all over, from my hair bows down to my Mary Janes.
4) A Mean Girl will stomp a be-yotch before she can shake a broom stick.
Let’s hear from Wikihow again:
Don’t be afraid to take on a witch. We all know who they are and how destructive they can be. Never be nice to her — even better, ignore her. Make her aware that you don’t like her, and you’re not afraid of her either. If you treat her indifferently, you couldn’t care less about her existence. That’s the stuff that hurts.
Why do I feel like this is the really good part?
5) A Mean Girl Is moody and forgetful.
I think by now I can ‘fake’ my way to being a world class mean girl. I will tell you to “Move out, bozo!'” when I’m driving, if it looks like you’re planning on renting space in the left turn lane, and then invite you in for coffee if you follow me home to yell at me.
And by the next week, it’s quite possible I’ll have forgotten why I was mad at you. But I have my blog to remind me.
A mean girl will fool the adults into thinking she’s been studying Mean Girl 101 very earnestly, when she was really just drawing hearts under her exclamation points on the notes she was passing in class. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that being a mean girl is a no-brainer.
I could have told them this, but that wouldn’t have been very nice.