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How To Be A Mean Girl In Five Easy Steps

Does a Mean Girl have an advantage over the rest of us?

Like, does a Mean Girl have more shoes, money, or a faster car? Does she ever gain weight, or does she burn up those hot fudge sundaes she eats the way she burns dollar bills with her Cuban cigars while lounging poolside?

how to be a mean girl on chezgigi.com
Do I have to comb my hair to be a mean girl?

Shoot, if being a mean girl means I never gain weight and can lounge poolside in my own backyard, I want to be one.

It might be too late for me to learn to be a mean girl. I’d look silly in a short pleated skirt, but I know there are people out there who’d like to see that anyway. Right, fellas? Don’t blame me when you go blind.

I never learned how to be a mean girl in school, and am not even sure they were around then, but they must have existed from time immemorial. How else did that baroness learn how to kill 400 young virgins and drain their blood back in the Dark Ages? That baroness had Mean Girl Mojo down pat.

She took baths in virgin blood. Everyone knows bathing in virgin blood keeps the mean girl juices flowing. It’s kind of an oxymoron. If there were a few youngsters who lied about being virgins, I’m not sure what would have happened to her. She might have had to cuddle a puppy, or something.

I began to study this whole mean girl thing after deciding to try my hand at a Lifetime Movie title, which happened right after an imbroglio on the internet.

I like these efforts:

The Woman From Hicksville and Who She Pissed Off 

A Question Unanswered: The Gigi Wolf Story

The Cyber Triangle: A Woman’s Story of Answers and Madness

The Deadly Followers and The Ones Who Commented: A Tale of Cyber Terror

An Answer Interrupted: Murder and Betrayal on the Internet

Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comment boxes. Compensation will be in the form of a small print mention in the screenplay manuscript. I’ll ask the producers to add it to the credits.

As for becoming a Mean Girl, I checked with Wikihow, my go-to source on all things mean, to see what they had to say about becoming a mean girl. According to them, becoming a mean girl is fifteen steps long and is divided into two parts. That’s one more part than I would have guessed. I thought you just had to be mean to be a Mean Girl. Fifteen steps is just mean.

Fifteen steps is messed up, man.

So I’m going to give you the Evelyn Wood version of the How To Be a Mean Girl evolutionary process.

After reading and studying Wikihow’s course in Be-Badass-ery, I know my little friend who’s been witness to the meanness on the internet that I’ve been subjected to would flunk part of the curriculum, I’d fail another part, but together! Oh, together, she and I would form a Mean Girl who could, who could, well, who could go to Office Depot and get a fake degree printed from the Mean Girl Arts Academy.

Simple, really.

1) A Mean Girl is supposed to always look good.

Mean girls set trends and are always pulled together.

That leaves me out, right there. The only time I ever set a trend was when I wore big shirts over leggings topped with high boots. Not because I’m so fashionable, but because shirts never fit me, so I was always stealing my dad’s shirts. The sleeves were longer.

Plus, I always liked the way Puss ‘N Boots looked. It was kind of perverted.

On the other hand, a mean girl is supposed to carry a purse with lip gloss in it. I don’t go to the pool for a work out without applying lipstick.

This first step is a wash.

2) A Mean Girl is nice to just a few people.

See, this is where I get screwed, metaphorically speaking. I’m nice to just about everyone, which is why mean girls think I’m fake. But they’re fake, too! Because a mean girl chooses who she’s nice to, very carefully.

They do this to make other people want them more. I think. I was always part of that esoteric group of girls whose members don’t fit into any clear categories. So I don’t know what makes people want someone more. Unless the person is a guy, and he wants a girl with bodacious ta-tas and long blonde hair.

Wikihow goes on to say that a mean girl ‘fakes’ nice at first. Then she reveals her true nature. I don’t know what that is, so don’t ask me. If she’s known as a ‘mean girl’, I guess it’s self-explanatory.

A mean girl is a loner and asserts her independence. She’s so confident, and such a bitch, that people long for her approval. I feel as if I’m getting a little closer to graduating with honors, but I fall woefully short in the Bitch class. My teacher hates me.  She’s such a bitch.

You want me to be nice to you???

3) A Mean Girl says whatever she wants.

Here’s Wikihow’s take on this:

People may not like it, but they’ll respect your honesty. As long as you stick to the truth, it’ll be hard to argue with you. Be ready for others to treat you the same way.

Oh, lawdy! Where have I heard the ‘honesty’ song before?

(Forget that loser’s whining. Here’s the rest.)

When you don’t have social manners or subscribe to normal social etiquette, others will see that and feel more comfortable attacking you in the same way you attacked them.

If you say, “You clearly didn’t pass the test because your intelligence is below average” the other person is going to feel wounded and probably retort with something to top you, something ridiculous, like “I’d rather not pass tests than have a face only a mother could love, like yours.”

Get ready for people to be harsh to you back.

I’m starting to feel nice all over, from my hair bows down to my Mary Janes.

4) A Mean Girl will stomp a be-yotch before she can shake a broom stick.

Let’s hear from Wikihow again:

Don’t be afraid to take on a witch. We all know who they are and how destructive they can be. Never be nice to her — even better, ignore her. Make her aware that you don’t like her, and you’re not afraid of her either. If you treat  her indifferently, you couldn’t care less about her existence. That’s the stuff that hurts.

Why do I feel like this is the really good part?

5) A Mean Girl Is moody and forgetful.

I think by now I can ‘fake’ my way to being a world class mean girl. I will tell you to “Move out, bozo!'” when I’m driving, if it looks like you’re planning on renting space in the left turn lane, and then invite you in for coffee if you follow me home to yell at me.

And by the next week, it’s quite possible I’ll have forgotten why I was mad at you. But I have my blog to remind me.

A mean girl will  fool the adults into thinking she’s been studying Mean Girl 101 very earnestly, when she was really just drawing hearts under her exclamation points on the notes she was passing in class.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that being a mean girl is a no-brainer. I could have told Wiki-How this, but that wouldn’t have been very nice.

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14 thoughts on “How To Be A Mean Girl In Five Easy Steps

  • August 14, 2016 at 3:36 pm

    I love this piece.

    You know, sometimes you just have to turn around, give a little smile, throw the match, and burn that bridge.

    • August 14, 2016 at 5:13 pm

      That song from Kelley’s Heroes is one of my faves. It’s on my MP3 for work outs at the pool. I’m going to have to change the name of the song though! Ha!

      I saw something about that- that the guys would not have been able to get the gold home. It was too heavy, too much of it.
      Maybe they buried it, and came back later?

  • August 14, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Or, maybe it was just the thrill of the chase. And then it wasn’t important to keep it.

    (Too deep of a thought?)

    • August 14, 2016 at 6:13 pm

      No, but I’m pretty sure those guys got that gold home somehow, and split it however many ways. I just know it.
      They could have taken it over the border into Switzerland and banked it there.

  • August 14, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    All good takes on the problem of mean people.
    My experience is that most(not all) are mean, slow-minded people that always lose in a battle of the wits. However, physical bullying I feel must be handled more carefully do to the fact that we all are breakable. The best advice is to walk away if possible, or run if need be.

    In my own case, I had a particular hatred for bullies as I was bullied as a child, because of any perceived weakness or imperfection. So I learned how to fight.

    I have found that many bullies are cowards when confronted. Then again, some are brutes that just like to fight and beat on others. Life is difficult enough without having to deal with mean people. But I have never let that stop me from coming to the aid of someone being abused. This too is the way of my Wonderful GiGi.

    Another reason for my Great Love of Her.

    • August 14, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Amen, Hubby of the Gigi. I too was bullied until shoveled off to military school at the ripe old age of 13. One of the first classes I took was boxing. I was never bullied again, nor did I ever start a fight, or bully anyone. But, take a swing at me and you will be sorry.

      I strive to be kind to all, (sometimes to a fault) and absolutely have no use for rude or mean people.

      • August 14, 2016 at 10:45 pm

        You sound like the Hubby of the Gigi!

        He’s rumored to be a mythical creature, much like the Yeti, but can be found in certain areas around town.

        Yep, give a child a way to defend themselves, and you give them confidence. Of course, I’ve seen bullies who become good fighters, too.

        • August 14, 2016 at 10:51 pm

          Well, Hubby or not, the guy paid me good money to call him that.

          • August 14, 2016 at 10:52 pm

            You owe me ten percent!

  • September 1, 2016 at 7:01 pm

    I never qualified for “mean” girl but ran into them growing up. In first grade I was the only girl wearing a scarf (1940`s rendition of the hijab, my grandmother who dressed me was an immigrant from eastern Europe) – so number one was out. For numbers two, three and four – I was too shy. As for five, I never forgot – and started carrying a hatpin to school. This is true!

    • September 1, 2016 at 11:01 pm

      Really? Wow you were one badass first grader! I love it!

  • April 24, 2020 at 4:13 pm

    u should put more steps and more easier steps in here

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