Wonder Woman In All Her Divine Kinkiness

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Wonder Woman was really into kinkiness. At least, all the men she came into contact with were into doing kinky things with her, like chaining her up, tying her up, manacling her, cuffing her, duct taping her, binding her up with anything they could get their hands on, and then putting her in their vans, and taking her to a creepy farmhouse in the country.

(Some people believe food shortages are caused by economic factors, like turning farmland into suburban developments, but they are really caused by people being kept in farmhouses. No work is getting done.)

Wonder Woman is actually the reason men wear pants that droop around their ankles. If her captors had nothing else, they would take off their belts and tie her up. She would laugh at them when they tripped on their pants, thus taking away their power. This enabled her to break her bonds and tie them up with their own pants.

Wonder Woman always managed to get free, because she was really limber, and really strong, and really smart. Once she was free, she’d tell the man who captured her to ‘Call me sometime, Duct-Tape Boy’, and off she’d go to save the world. Saving the world is much easier when you have great jewelry to wear. Wonder Woman had cuff bracelets, and a gold lariat which she turned into a long necklace on dates with Duct-Tape Boy.

Wonder Woman was raised on a secluded tropical island near ancient Greece, with other women known as Amazons, who had never been in contact with men. For many years it remained a mystery how she was conceived; there were no cabbage patches on this island, or even storks. She did have god-like superhero powers, leading some to believe she may have been ordered from a giant website, MtOlympus.com, which was later renamed Amazon.com in her honor.

The island was named Paradise Island, because there was no one to leave underpants on the floor, or miss the bowl when they peed. The women living there were strong and fearless, and loved to shop on the Internet, once they realized the scope of things that could be ordered. Paradise Island was soon filled with all kinds of gadgets when UPS men delivered their packages, and sometimes even the boxes. The trucks didn’t float, so they sank just before reaching land. The Amazon women had contests of skill and daring as they swam around gathering floating packages.

This young Amazon of Paradise Island was not christened Wonder when she was born, because her parents did not live in the years 2000-2014, when children are named Bus Stop Number 9, and D’Oneandonly. Her parents were a little more sensible, and named her Woman so her substitute teachers would know how to pronounce her name when they called roll.

Actually, she was named Diana, and she was the daughter of Queen Hippolyta, and Zeus, the philandering husband of Hera. He was always fooling around with someone, and we are all related to him by just a few degrees of separation. Wonder Woman almost wasn’t conceived, because her mom, Queen Hippolyta, refused to take off her magic girdle when Zeus showed up at her house. She wasn’t nicknamed ‘Hippo’ for nothing.

The queen later became an incredibly wealthy entrepreneur when she started an underwear company for women, which she named Spanks, a multi-million drachma start-up. She was inspired while watching ‘the girls’ at play one day.

Amazons loved their new underwear, because while togas could hide a multitude of sins, superhero outfits did not.

Though Wonder Woman liked women alright, she was stronger than most of her ‘sisters’ on the island. She also liked submission and domination, at least for short periods in each comic book. She wanted to try out men, especially after meeting a pilot who crashed near the island, and who lied to her about being married. His name was Steve Trevor, and he must have had temporary amnesia from being bonked on the head, because Wonder Woman would say his name in bold type in every panel.

Wonder Woman’s magic lariat was often used against her, which is convenient if you’re into domination games. Evil henchmen and pilots were forced to tell the truth when Wonder Woman ensnared them in the coils of her magical golden lasso. The pilot’s union tried to have it listed as a contraband item on flights, because it really put a crimp in their layover plans, but the flight attendant’s union won out over their objections. Normally, pilots love having a rope handy on layovers. They were also jealous of her invisible jet. It never had maintenance problems, and beat out every other airline for on time departures and arrivals.

She left the island, and went to America where people really appreciate a good outfit, and a great rack. America in the 1940s was where she could find men who were also into domination and submission. These men were known at the time as ‘Nazis’, and Wonder Woman made short work of them.

She did try to break her unhealthy patterns, and while struggling with her demons, she invented the ‘safe’ word. When an evil henchman tied her too tight, she’d yell out her safe word, ‘Knock it off, douche bag!’ (This is actually five words, but who’s counting?)The evil henchman would loosen the bonds, because he knew Wonder Woman could take away his belt, and make him trip over his pants.

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There were two women who were the inspiration for Wonder Woman. They lived together with Dr. William Marston, her creator. One of the women was his wife, and he brought the other one home from work, and made up a scientific-sounding name for their arrangement, ‘polyamorous’. This really meant he was is in love with a woman named Polly. The other two women were jealous of Polly, and they took out their frustration by showing Wonder Woman being tied up by women, too.

The first incident of identity theft in America occurred when Wonder Woman met a young nurse named Diana Prince. Ms.Prince was distressed because her fiance was being transferred to a foreign country, or so he said. Wonder Woman took advantage of the situation, and became a nurse in this young woman’s stead. She didn’t even have to remember a new first name.

Wonder Woman, in her new guise as a nurse, and without even knowing how to work a blood pressure cuff, caused the death of many patients by giving them chocolate instead of their medications. This is standard procedure at St. Hershey’s, but that is the only hospital which recognizes Chocolate Infusion as an alternative wellness therapy. It is not covered by most insurance companies.

Eventually, Wonder Woman joined the Justice League after she got tired of nursing, and wearing scrubs that didn’t show off her great body. Plus, she was constantly being accused of killing patients, or giving them diabetes. The Justice League showed their appreciation by making her a secretary, and sending her out for coffee thirty times a day. Superheroes drink way too much coffee, but try telling them that. They get really ticked.

She had no training as a secretary either, so mostly the guys just chased her around their desks, but she was pretty fast. Flash was the only one who was faster than she was, but being a typical guy, and very speedy, she could never be sure anything happened when he did catch her.

During most meetings of the Justice League, the superheroes talked about mundane things, such as how the cost of having their outfits dry cleaned kept going up. Once though, they all decided to fly to Europe to help the Allies during World War II. The members of the Justice League didn’t have to take planes, which made Wonder Woman’s job as travel coordinator very easy.

However, no one could read her notes, and didn’t know when or where they had agreed to meet. Some of them stayed home, and some went to entirely different countries where there wasn’t even a war going on. This illustrates the importance of good note-taking. We still won the war, but it was touch and go there, for awhile.

Since secretarial work was the best she could hope for in this era, whatever it was, despite her qualifications of super strength, wisdom, and bondage capabilities, Wonder Woman eventually went home to Paradise Island, and became a motivational speaker. Her fellow Amazons loved her lectures, because after her talks they would tie each other up, and call themselves Polly. It was a hoot.

She is still on Paradise Island, and if you would like to hear her motivational speeches, they are available on a set of boxed CDs, reasonably priced at $235.00, for a limited time only. She will pay shipping costs if you call today, but don’t expect them to arrive via UPS.    

 

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I See What’s Going On Here With The Eye Doctors

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My new glasses prescription is EXACTLY the same as the one from 2008. In medical terms, this means that I have dropped from Level Blind As A Bat to Level Mr. Magoo, and can safely pet small shrubs at night, thinking they are kitties. Which actually happened to me once. Granted, a Margarita was involved, but I did pet the little shrub, and say, ‘Nice Kitty’. Proving that even though I may have been a little tipsy, and more than a little blind, I am still a good person.

What is the cause of this turning back of time to better eyesight? Or, at least eyesight from a few years ago? Could it be the disgusting chunks of kale and spinach in my green smoothies? The astragalus I take to lengthen my Telemeres ’cause Dr. Oz Sez So? Perhaps the cause is my incomparable joie de vivre and youthful spirits, or the fact that I read Dave Barry who embraces immaturity the way an addict embraces heroin. All of these questions leave us with a few answers, such as the fact that Telemeres is a great name for a rock band, unless The Ventures have already recorded a song by that title.

Maybe my eye doctor is a doofus who will cause me to get into a terrible car accident because I can’t see the stop signs. Note to tourists: Be advised of Magoo warnings on the roads of Vegas.

My eye doctor, whom I went to see about a month ago, because it had been three years since I’d been to one, was not, repeat not, an Urban Myth. I have been half-convinced for several years that doctors have all been phased out, and sent to some vault in New Mexico (maybe Medicine Bend?) There, they are being kept and fed by the government and our tax dollars in the event that we are invaded by aliens or destroyed by some other means, and Congress needs doctors for themselves.

Go to any practice (I wish they’d stop ‘practicing’ and just get good, already) and you may never see a doctor. You will see lots and lots of young women, who were born sometime after your midlife crisis, and who have the power to totally ignore everything you’ve told them. This is because they are wondering which bar they will go to that night. These young women have full message extensions at work, spewing desperate words of plea, ‘Please call me. My insurance company hasn’t received my information yet.’ These young women never return calls. They are not being paid to do that. Just ask them.

Eventually, you may get to spend some time with a man or woman who have certificates and diplomas on their office walls. My eye doctor told me (after I posed the question) in no uncertain terms that I would need eye surgery sometime in the future. He also said my eyes were ten years younger than me. This was odd; I know I’m older than my teeth and hair, but my eyes? (Actually, he said my eyes were that of a person ten years younger, and I asked him to introduce me to this person so that I’d know what I was looking at when I’m not around.)

After I decided to be gratified for this quasi-good news, he gave me my prescription and I went on my way. He didn’t give the eye test. One of those young women did. I think I saw a total of three or four young women before and after I saw the doc for my Federally-mandated Five Minutes With a Doctor.

I tried to memorize the eye chart so I could get 20/15 vision, but thought of it too late. I did shout out the final answers though, while I was wearing the high-powered eye doc thingy that looks like something an arch-enemy of Spiderman might wear.

If I hadn’t asked (remember kids, Never Ask, Never Tell) if I was right about the final letter on the chart, written for a person who was obviously subjected to radiation in the womb and now has superpowers, the Young Woman Who Administers Eye Tests may have given me the 20/15 rating.

I also figured out who got the concession for the street signs, which when not hidden by overhanging trees, or behind walls, and are actually visible to an oncoming motorist, were obviously written for that radioactive superhero. It was eye doctors all along, showing real entrepreneurial spirit.  Plumbers showed this spirit too, when they helped design pipes small enough to capture three strands of hair.This is what makes America great. Making sure that consumers need you, that’s what. Its the Circle of Life.

The moral of this story is, just use your old prescription from six years ago, and save yourself some time. Caveat: You have to drink chunks of kale first, though.

Please Write Some Letters To Your Biographer Before You Go To The Big Archive In The Sky

I am begging you to write at least one letter before you leave this earthly plane. You may never have written a letter in your life, or at least not since your second grade teacher decided, as a Learning Experience, you should write to your parents, or Santa Claus, or something equally dweeby. With the disappearance of personal letters, a biographer will not be able to write a book about you.

I have been reading biographies, and in each famous person’s case, letters enlighten the biographer, and are carefully preserved in a library somewhere in the midwest as insights into the subject’s life. These letters are saved for scholars and the idle curious who appear to have nothing better to do than read a stranger’s letters, when all they have to do is wait for the book to come out.

The biographer will tell us in the foreword about the hard work that went into the book; that he or she flew to Indiana, or tromped across North America searching basements or attics for boxes of letters from the Civil War. Often, the biographer is writing from jail, because they did not have permission to go tromping through people’s basements and attics. The boxes of letters they found are, get this, perfectly preserved.

Before you bring on an asthma attack looking through your attic, you should know your boxes probably do not contain interesting old letters, and are most likely full of rodent droppings and mildewed potholders. But, assuming you actually have a box of wonderfully preserved letters that have survived numerous moves, and rainstorms that flooded the basement, will a biographer be able to decipher the faded, flourished handwriting depicting homey events from the Civil War?

Old letters from a bygone, gentler era, which are beautifully emoted and carefully composed, with faded writing from people long dead, about battles or day-to-day military life, are gold mines of information. The loved ones at home wanted to know how their dear son was doing in camp. These letters serve to show us that we can still relate to people in other eras:

‘Dearest Loved Ones,’ a letter from a soldier may start, “OMG. Life in camp can be quite entertaining. Today, Cook has told us that weevils were found in the flour, but that they have become delightful crunchy additions to the hardtack. LOL! All of us were ROTFL. General Lee was quite astonished at the sight.” Biographers often spend months trying to decipher what the soldier meant by the strange Civil War initials.

Lucy Maud Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables, wrote dozens of letters to two friends over the years, one of them 74 pages long, also full of scrapbook items. After delivering Lucy’s letters, Wells Fargo had to retire their ponies, and institute limits on the number of scrapbook items people could send in regular mail. For instance, you could no longer mail your child to its grandparents, at least not without extra postage.

Lucy preserved her letters in boxes pending the day the biographer arrived. She knew that one day someone would want to see her letters. How did her recipients know that these letters would be important later on? Were they just pack rats, and hoped one day to be featured on the show Hoarders? Did Lucy tell them they had better save her letters as she planned to be important someday? And, when she did, did they write her a 74 page letter back telling her what they thought of that?

Letters from Louisa May Alcott’s mother written in the 1800s to other people were considered interesting enough to make a book titled ‘My Heart Is Boundless’, which was probably something she’d written in a letter. When was the last time you wrote a line like that? Was it in an email, explaining why you need an appointment asap with your cardiologist?

Maybe you wrote something similar in the note you left for the UPS driver, telling him where to leave a package. ‘The places you can leave the package are boundless’, you might tell him. ‘Please choose one in this zip code, perhaps even at this address.’ Save this note for posterity, after first removing the UPS driver’s chewed wad of gum, and put it in a box in your attic. Your biographer will appreciate your thoughtfulness in not making him remove the gum. letterBiographers also tell us that the famous person was compiling their papers to be donated to a library well before they died. They did not start when they were on their deathbeds; no, they began well in advance of the papers being needed. For instance, Julia Child’s husband donated all his papers to an archive in a university library, and yet who thinks of him when they think of Julia Child?

Let that be a lesson to you: You too could be insignificant and un-famous, just as you are right now, and someday someone may want your letters. (Not infamous; that word is reserved for people who do something so naughty, they wouldn’t commit it to paper.) Someone may want your letters just to point out what a horrendous speller you were, but still. They may even want one of your relative’s letters, like Louisa’s mother. I’d advise you to make sure they are not writing negative things about you. Just because you stole your cousin’s doll when you were six, that is no reason to be reviled in history books.

I am constantly battling piles of papers, and frequently dump any number of them into wastebaskets, and feel smug and virtuous when I am done. My recent letters are usually to the CEO at some business whose representative has been really dense or snotty, and I am threatening to take him to court in Las Vegas. These letters revealed my passionate and fair-minded nature, besides also revealing my knowledge of naughty words, but my biographer will never see them, because I threw them away.

None of those papers that I threw away were letters from an articulate and intelligent friend who is on the road to being legendary. Not that I don’t have any of those, it’s just that they don’t write letters. I can scarcely get them to answer emails. letter2Letters have been the subject of our thoughts and songs for many decades. I could compile quite a list of songs with the word ‘letter’ in the title and every one contains references to someone holding a letter, crying over a letter, dreaming over a letter, kissing the signature, saving bundles of letters tied up in ribbons, or tucked under their pillow, perhaps teardrops blurring the the inky words. girl writing letterDo you have bundles of old computers tied up with ribbons and stored in a box in your attic to dream over, so that later, all your emails can be included in a book about your life? And do just a few of these computers in boxes take up space the size of the British Museum?

It is difficult to be romantic and reveal your deepest thoughts and emotions to a person in an email, knowing your heartthrob will share it on social media when the two of you break up. And if someone wants to include them in your biography, they will have to boot up all those computers in dusty attics, presuming you haven’t deleted all your emails. In which case, why are you saving all those faded computers?

There is no need to save all your electronic messages. You’ve probably shared every intimate detail of your life on your ‘wall’. The computer generation doesn’t care about privacy. Privacy has taken its rightful place beside the touch tone telephone and the cassette tape deck as Things That Are Vintage. There will be nothing left to discover about you, much less about a celebrity. We are already subjected 24/7 to their marital disputes, preliminary hearings, and sonograms.

employment-letterI used to write a letter to my guy every day, as I sat down at my desk before starting work. They weren’t handwritten, which isn’t required for famous person letters, or even for ordinary person letters, but were printed out from the computer. Those letters have disappeared, and my biographer will be the poorer without them.

I wrote and received dozens of letters when I was a girl, up until I was in my early twenties. I have saved some of them, but I threw many away. I would rack my brain trying to find different ways to write letters to my friends when I was in middle and high school. Once I even used toilet paper. It was unused, and was easily flushed so that sensitive information could not be shared.

Diary of 1864--page 2

I am not sure whether I could find my friends now after all these years, so how is a biographer going to find them and tromp through their attics? Whether they have dusty attics or not is an entirely different matter. In Julia’s case, she apparently kept everything. Her biographer found some diaries she’d written as a young woman stored away in the basement. You must begin now to write letters, so that there will be a reason your biographer was arrested for trespassing and is in jail.

 

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Dinosaurs Extinct Because They Used Winchester Rifle, Say Nevada Archaeologists

An archaeologist discovered an old Winchester rifle in the Great Basin National Park in Nevada. The Great Basin is in a Great Kitchen in the desert. This kitchen is believed to have been built by alien chefs, who became tired of incompetent sous-chefs messing up their recipes on their planets, and came to earth to cook alone, in peace. There they concocted progressive dishes in their little Quonset huts such as: Hot and Spicy Gila Monster Stew; Lizard Lick; Grubs Galore; and other desert delicacies.

This old Winchester rifle set the archaeologists abuzz. They studied and studied this thing, in between buffet visits, and playing table games in a nearby casino, and they formulated a new theory about the disappearance of the dinosaurs from our planet. Few people realize this, but scientific theories are decided by which scientist wins a bet. For instance, last year two scientists placed a bet on the Super Bowl. The winner’s theory was written up in all the big scientific journals. The latest theory of the winning scientist was that pizza contains at least two food groups.

The new hypothesis about how dinosaurs became extinct is contrary to popularly held beliefs. Some scientists have said that a meteorite or asteroid landed on earth causing an Ice Age, or perhaps even a New Age, which included Dinosaur Yoga. Archaeologists who back the New Age extinction theory posit that dinosaurs experienced Great Harmony and refused to eat each other, and thus, died of starvation. There is also a theory that dinosaurs disappeared because of religious wars that broke out between carnivores and omnivores.

After the discovery of the Winchester rifle, archaeologists now conjecture that dinosaurs and the alien chefs in the Great Basin Park engaged in shoot-outs. Shoot-outs were mainly the fault of the chefs. They were extremely volatile and temperamental and couldn’t stand having dinosaurs constantly tasting the dishes, and then washing their claws in the Great Basin. Quonset hut kitchens are extremely hot, and this made the chefs even more irritable. Even the T-Rex feared the Great Basin Chef, who would throw Great Pots and Knives around. Proof of cataclysmic shoot-outs with the Winchester rifle is right there in an article published in the Review Journal. The rifle was not loaded. Clearly, they used up all their ammo.

web1_RIFLE-MYSTERY-JAN15-15_001.jpg

The rifle was a model made in 1873, and was the inspiration for the movie, Winchester ’73, wherein Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne play rival chefs, who shoot it out in a kitchen in 1950. Jimmy Stewart survived the shoot-out, only to succumb to fatal wounds later, when a T-Rex demanded he make a Raptor Chili, and leave out the beans. When a T-Rex ate beans and experienced flatulence, it created a cloud cover that interfered with all kinds of Jurassic ecology. Mainly, the other dinosaurs complained about the smell that lingered for days, putting them off their feed.

Jimmy Stewart refused to compromise his vision for Great Basin Chili, and the T-Rex got the drop on him. It probably happened right on the spot where the rifle was found. T-Rexes were notorious for not putting things away, and always left their rooms a mess. After the shoot-out with Jimmy, T-Rex went to a Great Yoga class and succumbed to his injuries when he fell on his head trying to do the downward dog. His arms were too short to accomplish this move. Had it not been for the stress engendered from the shoot-out with an awesome movie star, T-Rex would still be alive today.

I hope that we can all learn a Great Lesson from this saga of intemperance and intolerance. Stay out of the Great Kitchen if you can’t take the Great Heat, and too many T-Rexes spoil the Ornithomimus Broth.

Ornithomimus - Dinosuar Park

On a more positive note, dinosaurs did learn to make a mean mesquite barbecue before they left in their spaceships. (Oops! Didn’t mean to give away the latest theory!)

http://www.reviewjournal.com/news/nevada/historic-rifle-found-leaning-against-tree-nevada-park

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