Wonder Woman was really into kinkiness. At least, all the men she came into contact with were into doing kinky things with her, like chaining her up, tying her up, manacling her, cuffing her, duct taping her, binding her up with anything they could get their hands on, and then putting her in their vans, and taking her to a creepy farmhouse in the country.
(Some people believe food shortages are caused by economic factors, like turning farmland into suburban developments, but they are really caused by people being kept in farmhouses. No work is getting done.)
Wonder Woman is the reason men wear pants that droop around their ankles. If her captors had nothing else, they would take off their belts and tie her up. She would laugh at them when they tripped on their pants, thus taking away their power. This enabled her to break her bonds and tie them up with their own pants.
Wonder Woman always managed to get free, because she was really limber, and really strong, and really smart. Once she was free, she’d tell the man who captured her to ‘Call me sometime, Duct-Tape Boy’, and off she’d go to save the world. Saving the world easy when you have great jewelry to wear. Wonder Woman had cuff bracelets, and a gold lariat which she wore as a long necklace on dates with Duct-Tape Boy.
Wonder Woman was raised on a secluded tropical island near ancient Greece, with other women known as Amazons, who had never been in contact with men. For many years it remained a mystery how she was conceived; there were no cabbage patches on this island, or even storks. She did have god-like superhero powers, leading some to believe she may have been ordered from a giant website, MtOlympus.com, which was later renamed Amazon.com in her honor.
The island was named Paradise Island, because there was no one to leave underpants on the floor, or miss the bowl when they peed. The women living there were strong and fearless, and loved to shop on the Internet, once they realized the scope of things that could be ordered. Paradise Island was soon filled with all kinds of gadgets when UPS men delivered their packages, and sometimes even the boxes. The trucks didn’t float, so they sank just before reaching land. The Amazon women had contests of skill and daring as they swam around gathering floating packages.
This young Amazon of Paradise Island was not christened Wonder when she was born, because her parents did not live in the years 2000-2014, when children are named Bus Stop Number 9, and D’Oneandonly. Her parents were a little more sensible, and named her Woman so her substitute teachers would know how to pronounce her name when they called roll.
Actually, she was named Diana, and she was the daughter of Queen Hippolyta, and Zeus, the philandering husband of Hera. He was always fooling around with someone, and we are all related to him by just a few degrees of separation. Wonder Woman almost wasn’t conceived, because her mom, Queen Hippolyta, refused to take off her magic girdle when Zeus showed up at her house. She wasn’t nicknamed ‘Hippo’ for nothing.
The queen later became an incredibly wealthy entrepreneur when she started an underwear company for women, which she named Spanks, a multi-million drachma start-up. She was inspired while watching ‘the girls’ at play one day.
Amazons loved their new underwear, because while togas could hide a multitude of sins, superhero outfits did not.
Though Wonder Woman liked women alright, she was stronger than most of her ‘sisters’ on the island. She also liked submission and domination, at least for short periods in each comic book. She wanted to try out men, especially after meeting a pilot who crashed near the island, and who lied to her about being married. His name was Steve Trevor, and he must have had temporary amnesia from being bonked on the head, because Wonder Woman would say his name in bold type in every panel.
Wonder Woman’s magic lariat was often used against her, which is convenient if you’re into domination games. Evil henchmen and pilots were forced to tell the truth when Wonder Woman ensnared them in the coils of her magical golden lasso.
The pilots union tried to have it listed as a contraband item on flights, because it put a crimp in their layover plans, but the flight attendants union won out over their objections. Normally, pilots love having a rope handy on layovers. They were also jealous of her invisible jet. It never had maintenance problems, and beat out every other airline for on time departures and arrivals.
She left the island, and went to America where people appreciate a good outfit, and a great rack. America in the 1940s was where she could find men who were also into domination and submission. These men were known at the time as ‘Nazis’, and Wonder Woman made short work of them.
She tried to break her unhealthy patterns, and while struggling with her demons, she invented the ‘safe’ word. When an evil henchman tied her too tight, she’d yell out her safe word, ‘Knock it off, douche bag!’ (This is actually five words, but who’s counting?)The evil henchman would loosen the bonds, because he knew Wonder Woman could take away his belt, and make him trip over his pants.
Besides the queen and Zeus fooling around and conceiving their little wonder, there were two women who were the inspiration for Wonder Woman. They lived together with Dr. William Marston, her comic book creator.
One of the women was his wife, and he brought the other one home from work, and made up a scientific-sounding name for their arrangement, ‘polyamorous’. This really meant he was is in love with a woman named Polly. The two women were jealous of Polly, and they took out their frustration by showing Wonder Woman being tied up by women, too.
The first incident of identity theft in America occurred when Wonder Woman met a young nurse named Diana Prince. Ms.Prince was distressed because her fiance was being transferred to a foreign country, or so he said. Wonder Woman took advantage of the situation, and became a nurse in this young woman’s stead. She didn’t even have to remember a new first name. This left the real Diana Prince free to check her fiance’s emails, and follow him to wherever he said he was going, which was probably to the nearest sports bar or strip club.
Wonder Woman, in her new guise as a nurse, and without even knowing how to work a blood pressure cuff, caused the death of many patients by giving them chocolate instead of their medications. This is standard procedure at St. Hershey’s, but that is the only hospital which recognizes Chocolate Infusion as an alternative wellness therapy. It is not covered by most insurance plans.
Eventually, Wonder Woman joined the Justice League after she got tired of nursing, and wearing scrubs that didn’t show off her great body. Plus, she was constantly being accused of killing patients, or giving them diabetes. The Justice League showed their appreciation by making her a secretary, and sending her out for coffee thirty times a day. Superheroes drink way too much coffee, but try telling them that. They get really ticked.
She had no training as a secretary either, so mostly the guys just chased her around their desks, but she was pretty fast. Flash was the only one who was faster than she was, but being a typical guy, and very speedy, she could never be sure anything happened when he did catch her. He would just smirk at her, with a superhuman smirk.
During most meetings of the Justice League, the superheroes talked about mundane things, such as how the cost of having their outfits dry cleaned kept going up. Once though, they all decided to fly to Europe to help the Allies during World War II. The members of the Justice League didn’t have to take planes, which made Wonder Woman’s job as travel coordinator very easy.
However, no one could read her notes, and didn’t know when or where they had agreed to meet. Some of them stayed home, and some went to entirely different countries where there wasn’t even a war going on. This illustrates the importance of good note-taking. We still won the war, but it was touch and go there, for awhile.
Since secretarial work was the best she could hope for in this era, whatever it was, despite her qualifications of super strength, wisdom, and bondage capabilities, Wonder Woman eventually went home to Paradise Island, and became a motivational speaker. Her fellow Amazons loved her lectures, because after her talks they would tie each other up, and call themselves Polly. It was a hoot.
She is still on Paradise Island, and if you would like to hear her motivational speeches, they are available on a set of boxed CDs, reasonably priced at $235.00, for a limited time only.
She will pay shipping costs if you call today, but don’t expect them to arrive via UPS.
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