You Might Be Retired If….

    Retirees love yoga pants, too-

    I read a post on People I Want To Punch in the Throat about how ‘You might be a Suburban Mom if…’ I hope Our Enemies (you know who you are) never read her article. If what she says in her post is true, we’re doomed as a society.

    Our Enemies (did you figure out who you were, yet?) will find out we’re a bunch of lazy, wine guzzling, shopaholic, gym rats, who only wear yoga pants.

    [Read more…]

    Advanced Medical Directive And Why You Should Practice Your Ballet

    Advanced medical directive means not making your doctor a beneficiary

    I went to the hospital the other day for pre-registration and pre-op tests for an upcoming surgery.

    Pre-registration includes giving the hospital an advanced medical directive, which is hospital-speak for what they should do with your inert, yet breathing body, after they’ve messed up your surgery, and you never get to be waited on in bed.

    Do you want them to keep you alive and continue to bill the insurance company, or should they just pull the plug? Hospitals are sometimes short on bed space, and need to know these things.

    Nurses also sucked out a bunch of my blood for the pre-op tests, ostensibly to make sure I’ll clot nicely when they cut me open, and to ascertain whether I have any  communicable diseases they might catch.

    They hate when that happens.

    [Read more…]

    7 Hot Button Issues Of Political Correctness That Can Be Injurious To Your Standing As A Bigoted Dweeb

    Recently, a friend asked me, as a topic-introducer, though Lord knows we don’t need one, since we never shut up when we get together, what topical issue I am soft on. Frankly, I’m soft on all of them, especially fitness, because getting hard is really hard. Especially at my age.

    This whole question is a set-up, and will lead you into the sand trap of political correctness. You should not answer this question, except on your own blog, which you can be pretty sure none of your friends are reading. The friend who asks it will have diametrically opposed opinions to yours, and since yours will likely be opposite to popular consensus, you will look like a bigoted jerk.

    Since I am a bigoted jerk (although I do manage to hide this fact from most people) I don’t really care what other people think, but not everyone can be as brave as I.

    hot button

    [Read more…]

    8 Essential Apps I Need, If Only I Had A Smart Phone

    As usual, I have nothing that’s cutting edge, not even a smart phone. Therefore, I don’t have any essential apps, an abbreviation I assume stands for applications, as in ‘How can I apply this to my life?’

    There is a restaurant advertising ‘endless apps’. I’m certain this stands for appetizer,  and is much more fascinating, as far as I’m concerned.

    appsBut, since I don’t have a Smartphone, or even one that is mildly intelligent, my life isn’t as full and satisfying as it could be. My phone just lies on a surface somewhere, mocking me, like that shockingly immature cheese that mocks the guy in a lab coat, who ruefully decides the big cheese isn’t ‘ready.’

    There are 8 essential apps that I would like to have; apps that would make my life easier, smoother, and happier, in short, a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

    [Read more…]

    Denying Everything, Chronic Nudity, Facebook Blundering, And Massage Envy

    I don’t go on Facebook every day, but I checked in the other day to give people who could give a flying rat’s butt whether I live or die, reassurance that I am still alive and well.

    I don’t say that with bitterness. Most of the people in my network used to work for Pan Am, which employed thirty thousand people, six thousand of whom were flight attendants.

    So, while I know a lot of my ‘friends’, and was happy to reconnect, there are many people that I wouldn’t be able to name at an Anti-American Activities Hearing under threats from McCarthy that he’d ‘disappear’ my family if I didn’t ‘name names.’

    At least, until Facebook arrived. Now, he can just go on there himself if he wants to know who we know.

    [Read more…]

    7 Reasons I Miss The Telephone Book, Only One Of Which Is Potentially Embarrassing

    I opened my front door today and saw a telephone book laying in front of my door. It was inside a plastic sleeve, so I know it wasn’t dropped there accidentally, by some random passerby who just happened to be carrying a telephone book in a plastic bag and got tired.

    5 Reasons I miss the telephone book

    Telephone books seem to have gone the way of the landline telephone, the answering machine, and snail mail that includes a Thank You note for the gift I sent a relative a year ago.

    (The typing monitor asked if I meant ‘landmine.’ I hope not, typing monitor. I hope not.)

    [Read more…]

    10 Warning Signs Of A Psychopath And A Serial Killer: Could This Be You???

    What are ten warning signs of a psychopath? Why would you assume I know? If you’ve ever wondered whether you, or someone else, is a psychopath or a serial killer, I will set your mind at ease.

    Well, maybe not at ease, but if you aren’t dead, I can assure you that you aren’t the victim of a serial killer, although you may be one.

    We’ve read the stories about the woman married all unknowing for twenty years to a guy she thought was just tinkering in the garage or hanging out with buddies, but was really dispatching the equivalent population of a small town, and it’s a big surprise when the Feds bust in during breakfast looking for him.

    Who is she kidding? He didn’t have buddies; he was a ‘loner,’ mainly because he kept killing people who might have become his buddies.

    Oh, he was tinkering, alright.

    Identify a Psychopath Step 10.jpg

    [Read more…]

    6 Reasons Driving A Badass Pickup Truck Can Be Life Threatening

    6 Reasons Driving a Badass Pickup Truck Can Be Life ThreateningI was driving home from the pool the other day, feeling all serene and endorphin-fulfilled. I avoid main streets with traffic lights whenever I can, so I took a street that requires looking from left to right and back again before hauling bumper to the other side.

    A compact coming from the left had its signal on, had slowed down, and had moved into the left turn mode. I looked to the right one more time, and began to pull out. The driver of the compact had changed his mind, and was now right in front of my grill.

    [Read more…]

    In the Event of a Terrorist Attack, Please Pull Out Your Medical Files

    Our National Security is at risk. This was brought to my attention as I sat in a doctor’s office filling out medical paperwork. I waited two hours to see the doctor, so it was good that I had all the paperwork to occupy my time.

    Nine out of ten doctors recommend a heavy dose of paperwork to distract patients from most aches and pains not associated with carpal tunnel syndrome.

    [Read more…]

    Sex, Love, Limerence, and Good Old-Fashioned Obsession: These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

    Sex and love are time consuming. If you are busy doing either, or both, of them, you hardly have time to grocery shop, much less go to work, or clean the house.

    When you first fall in love with someone, all you can think about is that person. When you look at them, they shimmer in that foggy way they use on television to denote someone shimmering in a foggy way. limerence

    [Read more…]

    Why Dinosaurs Became Extinct: Because They Used Winchester Rifle Say Archaeologists

    From the beginning of time, people have wondered why dinosaurs became extinct. They wondered this even when dinosaurs were walking the earth and standing right in front of them. Early people were quite obviously blind as bats.

    They wondered about this phenomenon before the word ‘extinct’ was even invented, which is why they didn’t know that standing in front of some dinosaurs and gawking at them in wonder was a valid reason for humans to follow the dinosaurs’ giant footsteps into oblivion.

    This scientific curiosity and nearsightedness of our ancestors stemmed from ancient optometrists not having developed eye exams during the reign of the dinosaur. In the optometrists’ defense, since the alphabet hadn’t been written yet, those big and small letters in the exam would have been difficult to invent.

    Instead, early optometrists used stick drawings of wooly mammoths and guys holding spears when they should have used drawings of T-Rexes.

    early optometrist eye exam

    [Read more…]

    Nothing I Learned In Kindergarten Has Done Me A Bit Of Good

    I remember my mother abandoning me to the tender mercies of the kindergarten teacher when I was six years old. She promised she’d stay and watch through that little window in the door, and she did for a little while.

    Then, she disappeared and I had to learn my ABCs. This was before Sesame Street so the banner marching across the top of the blackboard was my first official glimpse of the letters.

    Supposedly, everything we need to know we learned in that classroom, but my parents have to share some of the blame.

    Nothing I learned in kindergarten has done me a bit of good.

    kindergarten568 [Read more…]

    Wonder Woman In All Her Divine Kinkiness

    Wonder Woman was really into kinkiness. At least, all the men she came into contact with were into doing kinky things with her, like chaining her up, tying her up, manacling her, cuffing her, duct taping her, binding her up with anything they could get their hands on, and then putting her in their vans, and taking her to a creepy farmhouse in the country.

    Some people believe food shortages are caused by economic factors, like turning farmland into suburban developments, but they are really caused by people being kept in farmhouses. No work is getting done.

    [Read more…]

    To Speak With St Peter, Please Remain On The Line. You Are Caller Number 3,467,895


    half full journal

    The journals detailing my life from fifteen years ago are only half full. I’ll read them occasionally, and it’s amazing how much my life hasn’t changed.

    I still hate traffic, I’m still in love with the same guy (I’m just not obsessing about him because I’ve got him) I’m still trying to lose weight (where is the journal that says I’ve lost all the weight I want and look absolutely perfect?).

    I still have the same habits, with the exception of a few, that I vow to give up, or there are aspects of my shabby character that I’m determined to improve.

    For instance, waking up in a better, more energized mood every day. (I think I’m gonna need a bigger journal.)

    [Read more…]

    Lifetime Movies Tell A Tale Of Whoa!

    I became fascinated one day by the lineup of Lifetime movies, when I was reading the TV guide. I should have been gainfully employed doing something else, but life, and Lifetime Movie titles, sometimes interfere.

    There was one titled,  I Killed My BFF. Right away, this struck me as odd. Normally, people don’t give away the plot of a movie right there in the title.

    First of all, I knew it was about two women, because no man I’ve ever met has said BFF in anyone’s hearing.

    Lifetime movies tell a tale of whoa!

    After reading the title, which took me approximately a nano second, I knew I could safely go grocery shopping because a) this murdering psycho is busy burying someone else and will leave me alone for the time being; and, b) I know what’s going to happen in this movie and don’t really need to watch it.

    Except I might want to learn minor details, like if she was really your BFF, why’d ya’ kill her? The concepts of ‘best friends’ and ‘murder’ appear to be mutually contradictory, but kids aren’t getting the parenting they need nowadays, and they don’t know from concepts.

    The title should be My BFF Got In the Way Of My Plans, So I Offed Her, And Now I Have No BFF.

    [Read more…]

    How The Rastafari And The Doobie Settled America And Helped The Puritans Get Mellow

    A friend let it slip in my hearing that she wished the Rastafari had settled America, instead of those swingin’ Puritans, so that America would be a more mellow nation today. I sympathized with the sentiment; the early settlers of Nevada, the Bugsyians, didn’t even allow the lottery, which led to very strict laws.

    This state would be much better off if it allowed people to have more fun, maybe even gamble a little.

    Las Vegas Strip

    The Bugsyians settled Nevada.

    The Puritans arrived in America a long time ago, sometime before the first Fourth of July weekend. The minute the first one set foot on that windswept spot on the rocky shores of New England, near a sign flashing ‘Chevy Rock Car Sales’, they were surrounded by Rastafari car salesmen trying to sell them a Plymouth and a doobie.

    That sign is an important American landmark; it guided our Puritans through fog and rain and the confusion caused by vintage GPS (Guiding Puritans at Sea) units.

    Today, Chevy Rock can be found by looking for the stoned Puritan air dancers, which, like the Puritans, have no distinguishing male or female characteristics, although they do sport the colors of the Rastafari.

    chevy rock car sales

    [Read more…]

    The CIA Has a Secret Museum That No One Knows About Except You and Me

    The CIA has a secret museum, which by definition of a museum, houses objects of historical, or some other kind, of significance. This museum is ‘secret’ in the sense that only a zillion people who work for the CIA, including their families, visitors to the agency and THEIR families, know about it, and now the Smithsonian magazine does too, which is where I found out about it, and immediately started plotting to get inside.

    Inside this museum are all kinds of cool things that you and I should get to see, but as we know, CIA stands for Can’t Inform Americans, and they are very selfish. It makes me so mad, I am going send my electronically enhanced cockroach into the building.

    [Read more…]

    8 Reasons Road Trips With Your Husband Are Not Such A Great Idea, Only One Of Which Includes Large Wet Noses

    Road trips with your favorite husband, who may, or may not be, the one you’re married to, seem like a great idea. Stopping to gaze at magnificent vistas; staying overnight in romantic B & Bs; hours of uninterrupted alone time in a car. (Assuming you have no children with whom you feel obligated to travel.)

    Sounds wonderful. Or, does it?

    I spent entire minutes of my spare time, which occur while I’m driving, thinking of 8 reasons road trips with your hubby are not such a great idea.

    Deep thinking made me miss a few of my favorite songs on the radio. He’s already interfering with my road trip.

    [Read more…]

    10 Things Women Don’t Do In Movies That Make Me Crazy And Every Toddler Knows How To Do

    Yesterday I binged on a Dirty Harry marathon, and couldn’t sleep from over stimulation of violence and raw justice. I yelled at the television occasionally, when I thought people were doing it ‘wrong’, and thought of 10 things women don’t do in movies that could save their bacon.

    Yelling at the the television is an obnoxious habit, and proves I’m getting old, or crazy, or need to get out of the house more. I don’t care. I will take you down, if you tell me I can’t yell at people in movies.

    [Read more…]

    Why Fat Cells Turn To Crime


    Lamp post in Paradise

    There are 101 ways to lose weight, but far more ways to gain it, and that is why the third oldest profession, after Interior Cave Decorator, is Diet Doctor. Diet Doctors love fat cells, which would never turn to crime if they had a viable profession to fall back on, like prostitution.

    This is generally supposed to be the oldest profession in the world and was invented right after Adam and Eve celebrated their tenth anniversary, and the city of Paradise erected the first lamp post.

    Without lamp posts, prostitutes would need to rent office space.

    [Read more…]

    Australia and Me: The Dingo Was My Baby

    There’s a reason I’m two degrees from being a gypsy. My parents were gypsies, so it must be genetic. I’d be able to prove this, if my genes didn’t keep packing up their crap and moving.

    In the 1960s, Australia was actively searching for people to move to their country and be productive citizens. There was a flood of immigration here in the 80s, but rarely do countries actively invite strangers to their shores.

    I’ve heard rumors that Canada is welcoming and polite to foreigners. I’m thinking of moving my family there, to determine if I can leave my doors unlocked, and be free from homicide by gunfire.

    [Read more…]

    And, The Oscar Goes To: Pete, The Viking, For Perfect Attendance In Battle

    Awards are pleasant things, and are handed out for rescuing children from a burning building, discovering a cure for a disease, or for having perfect attendance at work.
    I was subbing one day in a teacher’s class and saw a long line of awards on his cabinets. It was very impressive. I wanted to give him an award for having the most awards.

    These were all for perfect attendance.


    I have received degrees and certificates of achievement, but I can’t remember ever getting an award. When I was young, we had a Great Pyrenees named Beaucoup. He won a trophy for Longest Tail in a local dog show. I wanted him to win for Biggest Dog, but the politics in these things are rough. I saw Liver Snaps changing snouts right and left.

    [Read more…]

    Procrastination Anonymous May or May Not Be Meeting Tomorrow

    Procrastination was first developed in Italy five hundred years ago, over a long lunch, with many bottles of wine. All kinds of people were at that lunch; scientists who cured diseases, geniuses who invented amazing technology, aliens from Vulcan, you name it, they were there.

    We have never heard of them, nor are we able to benefit from their achievements, because they never achieved them. That lunch is still going on.

    After coming up with some sketchy ideas about the concept of procrastination, and drawing pictures on their cocktail napkins, this Italian coffee klatch drank some more wine, and managed to delay further development in procrastination until the next meeting.

    Which may or may not be tomorrow.

    The cocktail napkins were used to mop up wine spilled by Leonardo (no last names, please), and are lost to history.

    Created by Readiris, Copyright IRIS 2007 [Read more…]

    Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil and You’ll Never Get Invited To Parties

    To live a good life and make friends, you are adjured to ‘Hear no evil and speak no evil’. Other than that, forging friendships shouldn’t be hard. There are tons of people around; you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. Some of them are quite likeable. We all know, perhaps may even be, one of those paragons of virtue who are kind, compassionate, and helpful, and have a flashy personality to boot.

    Maybe we are even a flashy personality who likes to wear boots.

    batmanMost of us love these people. Not everyone does, because some people are just miserable, and hate all kind, compassionate, flashy, boot-wearing paragons. They especially hate the people who are the nemesis of a superhero. Nemeses (the plural of nemesis, I looked it up) hate those paragons, and a superhero is always a paragon of virtue, and wears boots, to boot.

    [Read more…]

    Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: A Sociological Dissemination

    I feel it is my duty to call attention to the ‘Most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’. Rudolph is the subject of a song I hear every Christmas season, and know by heart, since I learned it 5,000 years ago.

    Like most people, I don’t listen to Christmas songs until they begin playing just after Halloween, and then only because the radio transforms into a blithering, dithering idiot appliance, which spouts the same songs 250,398 and 1/2 times over a two month period.

    The 1/2 occurs because of the international dateline and the longitudinal bypass of the periodontal tabulator.

    At 12:01 a.m., which is technically the day after Christmas, if a Christmas song is playing, it will suddenly stop, and that is the last of the songs until November.

    After deep thought, lasting approximately thirty seconds, I have decided the song, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is not suitable as a lesson for children, or shows a proper attitude toward Christmas.

    Let’s take a quick look at the first line for starters, which includes the names of the ‘other’ reindeer.

    [Read more…]

    Dog Bless Our Home

    In an old episode of the ‘Odd Couple’, Felix says that ‘dog’ spelled backward is ‘God’. This makes perfect sense to me; God regularly blesses and punishes, and a dog feels much the same sense of responsibility for the evolution of your immortal soul.

    ‘Dog Bless Our Home’ is a perfect motto for any dog loving home.

    sugar babyBefore Sugar, our current in-house canine resident, we had Jupie, a big Shepherd mix with a heart made of rainbows and unicorns. After she died, we didn’t even want to think about getting another dog. An achy-breaky heart is no fun, but trying to heal it by replacing the beloved with a stranger, didn’t seem all that much fun, either.

    After a couple of years, I started perusing the shelters for a likely candidate for companionship that includes hiking, biking, and just lounging together on my bed, while I feed an always willing gullet Doritos or pieces of fruit, depending on my nutritional mood that day.

    Shelters have certainly changed; I couldn’t find a dog under $150, and in one case, they were $400!  I wasn’t sure some mutt would want to be that indebted to us. I also found mainly pit bulls and chihuahuas. I have nothing against these two breeds, except I was secretly looking for Jupie.

    And chihuahuas are part of the Pomeranian Offensive that regularly yaps at my ankles when I ride my bike.

    I gave up looking online at the shelters. I never went in person, because there just isn’t room here for 200 dogs, the approximate number I probably would have brought home, especially when my guy said I should look in the shelters that euthanize, instead of the no-kills, in order to really save a life.

    So, I started searching the ads to see if some little tramp had gotten herself knocked up after an ill-considered romp through her neighborhood.

    I found two ads: One never returned my call, and one was in Ash Fork, AZ, about three hours away. This man had six puppies waiting to be adopted. They were the third litter from the original two parents which he had never had fixed.

    These two would keep getting together, despite their owner’s precautions. She really digs her old man, and he digs his old lady. Their owner though, in spite of loving dogs, and in spite of having kept the previous two litters, just couldn’t keep these six and bring his total number of dogs to 18.

    There were two pups left in the back of his truck when we met up with him in the parking lot of a convenience store, so I flipped a mental coin and chose the one with the pretty markings.

    Sugar Baby is black with brindle markings, and has a small galaxy of white fur swirling around on her chest right in the middle of a really cool rugby stripe. I’ve always liked rugby shirts, and wanted to name her Rugby, but it didn’t sound very feminine, and the family kept insisting on the name Sugar Baby.

    That’s what we settled on after three hours of really great name spewing. We tried planets, minerals, anime characters, you name it.

    I think a puppy should only be named after you’ve had one for at least two weeks. That’s when personality starts to blossom, although in Sugar Baby’s case, she’d probably end up being named jihad, or something equally sinister.

    The eyes of a terrorist...

    The eyes of a terrorist…

    My main objection to her name, is that when I call it out, I’m smack dab in the middle of a Tennessee Williams play, doddering about on the porch of an old house, trying to get sober.

    ‘Sugah Baby! Sugah Baby!’ I yell, affecting a southern accent against my will. If you think people who affect accents do it deliberately, then you’ve never named a dog Sugar. She, like the spoiled, headstrong belle she is, ignores me. My voice grows  increasingly feeble, as I try to get her to ‘Miiind, for goodness sake!’

    Soon, the household staff (consisting of an equally old and doddery butler) will come out and bring me back into the house before the neighbors see me in my ‘wrapper’.

    The Wrappers would be an awesome name for an all-female singing group composed of only women who rap while wearing robes. Robe is the Yankee word for the garment that goes over PJs . marlon-brando-vivien-leigh-21607 (1) While keeping us fully occupied with her boundless energy, we have been beset by the peccadilloes of a definite personality. Anyone who thinks a dog is a dog is a dog, is under a serious misapprehension. Sugar chews rocks instead of the toys we get her, and is systematically emptying the backyard of them, leaving them in the house for me to step on.

    This has not improved hers or my vocabulary, and our neighbors have been treated to an assortment of profane remarks as my foot meets rock. She has managed to disembowel her stuffed toy, Mr. Flea, while continuing to harass and bandy about his cold, dead body.

    She has also dug multiple holes in the backyard, making it look like God’s Little Acre, and has even dug through the paving stones. She is no doubt looking for the birthplace of Mr. Squeak, her favorite victim, who was made in China, like everything else.

    mr squeakMr. Squeak, an annoying, happy-faced little gremlin, is the first thing she grabs in the morning, and frequently throughout the day and night. She wants us to throw him so she can pounce on his round tush and hear him squeak in protest and surrender.

    My son’s size 17 shoe provides lots of entertainment too, especially since it’s as big as she is. She has chewed it down to only the sole. (Felix may have been right about the God thing, since dogs clearly love soles.)

    Sugar is a terrorist, and I am seriously considering alerting Homeland Security. I will wait until I have squeezed all the inspiration I can from Mr. Squeak, who gets dropped into the bathtub with me, and floats away on the waves. He stars in his own stories about taking a cruise, or digging to China.

    In her spare time, she likes to play Game of Thrones and appropriate my spot on the sofa. I’m the Queen, though,  and it’s good to be the queen.

    holes in Gods little acre

    On Chickens, Marriage, and Adjustment

    photo by gigi wolf- On Chickens, Marriage, and AdjustmentI re-read ‘The Egg and I’, a memoir written in the 1950’s. It’s still relevant, mainly because female readers can relate to the author’s trials living on a chicken ranch in the wilds of the mountains of Washington, sans most of the luxuries of civilization, like indoor plumbing, electricity, and central heat.

    I can also relate to Jean Kerr, who wrote ‘Please Don’t Eat the Daisies’. She wanted a lifestyle that let her sleep until noon each day. She wouldn’t be caught dead on a chicken ranch.

    [Read more…]

    6 Reasons To Get Enough Sleep As If You Didn’t Know This Already

    six reasons to get enough sleepI got my postgraduate degree from USC Los Angeles (Home of the Trojans, those perves).

    In return for what it cost, which is an amount equivalent to the gross national product of a small country, I receive their newsletter, which is more like a magazine, very glossy and filled with useful information. Like an article on why we need more sleep.

    So worth the $50,000.

    [Read more…]