How The Rastafari And The Doobie Settled America And Helped The Puritans Get Mellow


A friend let it slip in my hearing that she wished the Rastafari had settled America, instead of those swingin’ Puritans, so that America would be a more mellow nation today.

I sympathized with the sentiment; the early settlers of Nevada, the Bugsyians, didn’t even allow the lottery, which led to very strict laws.

This state would be much better off if it allowed people to have more fun, maybe even gamble a little.

Las Vegas Strip

The Bugsyians settled Nevada.

The Puritans arrived in America a long time ago, sometime before the first Fourth of July weekend. The minute the first one set foot on that windswept spot on the rocky shores of New England, near a sign flashing ‘Chevy Rock Car Sales’, they were surrounded by Rastafari car salesmen trying to sell them a Plymouth and a doobie.

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Six Really Cool Insurance Policies I Wish I Had


Recently, for reasons that escape me, I began thinking about insurance policies, giving the subject a good five minutes of deep thought. (Well, three and a half minutes, at least.)

Thinking about insurance policies at

We have auto, homeowner’s, health, and theft; all the regular policies most people have. But insurance companies need to become more relevant to the different times and seasons of a person’s life.

There are many people who don’t drive anymore, own anything worth stealing, or who just take a c’est la vie approach to life, and don’t have insurance for anything. I like those people.

Other people have insurance policies backed by Smith and Wesson.

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: A Sociological Dissemination


I feel it’s my duty to call attention to the ‘Most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’.

Rudolph is the subject of a song I hear every Christmas season, and know by heart, since I learned it approximately 5,000 years ago.

Like most people, I don’t listen to Christmas songs until they begin playing just after Halloween, when the radio transforms into a blithering, dithering idiot appliance, spouting the same songs 250,398 and 1/2 times over a two month period.

(The 1/2 occurs because of the international dateline and the longitudinal bypass of the periodontal tabulator.)

At 12:01 a.m., technically the day after Christmas, if a Christmas song is playing, it will suddenly stop, and that is the last of the songs until next November.

After deep thought, lasting about thirty seconds, I’ve decided the song, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is not suitable as a lesson for children, or shows a proper attitude toward Christmas.

Let’s take a quick look at the first line for starters, which includes the names of the ‘other’ reindeer.

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Would Daniel Boone Put Up With Your Misophonia?


There’s a new syndrome in town, according to Reader’s Digest, and it’s name is misophonia. Misophonia is a condition that makes it so terribly difficult for the sufferer to be around people who make noises.


Really? This works? How many of these cards must you have to get the ‘public’ to be quiet?

Maybe you shuffle when you walk, or your jaw pops when you eat, or maybe you like oxygen, so you breathe. Shame on you.

The misophone cannot stand these noises. They will snap your head off, making a lot of noise in the process, if you don’t knock it off.

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You Say Couch Potato Like Its A Bad Thing


I heard that if you are a couch potato, who watches cooking shows on the food networks, or any network, you will gain weight. Can you beat that? Well, I guess you could beat it, especially with a handy beater, which is in your kitchen drawer.

My question is, if a person stops watching those foodie shows, and watches exercise shows instead, will they lose weight?

This report did not explain the reason a person gains weight watching these shows. So, in my usual semi-detached, scientific manner, I conducted an experiment using a control group of skinny couch potatoes who watch cooking shows, and who became fat over a matter of just a few shows.

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Advanced Medical Directive And Why You Should Practice Your Ballet


Advanced medical directive means not making your doctor a beneficiary

I went to the hospital the other day for pre-registration and pre-op tests for an upcoming surgery.

Pre-registration includes giving the hospital an advanced medical directive, which is hospital-speak for what they should do with your inert, yet breathing body, after they’ve messed up your surgery, and you never get to be waited on in bed.

Do you want them to keep you alive and continue to bill the insurance company, or should they just pull the plug? Hospitals are sometimes short on bed space, and need to know these things.

Nurses also sucked out a bunch of my blood for the pre-op tests, ostensibly to make sure I’ll clot nicely when they cut me open, and to ascertain whether I have any  communicable diseases they might catch.

They hate when that happens.

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7 Hot Button Issues Of Political Correctness That Can Be Injurious To Your Standing As A Bigoted Dweeb


Recently, a friend asked me, as a topic-introducer, though Lord knows we don’t need one, since we never shut up when we get together, what topical issue I am soft on. Frankly, I’m soft on all of them, especially fitness, because getting hard is really hard. Especially at my age.

This whole question is a set-up, and will lead you into the sand trap of political correctness.

You should not answer this question, except on your own blog, which you can be pretty sure none of your friends are reading. The friend who asks it will have diametrically opposed opinions to yours, and since yours will likely be opposite to popular consensus, you will look like a bigoted jerk.

Since I am a bigoted jerk (although I do manage to hide this fact from most people) I don’t really care what other people think, but not everyone can be as brave as I.

hot button

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8 Essential Apps I Need, If Only I Had A Smart Phone


As usual, I have nothing that’s cutting edge, not even a smart phone. Therefore, I don’t have any essential apps, an abbreviation I assume stands for applications, as in ‘How can I apply this to my life?’

There is a restaurant advertising ‘endless apps’. I’m certain this stands for appetizer,  and is much more fascinating, as far as I’m concerned.

appsBut, since I don’t have a Smartphone, or even one that is mildly intelligent, my life isn’t as full and satisfying as it could be. My phone just lies on a surface somewhere, mocking me, like that shockingly immature cheese that mocks the guy in a lab coat, who ruefully decides the big cheese isn’t ‘ready.’

There are 8 essential apps that I would like to have; apps that would make my life easier, smoother, and happier, in short, a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

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7 Reasons I Miss The Telephone Book, Only One Of Which Is Potentially Embarrassing


I opened my front door today and saw a telephone book laying in front of my door. It was inside a plastic sleeve, so I know it wasn’t dropped there accidentally, by some random passerby who just happened to be carrying a telephone book in a plastic bag and got tired.

5 Reasons I miss the telephone book

Telephone books seem to have gone the way of the landline telephone, the answering machine, and snail mail that includes a Thank You note for the gift I sent a relative a year ago.

(The typing monitor asked if I meant ‘landmine.’ I hope not, typing monitor. I hope not.)

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10 Warning Signs Of A Psychopath And A Serial Killer: Could This Be You???


What are ten warning signs of a psychopath? Why would you assume I know? If you’ve ever wondered whether you, or someone else, is a psychopath or a serial killer, I will set your mind at ease.

Well, maybe not at ease, but if you aren’t dead, I can assure you that you aren’t the victim of a serial killer, although you may be one.

We’ve read the stories about the woman married all unknowing for twenty years to a guy she thought was just tinkering in the garage or hanging out with buddies, but was really dispatching the equivalent population of a small town, and it’s a big surprise when the Feds bust in during breakfast looking for him.

Who is she kidding? He didn’t have buddies; he was a ‘loner,’ mainly because he kept killing people who might have become his buddies.

Oh, he was tinkering, alright.

Identify a Psychopath Step 10.jpg

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6 Reasons Driving A Badass Pickup Truck Can Be Life Threatening


6 Reasons Driving a Badass Pickup Truck Can Be Life ThreateningI was driving home from the pool the other day, feeling all serene and endorphin-fulfilled. I avoid main streets with traffic lights whenever I can, so I took a street that requires looking from left to right and back again before hauling bumper to the other side.

A compact coming from the left had its signal on, had slowed down, and had moved into the left turn mode. I looked to the right one more time, and began to pull out. The driver of the compact had changed his mind, and was now right in front of my grill.

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In the Event of a Terrorist Attack, Please Pull Out Your Medical Files


Our National Security is at risk. This was brought to my attention as I sat in a doctor’s office filling out medical paperwork. I waited two hours to see the doctor, so it was good that I had all the paperwork to occupy my time.

Nine out of ten doctors recommend a heavy dose of paperwork to distract patients from most aches and pains not associated with carpal tunnel syndrome.

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Why Dinosaurs Became Extinct: Because They Used Winchester Rifle Say Archaeologists


From the beginning of time, people have wondered why dinosaurs became extinct. They wondered this even when dinosaurs were walking the earth and standing right in front of them. Early people were quite obviously blind as bats.

They wondered about this phenomenon before the word ‘extinct’ was even invented, which is why they didn’t know that standing in front of some dinosaurs and gawking at them in wonder was a valid reason for humans to follow the dinosaurs’ giant footsteps into oblivion.

This scientific curiosity and nearsightedness of our ancestors stemmed from ancient optometrists not having developed eye exams during the reign of the dinosaur. In the optometrists’ defense, since the alphabet hadn’t been written yet, those big and small letters in the exam would have been difficult to invent.

Instead, early optometrists used stick drawings of wooly mammoths and guys holding spears when they should have used drawings of T-Rexes.

early optometrist eye exam

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Nothing I Learned In Kindergarten Has Done Me A Bit Of Good


I remember my mother abandoning me to the tender mercies of the kindergarten teacher when I was six years old. She promised she’d stay and watch through that little window in the door, and she did for a little while.

Then, she disappeared and I had to learn my ABCs.

This was before Sesame Street so the banner marching across the top of the blackboard was my first official glimpse of the letters.

Supposedly, everything we need to know we learned in that classroom, but my parents have to share some of the blame.

Nothing I learned in kindergarten has done me a bit of good.

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Wonder Woman In All Her Divine Kinkiness


Wonder Woman was really into kinkiness.

At least, all the men she came into contact with were into doing kinky things with her, like chaining her up, tying her up, manacling her, cuffing her, duct taping her, binding her up with anything they could get their hands on, and then putting her in their vans, and taking her to a creepy farmhouse in the country.

Some people believe food shortages are caused by economic factors, like turning farmland into suburban developments, but they are really caused by people being kept in farmhouses. No work is getting done.

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To Speak With St Peter, Please Remain On The Line. You Are Caller Number 3,467,895



half full journalThe journals detailing my life from fifteen years ago are only half full. I’ll read them occasionally, and it’s amazing how much my life hasn’t changed.

I still hate traffic, I’m still in love with the same guy (I’m just not obsessing about him because I’ve got him) I’m still trying to lose weight (where is the journal that says I’ve lost all the weight I want and look absolutely perfect?).

I still have the same habits, with the exception of a few, that I vow to give up, or there are aspects of my shabby character that I’m determined to improve.

For instance, waking up in a better, more energized mood every day. (I think I’m gonna need a bigger journal.)

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How To Talk To Your Dog About The Future Without Getting Seltzer Water Down Your Pants


This post is dedicated to my friend, Patty Rolow. I miss you.

The object of how to talk to your dog about the future is to find out whether they have future plans, or whether they just plan to be dependent on you indefinitely. Having dependents really cuts into nap time and visits to the beauty salon for the person who is initiating The Talk.

TerroristI sat down and had this Talk with my dog Sugar, the other day. I was a little disappointed in her; she has no immediate plans for the future. The best she could come up with was that she might like to attend Clown College.

According to the Dow-Bozo Industrial Average, enrollment in clown schools has been steadily declining since the advent of YouTube and videos featuring stupid people.

Future professional clowns realized they didn’t need to pay for clown school, because they could put their brand out there without any expense or effort on their part.

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The CIA Has a Secret Museum That No One Knows About Except You and Me


The CIA has a secret museum, which by definition of a museum, houses objects of historical, or some other kind, of significance. This museum is ‘secret’ in the sense that only a zillion people who work for the CIA, including their families, visitors to the agency and THEIR families, know about it, and now the Smithsonian magazine does too, which is where I found out about it, and immediately started plotting to get inside.

Inside this museum are all kinds of cool things that you and I should get to see, but as we know, CIA stands for Can’t Inform Americans, and they are very selfish. It makes me so mad, I am going send my electronically enhanced cockroach into the building.

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8 Reasons Road Trips With Your Husband Are Not Such A Great Idea, Only One Of Which Includes Large Wet Noses


Road trips with your favorite husband, who may, or may not be, the one you’re married to, seem like a great idea. Stopping to gaze at magnificent vistas; staying overnight in romantic B & Bs; hours of uninterrupted alone time in a car. (Assuming you have no children with whom you feel obligated to travel.)

Sounds wonderful. Or, does it?

I spent entire minutes of my spare time, which occur while I’m driving, thinking of 8 reasons road trips with your hubby are not such a great idea.

Deep thinking made me miss a few of my favorite songs on the radio. He’s already interfering with my road trip.

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10 Things Women Don’t Do In Movies That Make Me Crazy And Every Toddler Knows How To Do


Yesterday I binged on a Dirty Harry marathon, and couldn’t sleep from over stimulation of violence and raw justice. I yelled at the television occasionally, when I thought people were doing it ‘wrong’, and thought of 10 things women don’t do in movies that could save their bacon.

Yelling at the the television is an obnoxious habit, and proves I’m getting old, or crazy, or need to get out of the house more. I don’t care. I will take you down, if you tell me I can’t yell at people in movies.

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Why Fat Cells Turn To Crime



Lamp post in Paradise

There are 101 ways to lose weight, but far more ways to gain it, and that is why the third oldest profession, after Interior Cave Decorator, is Diet Doctor. Diet Doctors love fat cells, which would never turn to crime if they had a viable profession to fall back on, like prostitution.

This is generally supposed to be the oldest profession in the world and was invented right after Adam and Eve celebrated their tenth anniversary, and the city of Paradise erected the first lamp post.

Without lamp posts, prostitutes would need to rent office space.

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Australia and Me: The Dingo Was My Baby


There’s a reason I’m two degrees from being a gypsy. My parents were gypsies, so it must be genetic. I’d be able to prove this, if my genes didn’t keep packing up their crap and moving.

In the 1960s, Australia was actively searching for people to move to their country and be productive citizens. There was a flood of immigration here in the 80s, but rarely do countries actively invite strangers to their shores.

I’ve heard rumors that Canada is welcoming and polite to foreigners. I’m thinking of moving my family there, to determine if I can leave my doors unlocked, and be free from homicide by gunfire.

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And, The Oscar Goes To: Pete, The Viking, For Perfect Attendance In Battle


Awards are pleasant things, and are handed out for rescuing children from a burning building, discovering a cure for a disease, or for having perfect attendance at work.

I was subbing one day in a teacher’s class and saw a long line of awards on his cabinets. It was very impressive. I wanted to give him an award for having the most awards.

These were all for perfect attendance.


I have received degrees and certificates of achievement, but I can’t remember ever getting an award.

When I was young, we had a Great Pyrenees named Beaucoup. He won a trophy for Longest Tail in a local dog show. I wanted him to win for Biggest Dog, but the politics in these things are rough. I saw Liver Snaps changing snouts right and left.

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Please Write Some Letters For Your Biographer Before You Go To The Big Archive In The Sky


I am begging you to write some letters before you leave this earthly plane. You may never have written a letter in your life, or at least not since your second grade teacher decided, as a Learning Experience, you should write to your parents, or Santa Claus, or something equally dweeby.

With the disappearance of personal letters, a biographer will not be able to write a book about you.

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Procrastination Anonymous May or May Not Be Meeting Tomorrow


Procrastination was first developed in Italy five hundred years ago, over a long lunch, with many bottles of wine. All kinds of people were at that lunch; scientists who cured diseases, geniuses who invented amazing technology, aliens from Vulcan, you name it, they were there.

We have never heard of them, nor are we able to benefit from their achievements, because they never achieved them. That lunch is still going on.

After coming up with some sketchy ideas about the concept of procrastination, and drawing pictures on their cocktail napkins, this Italian coffee klatch drank some more wine, and managed to delay further development in procrastination until the next meeting.

Which may or may not be tomorrow.

The cocktail napkins were used to mop up wine spilled by Leonardo (no last names, please), and are lost to history.

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Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil and You’ll Never Get Invited To Parties


To live a good life and make friends, you are adjured to ‘Hear no evil and speak no evil’. Other than that, forging friendships shouldn’t be hard. There are tons of people around; you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. Some of them are quite likeable. We all know, perhaps may even be, one of those paragons of virtue who are kind, compassionate, and helpful, and have a flashy personality to boot.

Maybe we are even a flashy personality who likes to wear boots.

batmanMost of us love these people. Not everyone does, because some people are just miserable, and hate all kind, compassionate, flashy, boot-wearing paragons. They especially hate the people who are the nemesis of a superhero. Nemeses (the plural of nemesis, I looked it up) hate those paragons, and a superhero is always a paragon of virtue, and wears boots, to boot.

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Winning The Internet Jackpot


Before you get all excited, there is no money attached to winning. However, if you like to pat yourself on the back, you’ll be in gravy after you learn the Secret of Winning the Internet Jackpot.

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I Is Another: A Difficult Matter

I woke up, stretched, and yawned. It was another chilly, wet day. I hunched my shoulders against the damp and stood. Living and sleeping outside was telling on me; each day and night on the street made me feel older than Methuselah, and twice as wise.

I hoped I found something to eat before my stomach contracted and never went back to normal. I was warm enough now, but didn’t like getting wet. It was hard to get dry and warm again on days like this.

Maybe today I’d stumble on a house with an open window or a door left ajar, slip inside while the owners were at work, and make myself comfortable.

Find food; sleep on a bed or sofa for a few hours.

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