Holes And Vanity Plates Outlawed By The Department Of Motor Vehicles

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The Department of Motor Vehicles has outlawed all holes on grounds of moral turpitude. They have not specified which holes in particular are deviant and offensive; I went out today with several of mine, and was not stopped by law enforcement, although new laws sometimes require a cushion to become ‘dug in’.  Do not worry about your holes; they are safe from prosecution for the time being.

I have taken to standing on my head outside, which is good for blood flow, but when I’m wearing a skirt or a dress, I attract quite a few curious onlookers. They ask me what I think I’m doing at my age, walking around parking lots and streets on my hands. I just tell them I like a womb with a view.

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10 Warning Signs Of A Psychopath And A Serial Killer: Could This Be You???

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What are ten warning signs of a psychopath? Why would you assume I know? If you’ve ever wondered whether you, or someone else, is a psychopath or a serial killer, I will set your mind at ease. Well, maybe not at ease, but if you aren’t dead, I can at least assure you that you aren’t the victim of a serial killer, although you may be one.

We’ve read the stories about the woman married all unknowing for twenty years to a guy she thought was just tinkering in the garage or hanging out with buddies, but was really dispatching the equivalent population of a small town, and its a big surprise when the Feds bust in during breakfast looking for him.

Who is she kidding? He didn’t have buddies; he was a ‘loner,’ mainly because he kept killing people who might have become his buddies. Oh, he was tinkering, alright.

Identify a Psychopath Step 10.jpg

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How The Rastafari And The Doobie Settled America And Helped The Puritans Get Mellow

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A friend let it slip in my hearing that she wished the Rastafari had settled America, instead of those swingin’ Puritans, so that America would be a more mellow nation today. I sympathized with the sentiment; the early settlers of Nevada, the Bugsyians, didn’t even allow the lottery, which led to very strict laws.This state would be much better off if it allowed people to have more fun, maybe even gamble a little.

rsz_las_vegas_strip_photo_1_e316f5The Puritans arrived in America a long time ago, sometime before the first Fourth of July weekend. The minute the first one set foot on that windswept spot on the rocky shores of New England, near a sign flashing ‘Chevy Rock Car Sales’, they were surrounded by Rastafari car salesmen trying to sell them a Plymouth and a doobie.

That sign is an important American landmark; it guided our Puritans through fog and rain and the confusion caused by vintage GPS (Guiding Puritans at Sea) units. Today, Chevy Rock can be found by looking for the stoned Puritan air dancers, which, like the Puritans, have no distinguishing male or female characteristics, although they do sport the colors of the Rastafari.

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#HowTheHashtagRuinedMyLife

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Like many people who have reached retirement age, I reconnected with former friends and colleagues on social media. They tell the world that it has been ‘several decades’ since we all embarked on that job we had together. One of them put up a picture she said was taken 37 years ago, with #bestjobever under it.

I summarily corrected her math, until I realized she was right. My math sucks; it was almost forty years ago, and I wrote #DontRemindMe. I still don’t know what the hashtag means, but I knew it as a pound sign, back in the 1800’s when I was a child. The pound sign speaks to me in ways the hashtag does not. It was a word I wanted to demonstrate right then and there, but  #ViolenceNeverSolvedAnything.

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Why Dinosaurs Became Extinct: Because They Used Winchester Rifle Say Archaeologists

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From the beginning of time, people have wondered why dinosaurs became extinct. They wondered this even when dinosaurs were walking the earth and standing right in front of them. Early people were quite obviously blind as bats.

They wondered about this phenomenon before the word ‘extinct’ was even invented, which is why they didn’t know that standing in front of some dinosaurs and gawking at them in wonder was a valid reason for humans to follow the dinosaurs’ giant footsteps into oblivion.

This scientific curiosity and nearsightedness of our ancestors stemmed from ancient optometrists not having developed eye exams during the reign of the dinosaur. In the optometrists’ defense, since the alphabet hadn’t been written yet, those big and small letters in the exam would have been difficult to invent. Instead, early optometrists used stick drawings of wooly mammoths and guys holding spears when they should have used drawings of T-Rexes.

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Wonder Woman In All Her Divine Kinkiness

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Wonder Woman was really into kinkiness. At least, all the men she came into contact with were into doing kinky things with her, like chaining her up, tying her up, manacling her, cuffing her, duct taping her, binding her up with anything they could get their hands on, and then putting her in their vans, and taking her to a creepy farmhouse in the country.

(Some people believe food shortages are caused by economic factors, like turning farmland into suburban developments, but they are really caused by people being kept in farmhouses. No work is getting done.)

Wonder Woman is the reason men wear pants that droop around their ankles. If her captors had nothing else, they would take off their belts and tie her up. She would laugh at them when they tripped on their pants, thus taking away their power. This enabled her to break her bonds and tie them up with their own pants.

Wonder Woman always managed to get free, because she was really limber, and really strong, and really smart. Once she was free, she’d tell the man who captured her to ‘Call me sometime, Duct-Tape Boy’, and off she’d go to save the world. Saving the world easy when you have great jewelry to wear. Wonder Woman had cuff bracelets, and a gold lariat which she wore as a long necklace on dates with Duct-Tape Boy.

Wonder Woman was raised on a secluded tropical island near ancient Greece, with other women known as Amazons, who had never been in contact with men. For many years it remained a mystery how she was conceived; there were no cabbage patches on this island, or even storks. She did have god-like superhero powers, leading some to believe she may have been ordered from a giant website, MtOlympus.com, which was later renamed Amazon.com in her honor.

The island was named Paradise Island, because there was no one to leave underpants on the floor, or miss the bowl when they peed. The women living there were strong and fearless, and loved to shop on the Internet, once they realized the scope of things that could be ordered. Paradise Island was soon filled with all kinds of gadgets when UPS men delivered their packages, and sometimes even the boxes. The trucks didn’t float, so they sank just before reaching land. The Amazon women had contests of skill and daring as they swam around gathering floating packages.

This young Amazon of Paradise Island was not christened Wonder when she was born, because her parents did not live in the years 2000-2014, when children are named Bus Stop Number 9, and D’Oneandonly. Her parents were a little more sensible, and named her Woman so her substitute teachers would know how to pronounce her name when they called roll.

Actually, she was named Diana, and she was the daughter of Queen Hippolyta, and Zeus, the philandering husband of Hera. He was always fooling around with someone, and we are all related to him by just a few degrees of separation. Wonder Woman almost wasn’t conceived, because her mom, Queen Hippolyta, refused to take off her magic girdle when Zeus showed up at her house. She wasn’t nicknamed ‘Hippo’ for nothing.

The queen later became an incredibly wealthy entrepreneur when she started an underwear company for women, which she named Spanks, a multi-million drachma start-up. She was inspired while watching ‘the girls’ at play one day.

Amazons loved their new underwear, because while togas could hide a multitude of sins, superhero outfits did not.

Though Wonder Woman liked women alright, she was stronger than most of her ‘sisters’ on the island. She also liked submission and domination, at least for short periods in each comic book. She wanted to try out men, especially after meeting a pilot who crashed near the island, and who lied to her about being married. His name was Steve Trevor, and he must have had temporary amnesia from being bonked on the head, because Wonder Woman would say his name in bold type in every panel.

Wonder Woman’s magic lariat was often used against her, which is convenient if you’re into domination games. Evil henchmen and pilots were forced to tell the truth when Wonder Woman ensnared them in the coils of her magical golden lasso.

The pilots union tried to have it listed as a contraband item on flights, because it put a crimp in their layover plans, but the flight attendants union won out over their objections. Normally, pilots love having a rope handy on layovers. They were also jealous of her invisible jet. It never had maintenance problems, and beat out every other airline for on time departures and arrivals.

She left the island, and went to America where people appreciate a good outfit, and a great rack. America in the 1940s was where she could find men who were also into domination and submission. These men were known at the time as ‘Nazis’, and Wonder Woman made short work of them.

She tried to break her unhealthy patterns, and while struggling with her demons, she invented the ‘safe’ word. When an evil henchman tied her too tight, she’d yell out her safe word, ‘Knock it off, douche bag!’ (This is actually five words, but who’s counting?)The evil henchman would loosen the bonds, because he knew Wonder Woman could take away his belt, and make him trip over his pants.

Besides the queen and Zeus fooling around and conceiving their little wonder, there were two women who were the inspiration for Wonder Woman. They lived together with Dr. William Marston, her comic book creator.

One of the women was his wife, and he brought the other one home from work, and made up a scientific-sounding name for their arrangement, ‘polyamorous’. This really meant he was is in love with a woman named Polly. The two women were jealous of Polly, and they took out their frustration by showing Wonder Woman being tied up by women, too.

The first incident of identity theft in America occurred when Wonder Woman met a young nurse named Diana Prince. Ms.Prince was distressed because her fiance was being transferred to a foreign country, or so he said. Wonder Woman took advantage of the situation, and became a nurse in this young woman’s stead. She didn’t even have to remember a new first name. This left the real Diana Prince free to check her fiance’s emails, and follow him to wherever he said he was going, which was probably to the nearest sports bar or strip club.

Wonder Woman, in her new guise as a nurse, and without even knowing how to work a blood pressure cuff, caused the death of many patients by giving them chocolate instead of their medications. This is standard procedure at St. Hershey’s, but that is the only hospital which recognizes Chocolate Infusion as an alternative wellness therapy. It is not covered by most insurance plans.

Eventually, Wonder Woman joined the Justice League after she got tired of nursing, and wearing scrubs that didn’t show off her great body. Plus, she was constantly being accused of killing patients, or giving them diabetes. The Justice League showed their appreciation by making her a secretary, and sending her out for coffee thirty times a day. Superheroes drink way too much coffee, but try telling them that. They get really ticked.

She had no training as a secretary either, so mostly the guys just chased her around their desks, but she was pretty fast. Flash was the only one who was faster than she was, but being a typical guy, and very speedy, she could never be sure anything happened when he did catch her. He would just smirk at her, with a superhuman smirk.

During most meetings of the Justice League, the superheroes talked about mundane things, such as how the cost of having their outfits dry cleaned kept going up. Once though, they all decided to fly to Europe to help the Allies during World War II. The members of the Justice League didn’t have to take planes, which made Wonder Woman’s job as travel coordinator very easy.

However, no one could read her notes, and didn’t know when or where they had agreed to meet. Some of them stayed home, and some went to entirely different countries where there wasn’t even a war going on. This illustrates the importance of good note-taking. We still won the war, but it was touch and go there, for awhile.

Since secretarial work was the best she could hope for in this era, whatever it was, despite her qualifications of super strength, wisdom, and bondage capabilities, Wonder Woman eventually went home to Paradise Island, and became a motivational speaker. Her fellow Amazons loved her lectures, because after her talks they would tie each other up, and call themselves Polly. It was a hoot.

She is still on Paradise Island, and if you would like to hear her motivational speeches, they are available on a set of boxed CDs, reasonably priced at $235.00, for a limited time only.

She will pay shipping costs if you call today, but don’t expect them to arrive via UPS.    

 

                

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The CIA Has a Secret Museum That No One Knows About Except You and Me

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The CIA has a secret museum, which by definition of a museum, houses objects of historical, or some other kind, of significance. This museum is ‘secret’ in the sense that only a zillion people who work for the CIA, including their families, visitors to the agency and THEIR families, know about it, and now the Smithsonian magazine does too, which is where I found out about it, and immediately started plotting to get inside.

Inside this museum are all kinds of cool things that you and I should get to see, but as we know, CIA stands for Can’t Inform Americans, and they are very selfish. It makes me so mad, I am going send my electronically enhanced cockroach into the building.

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Nothing I Learned In Kindergarten Has Done Me A Bit Of Good

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I remember my mother abandoning me to the tender mercies of the kindergarten teacher when I was six years old. She promised she’d stay and watch through that little window in the door, and she did for a little while. Then, she disappeared and I had to learn my ABCs. This was before Sesame Street so the banner marching across the top of the blackboard was my first official glimpse of the letters.

Supposedly, everything we need to know we learned in that classroom, but my parents have to share some of the blame. Nothing I learned in kindergarten has done me a bit of good.

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Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil and You’ll Never Get Invited To Parties

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To live a good life and make friends, you are adjured to ‘Hear no evil and speak no evil’. Other than that, forging friendships shouldn’t be hard. There are tons of people around; you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. Some of them are quite likeable. We all know, perhaps may even be, one of those paragons of virtue who are kind, compassionate, and helpful, and have a flashy personality to boot.

Maybe we are even a flashy personality who likes to wear boots.

batmanMost of us love these people. Not everyone does, because some people are just miserable, and hate all kind, compassionate, flashy, boot-wearing paragons. They especially hate the people who are the nemesis of a superhero. Nemeses (the plural of nemesis, I looked it up) hate those paragons, and a superhero is always a paragon of virtue, and wears boots, to boot.

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Sex, Love, Limerence, and Good Old-Fashioned Obsession: These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

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Sex and love are time consuming. If you are busy doing either, or both, of them, you hardly have time to grocery shop, much less go to work, or clean the house. When you first fall in love with someone, all you can think about is that person. When you look at them, they shimmer in that foggy way they use on television to denote someone shimmering in a foggy way. Sometimes its hard to see your love object through the fog.

Scientists have been working on a virtual rendition of this shimmering fog, so that people in love will remain in love for longer than three months. The Love Fog generally dissipates the first time someone farts, to be replaced by a fog of an entirely different sort.

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How To Get In Shape In Ten Easy Pieces of Exercise Equipment

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How to get in shape in Ten Easy Pieces is not a new movie with Jack Nicholson. Jack made Five Easy Pieces, and his brother wanted to make a sequel, but it never happened. Jack, on the other hand, does not know a lot about getting buff, because very young women will hang around him anyway, regardless of his looks.

That’s how he got five easy pieces to begin with.

jacknicolsonJack Nicholson is an exception. Unless you have buckets of money, you cannot hope to equal Jack’s lack of fitness, and getting young women to hang out with you. So, for the rest of the population, I am going to explain the steps to getting in shape.

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101 Ways Minus 97, To Lose Weight

There are 101 ways to lose weight, but far more ways to gain it, and that is why the third oldest profession, after Interior Cave Decorator, is Diet Doctor. Diet Doctors love fat cells, which would never turn to crime if they had a viable profession to fall back on, like prostitution. This is generally supposed to be the oldest profession in the world and was invented right after Adam and Eve celebrated their tenth anniversary, and the city of Paradise erected the first lamp post. Without lamp posts, prostitutes would need to rent office space.

Ancient Diet Doctors, who did not want overweight prostitutes to suffer, were highly paid scientists, who spent their lives in industrial cave kitchens, eating pizza and ice cream, and then, the minute they couldn’t button their pants, informed everyone that these Foods were Fattening. I tip my hat to them, if they don’t mind if I don’t actually wear it. Hats bug me after awhile, no matter how much I want to look like Doris Day in Calamity Jane.

I used to be a yo-yo dieter. I ate lots of yo-yos, hoping that eventually they would stay down, but they kept coming back, and I didn’t gain weight eating them. It was a very satisfactory situation. I am a highly underpaid, regular person, so I won’t charge anyone for this precious knowledge; I will just tell you to be careful about biting down hard on yo-yos.

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