This person cited a guy named Ed to back up his claim. Ed was an acquaintance of his who was a psychologist, or knew a psychologist, or who’d seen one once in a 7–11. Bear in mind, none of them–Ed, the psychologist, or this name caller–know me, or has ever met me, so naturally the buddy, Ed, knows whereof he speaks.

There are dozens of questions and answers about narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, and psychopathy. People are fascinated by both, much like traffic accidents by the side of the road fascinate looky loos. Except most people don’t wish they were the victims of the accident. They do, however, long to be psychopaths and love to talk about narcissists.

I don’t understand the compulsion, but I have a sneaking suspicion that other people, disturbed and not so disturbed, like to accuse people of a mental or emotional disorder. It’s the best thing ever. Them having one would explain so much, like why someone won’t lend them their car, money, or new jacket, why they won’t sleep with them, and why they didn’t get invited to their party.

The name caller shortened it once and called me a ‘narc’, which was a refreshing change from narcissist. Back in my day, a narc was a rat fink who told the cops when someone was selling dope. Now it’s short for narcissist. They didn’t check with me before changing it.

I did a Google search for this deathless piece to find out just what the signs of a narcissist are. You’d think I could list them without looking, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the mirror long enough.

Lots of articles popped up on Google’s first page, each with a different number of Signs of a Narcissist: 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, and 18. Isn’t that interesting. Sounds like someone didn’t want to be one-upped. Or four-upped.

They addressed various relationships, like, Signs you may be involved with a narcissist, Signs you may be working for a narcissist, Signs your mom is a narcissist, Signs your dog is a narcissist, and Signs for Detroit, Michigan. Oh, never mind that one. That was from a road trip.

By the by, my dog, Sugar, is the real narcissist. Everything is about her, her, her.

Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited. In our highly individualistic and externally driven society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged.

I’m going to take several of those ‘signs of a narcissist’ articles and mush them together. Let’s see what bubbles to the top of the Narcissist Stew pot.

To wit:

Narcissists are “conversation interrupters, hoarders, and they’re rule breakers” to boot.

They disobey society’s rules by ‘cutting in line, are chronic under-tippers, they steal office supplies, break multiple appointments, or disobey traffic laws.’

This is serious stuff. I cannot tell a lie; I have interrupted people in my time, particularly if something on the stove is on fire, but I never under tipped. I worked for tips once. Forget that noise. This is just insulting. Tch.

I did take a few paper clips and pens from the office occasionally, I admit that freely. And I break appointments. Sometimes I forget them, sometimes I don’t feel well, because who knows what might happen weeks after an appointment is scheduled, sometimes I have car trouble. I’m a terrible person, I see that now.

I’ve broken traffic laws, too. I’ve driven over the speed limit a time or two. I don’t know where this leaves me, narcissist-wise, but I do know I’m going to use this disorder if I get stopped by a cop.

“I’m a Narcissist, Occifer, and am in a government protected group. Can’t you see that by looking at me and my license with the awesome, perfect picture, and no birth date? Whatever I did, it wasn’t my fault, and I’m late for a hair appointment.”

Narcissists violate boundaries.

They show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

I’m starting to get an itchy pointing finger, particularly for the stalker who calls me a narcissist. And his friends, such as they are. They jumped on his bandwagon, echoing the names, and exacerbated his latent narcissism.  This is called mutual masturbatory name calling. That’s mine! I coined it!

Narcissists are likeable. Some are loud, some are shy. They are often in leadership roles.

Meh. I hate leading and I hate following. But that’s just me, me, me. I’m a loner narcissist, if I am one, and as such, am not getting the feedback I deserve. I’m gonna need some sycophants. Applications accepted between noon and three. I need my beauty sleep.

Narcissists manage to make the conversation about themselves, selves, selves.

I’ve been accused of never revealing information about myself, and now you know why. Talk about your family or your new haircut, and right away someone accuses you of being a conversation hoarder.

Seems to me like a narcissist can’t win whatever they do. If they talk about you, they’re manipulative and fake charming; if they talk about themselves, they’re narcissists. If they talk about the weather or politics, they’re “hiding,” or showing off their knowledge.

I’m starting to feel sorry for the narcissist.

Narcissists are name droppers.

Hey, if I’m related to Queen Elizabeth, you should know about it. I can’t ask just anybody to a party at the palace, and that’s why you didn’t get an invite.

Narcissists like to impress others.

See the sign directly above this one.

They like to make themselves look good, having a ‘trophy complex’, which manifests physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.

These are called “grandstanding merit badges.” I don’t even know what to do with this one. Whatever, dude. I’m awesome, and you know it.

I’ve admitted in writing that I’m jealous of everybody, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done, so we can at least eliminate arrogance from my profile.

Narcissists will often tell stories about themselves.

Oh, well. Stop the presses. No one is guilty of that but me. Snort.

Many times, the story will be about an instance of personal heroism or an exploit. But even when a story is of something negative that happened, it’ll never be the narcissist’s fault. There’s “more emotional victimization….” There’s still an air of self-reference “about not being understood or people not recognizing your value. It’s about me and how I’m great,” but others aren’t realizing it.

A bunch of people have a stock of personal heroism stories and it really gets my goat. Everyone but me has them. Like how they beat up a Hell’s Angel gang for bullying a seventh grader, or how they took on the Mafia single-handedly. (The typing monitor suggested “high-handedly.” I’d never be snotty to the Mafia.)

It’s all very Liam Neeson. But if I get rid of the “not recognizing my greatness” angle, there will be a serious gap in my humor standbys.

Narcissists like nice things.

Omigod. They should be shot.

It seems narcissists are status conscious. I think status seeking is stupid, so I may be excused from this, she said, as she flung her mink around her shoulders and drove away in her brand new Porsche.

A narcissist’s appearance is everything to them.

Finally, I’m seeing something that can apply to moi, moi, moi. I studied French, by the way, at some prestigious institute. Not that I’m bragging….

They “take care of their appearance and place an importance on looking physically attractive. Not everyone who makes a point to take care of their appearance is a narcissist,” one writer adds, but “well-applied nails, hair and so on, would be an indicator.”

This is uncanny. I do like to look my best. Not that some people would ever know it, going by the bleach stained tee-shirts I often wear at home, but I do like to make sure the livestock won’t get restive when I go out among real people. I even put on a little makeup when I go to the pool for a work out. If that ain’t narcissism, then it don’t rain in Indianapolis in the summertime.

That article says that the narcissist has “lots of friends on social media and not a single bad picture.” I rest my stalker’s case, although at only a little over 200 “friends” on Facebook, I’m not sure how strong a case it is. If he thinks I’m going to post a picture of myself without makeup and unkempt hair, he’s out of his mind.

Oh. Well. I rest my case.

Narcissists hate criticism.

Excuses are their best friend, and they “leave a trail of wreckage behind them” with bad relationships and work experiences.

My. I’ll have to check with my friends and family and former employers on that one. They seem okay, but they could be attending secret Victims of Narcissists meetings behind my back. What a whine fest those would be!

Narcissists are more likely to cheat.

Hmm. I don’t remember ever doing that, but if I did, and don’t remember, I want a do over.

Here’s a kicker: Narcissists don’t know they’re narcissists.

You can’t fight City Hall. If I don’t know I’m one, I must be one. But now that the stalker has kindly pointed it out, doesn’t that negate the charge?

Narcissists take everything personally.

Yeah, I take many things personally. Attorneys would be out of business without narcissists. The article says it’s best just to flatter the narcissist in order to keep the peace. Well, he didn’t do that. He and his friends have never flattered me unnecessarily, so I guess they don’t value peace.

That article further says narcissists have low self-esteem, while other articles say narcissists have lots of self-confidence and high self-esteem.

Make up your minds, experts. I can’t live like this.

Narcissists are more likely to be men than women.

What’s that about?

Narcissists give unsolicited advice.

I’ve been mansplained more than once. See the sign above this one. I’m usually too busy dispensing solicited advice to give out any other kind. Although, I have lectured young people on the importance of exercise and vitamins, and nine times out of ten, they didn’t ask for my input on their health.

Narcissists like to be the center of attention, and hate waiting in line.

I have to admit, while I’d never take my life in my hands by cutting in front of anyone, besides risking my mom coming back from the grave to lecture me on my manners, I hate waiting in line. In fact, I refuse to do it if at all possible.

You’d think I’d use the opportunity to do a soft shoe in front of my fellow line waiters, just to pass the time and get some unsolicited applause.

Narcissists are impatient.

This abhorrent behavior is natural on my part. See the “hate waiting in line” part.

Narcissists are “obsessed with power” and “take pleasure in putting others down.”

Uh-oh. I feel my pointing finger itching again. Actually, this post does put down narcissists, but since they’re unaware of their unfortunate condition, I don’t think we need worry. They’d never read this anyway. It’s not about them.

Narcissists have no empathy.

I’m no Mother Theresa, but from things I’ve heard, neither is she. I will cry over a commercial, but refuse to give my debit card to a homeless person. I’ve given a lost looking young man my lunch, though. Okay, it was my sandwich, but that was my lunch. Excuse me for not having chips and an apple to give him, too!

Uh-oh. I just realized I told a story about personal heroism. I am so screwed.

Narcissists are susceptible to flattery.

This one I’ll cop to. People who tell me I look young are very likely to end up in my basement where I’ll visit them daily for more compliments on my youthful looks.

(Put down the phone. I don’t have a basement, for cripe’s sake.)

A narcissist’s ambition knows no bounds.

I will step all over you to get to the top. Just tell me where the top is, and then lie down right here.

Narcissists can turn on the charm, they’re competitive, and can hold a grudge like other people can hold a baseball bat.

Where does it all stop? If I keep reading, I’ll find out narcissists like to eat at least two meals a day, and prefer oxygen to breathe above all other invisible gases, or whatever oxygen is.

Personally, after reading all this stuff, narcissists sound like fun. Like the stuff of which Lifetime Movies and Dynasty are made.

Well, I’m off to tell my agent to get me a part in a movie, never mind who he has to whack, and then y’all can watch me shine in a blockbuster everyone will be talking about, and I’ll be rich, rich, rich. You can catch me on the red carpet, ready to accept my award, wearing a bleach stained Gucci tee shirt, but my hair and nails will be done. I’ll be influential and looked up to and will dispense advice to my millions of minions. Then I’ll roar off in my Ferrari to my Beverly Hills mansion. But that stalker who harassed me? Oh, he’s going down.

Have I left anything out?