The Tao Of Stalkers: Five Reasons Stalkers Do Not Make Good Husbands
Stalkers do not make good husbands, but it does depend on your point of view. Most everything in life depends on your point of view.
Your stalker’s got a good point of view trained on you right now, through his binoculars. Tch.
Perhaps you’re single, and have been looking for good husband material. Perhaps you’ve searched high and low.
Perhaps you’ve even been arrested as a stalker yourself, while searching high on a tree branch outside that cute guy’s apartment, and then crouched low under his window. So you know what I’m talkin’ about.
You could do worse, I guess, than marrying your stalker. You could have married a serial killer, or a cheap guy who hates when you buy more shoes.
Be advised, not every guy is a stalker. It’s easy to make the distinction, though; other men are known as pedestrians. Haha!
Personally, I can’t imagine having the time and energy to stalk anyone. I’ve got my own to-do list, and there’s always a minimum of ten items on it. I do have some questions about this dubious hobby, however.
Like: How much time does it take to stalk someone? Has anyone determined that? How often does it need to be done? Five times a week? Once a week? One hour a day? More? How do you choose the person you’re stalking? By personal preference, or is there a more professional way to decide on a victim? Is there a quota to fill? Do you dump her eventually for someone younger? Have studies been done to help a a stalker? Are there journals or other resources to refer to? How do you decide on the venue, like which kind of tree is the most comfortable? Perhaps an evergreen to provide year round cover? Finally, is stalking done randomly, or is there a schedule on an Excel spread sheet?
This is like the woman who makes a living cuddling with strangers. I had a zillion questions about how that works. Unfortunately, stalking and cuddling are new, emerging fields, and there’s not a lot of data out there.
If someone wants to stalk me, maybe he can do the vacuuming, too. Huh? Ya ever think of that? Putting this person to work?
“Quit lurking about out here. Here’s the grocery list, pick up the dry cleaning, and put gas in the car. I’ll be at the beauty salon. And don’t hang around there, either. I’ll find out, and come after you with a pair of nail scissors. Get moving. Or maybe I’ll drag you in and do something about that bird’s nest you call a haircut. There’s a twig stuck in it, by the way.”
Stalkers must get married eventually, and whether they find a new hobby after the nuptials, is a subject beyond my ken. You’ll have to ask Dr. Phil, or someone like that.
Whatever, we won’t judge if you’re already married to one. Much.
1) Stalker husbands won’t make you feel special.
I hear you saying, “But Gigi, that’s how we met! He noticed my pretty hair, and my blue eyes, and my shoes, and new dress, and how my legs looked in that tight skirt, and how I’d gained five pounds since the week before, and, and…..”
No. As soon as you said, “I do” to this guy, he said, “I’ll see you later. I’ve, um, got some things to do….”
See, as soon as he’s married to you, the booty will always be cuter on the OTHER side of the street. Right through Mrs. Jenkins window there.
Oh, sure. He noticed her new outfit.
To make the magic last in your marriage, tell him to go outside and peek in your window at your new underwear. That can be kinky.
2) Stalker husbands are by your side. Forever, they told you.
Yeah, sure. Typical man, he comes and goes. He promises in emails and notes that he’ll show up as soon as it gets dark, but when the going gets tough, and the cops show up, what does he do? Scamper away.
Well, nobody’s perfect. Least of all a stalker. At least you’ll get some peace and quiet while he’s in jail. You’d be surprised how much you miss alone time once you get married.
3) Stalker husbands have a passion you can share with each other, but that’s iffy at best.
You can even stalk each other! Of course, this means you’ll keep bumping into each other when you both turn a corner suddenly, or you’ll stand around staring intently at each other and nothing gets done that’s stalkable. But how many couples can say they’re that close?
Look on the bright side: You’ll be in the shower, and he can hand you a towel. From inside the shower. You’ll be climbing out of bed, and a hand reaches out from underneath and slides your slippers on your feet. You’ll reach into the fridge for the milk, and he’s inside, ready to hand you the carton.
This is a heartwarming aspect of a stalker marriage. Why DON’T stalkers marry each other? Is it because there’s no common ground? Get it? (Stalkers are very territorial.)
“This is MY tree. This is MY shrub.” These people already need counseling for Sharing and Trust issues.
4) Stalker husbands aren’t home for dinner. Like ever.
I imagine stalkers have jobs, too. Everyone has to try and fit work, hobbies, family, and victims in a schedule. It’s difficult and stressful.
You’ll very likely sit home every night, shaving your legs with the blinds open, wondering where he is. Is he out ‘seeing’ other women?
When he finally comes home, bruised and bloody, he refuses to tell you why he’s bleeding from multiple scratches, and then describes what some blonde made for dinner for HER hubby.
5) On a positive note, stalker husbands won’t know or care if you’re cheating.
My hubby was talking about taking a vacation. I reminded him he never takes a vacation. He said he couldn’t take a vacation.
I told him, “Fine. I’ll go away with my stalker. He always makes time for me.”
If you’re married to a stalker, and you’re fed up with him being gone all the time , you’ll be free to find another man with whom to fool around. On the up side, your stalker husband won’t know about it.
Unless you happen to cross paths while you’re both out.