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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Internet Stuff

My Big Sur Seven Million Dollar House

I have been shopping for my Big Sur seven million dollar house and doing my due diligence. For instance, to be sure that a seven million dollar house is the house for you, you will want to drive by it on weekends and at night to make sure neighborhood kids don’t make a lot of noise and throw trash in your yard on the way home from school.

Rich kids probably don’t go to school. No doubt they have special dispensation to not have to learn to read or write. Why would you have to read and write if you’re rich?

A few weeks ago, in a moment of low key defiance, I subscribed to a realtor’s email notification of available houses in Big Sur. “Maybe I’ll find a cozy cottage in the trees overlooking the ocean for under a 100k,” thought I.

I subscribed mainly to see if they’d send me listings. I thought it’d be like trying to buy a new car and they’d want to check my bank account. The joke would be on them, thought I. There’s not nearly enough in my checking account to buy a seven million dollar house.

But no, apparently, it’s okay to traipse virtually through rich people’s houses and no one will put you in jail for it.

my big sur home on chezgigi.com

This one just sold. Dang. Now I have to move out.

Owners of seven million dollar, or even four million dollar Big Sur houses, do not care who sees the inside of their homes.

There’s never a single personal item in view in these pictures, just peaceful and pleasant perfection in every room. If I look at a picture taken inside our house, in any room, from any angle, there will be a clutter of stuff on view, even though my house is fairly neat.

There’ll be a pair of shoes somewhere, books and magazines lying around, maybe a coffee cup or a plate with the remains of a meal sitting on the side table. In the kitchen is a blender and a coffee pot, dishes in the dish rack, dog dishes on the floor, a few weights at the end of the room.

The list goes on forever of “stuff” in view in my house that takes away from the overall effect of being a seven million dollar house.

Here’s an interior picture of a house in Modoc County from our budget bracket:

3808 County Road 55 Pencil Rd, Alturas, CA 96101

Stuff, stuff, stuff. There are even boots sitting over there to the right on a table next to the chairs. What’s that about?

For contrast, here’s a kitchen from a house that is not in our budget, being as how it’s seven million dollars. Look at the refrigerators in both kitchens. They look pretty similar, which is kind of heartwarming, although the bottom fridge is probably full of $200 bottles of wine.

I don’t know if there are a bunch of magnets and pictures on the hidden side of this fridge, but I’d be willing to place book on it being an empty space:

my big sur house on chezgigi.com

Look at the free space on that fridge!

Whereas, in pictures, and in real life, if you get right down to it, everyone can see the mess we put on our fridge, affixed with all my collected magnets saying things like, “Forgive me, for I have zinned,” and a picture of a wine bottle.

Or a woman from the 50s pouring coffee for a friend, and confiding, “I never met a man I couldn’t blame.”

At least I put up Shakespeare quote magnets. I have real class.

I have a feeling rich people don’t own stuff. They just throw things away and buy new every day.

The realtor sends me Big Sur listings once a week. I go tra la la-ing through rich people’s houses, trying to decide which one I like the best. Which mansion should I buy? Which view of the ocean is best? Which one has the best kitchen, baths, five bedrooms, or the most windows?

The one below would win hands down for windows. Look at all the pictures of this place and when you see the road to it, imagine forgetting eggs, bread, and butter before going home.

Or forgetting anything for that matter. Then try to imagine having two small kidsIt would kind of negate the purpose of the windows, having millions of tiny fingerprints on them:

The way kids run full tilt at things like windows and cliffs, I would just keep them away until they reach 18.  Even if you decided to ruin your perfect Big Sur life by having kids, I still can’t imagine selling this house. Why on earth would you?

I’d just have stuff delivered by drone and never leave it. They’ll find me in one of those lounge chairs looking out over the ocean, thirty years from now, a skeleton enjoying the view.

True to my station in life, the first things I think of when I look at a seven million dollar house are: A) How hard would it be to keep this place clean? B) Can I bring the groceries in from the car? C) How many windows does it have and how high up are they, because I know I’ll be the one who notices they need Windex-ing?

This is known as “window shopping,” in more ways than one.

Related image

This one has a tad too many stairs and the windows are pretty high. You’d think there was a view or something, with all these windows.

Never does it cross my mind that my Big Sur house will require weekly payments of $10,000 in taxes, and that the mortgage will be $20,000 a month at the very least, depending on my down payment, of course. I figure I can get one million people to chip in so we can all own this house, or one like it. We’ll take turns going there. The neighbors are gonna love that.

The amount I allotted for taxes may be a conservative estimate. One of these days, Ima call that realtor and find out the answer to the tax question.

Once I find out, I’ll know just how long I can bunk in one before the state comes to take it away. I’ll hide in the trees and come back until it sells.

Whenever they come with a potential buyer to show the house, I’ll egg the windows and scare them away at the thought of a pterodactyl that haunts the Big Sur mountains and can’t keep her eggs inside.

There’s plenty of windows for this nefarious plan.

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Vincine A Fallica

    Hi Gigi,
    Boy! Housing’s expensive out there in CA. Seven million dollars just ain’t what it used to be. Try looking in Inferno, CA. I hear there might be some fire sales there (too soon?) Or you could come up here to the Adirondacks. I’m looking to go in with some people on this place. It’s only $5,750,000, but it has 14 bedrooms and at one each, we’d only have to chip in $411,000 apiece. Plus it’s on twelve acres. I figure we probably get it for $5 mills even. Wanna go in with me?
    Vini

    https://www.gillisrealty.com/listing/163237/19-heron-lane-paul-smiths-ny/

    • It may be too soon for fire sale jokes, but I will allow it.

      As for the Adirondacks, or the Addies, I have never been there. I am sure they are beyond breathtaking, but are they similar in any way to Big Sur? Do they even ASPIRE to be like Big Sur? I think you should bring your people out to BS and we all buy there, if only to make me happy.

      I do not have 400k, though, and that’s why I was thinking a million people at a few bucks each would buy us something nice. The one I like has 20 acres, so they can camp out and you and I will use the hot tub.

      I found the link to your listing and I am almost convinced. However, your house will not be like this year round. The Big Sur house will be. Also, see what I mean about peaceful perfection in a rich person’s house? Where do they lay their purses or kick off their shoes, or put the book they’re reading, or their mail, leashes, dog brushes, dishes, etc etc etc?

      It’s a mystery.

  2. Wolfman

    AAAHHH , Beautiful Dreamer that you are.
    I can’t make the multiple million dollar home at Big Sur.
    However I can offer the lovely cottage in Modoc county , that will be private,secure and all ours. This will be coming soon to our Fairy tale Dreams.

    • Yes! Can’t wait for that and to walk again so I can enjoy it. Or we’ll get me a horse and he can do the walking.

  3. mike van horn

    Gigi, did any of the real estate flyers mention that the only road into Big Sur from the north was washed out by a winter storm a year and a half ago? There was no way in or out except over a hiking trail, a really long drive around the south end, or helicopter. They just got this highway repaired this year. Until the next storm.
    Modoc may not be all that bad–the climate is definitely not as hot as Las Vegas. I think some poor schmucks commute into San Francisco from there, since that’s the only real estate they can afford.

    • What? That’s like a three or four hour DRIVE! At least. Wow. Well, it’s definitely in our bracket. And with acreage! There are some nice properties there, but I don’t want people from SFO messing it up and driving up prices before we get there. Tch.

      I think I’d heard that about Big Sur. That would have meant all of Hwy 101, wouldn’t it? Well, we’ll commute there by helicopter. People can chip in for that, too.

      • mike van horn

        Hwy 1, not 101.
        If you can afford a $7 mil house, what’s a helicopter to you?

        • I always get the two confused, because they merge at one point, don’t they? And, exactly. BUT, I never said I COULD afford a seven million dollar house. That’s the point. I gotta get a million other people to go in on it with me. :))

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