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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

Dude, Your Mom Is Stoned: Marijuana Is Now Respectable, The Neighbors Said So

If someone told my son, “Dude, your mom is stoned,” he might be somewhat confused.  Not the person saying it, but my son.

I was never much of a hippie or a drug person. In fact, I’ve written about getting drugs just by saying “No” to your doctor. Doctors consider a naysayer a challenge, and they will push scrips on this person faster than a car salesman adds ‘rust proofing’ to the underside of a new car and charges an extra 2k for it.

However, Nevada has made Mary Jane legal for recreational and medicinal use, so we can now go to a boutique store without a ‘medical card’ and order up all number of fun things. Treats to eat, baggies of weed, vape pipes.

I did my due diligence on the whole shebang and wanted to try the benefits of pot for pain. I didn’t want to take the pills anymore that tear up your insides like a kid tears the wrapping paper on a present.

I called a store after perusing its website. I originally wanted the Gummi worms. Who wouldn’t want to eat marijuana-laced Gummi worms? And after checking the prices for all the marijuana options, I couldn’t imagine anyone just giving it away to a trick or treater. That was one of the arguments against legalizing it.

Please. Many voters are old enough to remember Reefer Madness and we’re not falling for the scare tactics again, people.

Image result for my mom is stoned

Reefer Madness looks strange in these little pictures.

The young woman I spoke to (can we call them baristas, a la Starbucks?) recommended a vape with no psychoactive ingredient, something she uses herself for migraines. I wanted that, because I already do my share of sitting around, and didn’t want to ingest anything that encouraged more of it.

I also do my share of staring into space thinking of weird and funny things, and weed might make this easier. Except I wouldn’t be able to write down my thoughts and make sense of them later. I did pet a small shrub once, and say “Nice, kitty,” after drinking one and a half margaritas, and I still remember that. So does my family, unfortunately.

So I sent the MOTH (man of the house) down to buy me a vape thingy with no getting high stuff in it. What does he bring me? One with half and half. I took five tokes on it and immediately after ate three avocados that were in the fruit basket in the kitchen. Man, they tasted good. The best avocados I ever ate.

I’m not sure what benefit I’ve gotten for pain from my little pipe, but it does help me fall asleep. I get nice and groggy, not an unusual situation either, and fall asleep within minutes. I like that. It’s better than taking cough syrup, which really makes me feel like a drug addict.

The whole thing feels really strange. I spent my parenting years telling my son not to do drugs or drink, and now that he’s grown, that’s what I’m doing, and right in front of the family.

But I know it’s all good, because the other day there was an afternoon show across the street involving our loud neighbors and their landlord–our former neighbor. There were crowds of people over there in front of the house. Watching the traffic go in and out over there can make you feel stoned without weed. That house is packed. I watch them and try to place everyone: “Okay, that’s the lady that comes over and babysits. That’s one of the sons. That one…well, that one might be their chiropodist. How many is that? Twenty, so far?”

The landlord had brought over two guys who appeared to be construction contractors. He got raided by the sheriff a month ago for an illegal apartment in the house. That’s what law enforcement does now. Forget the pot, we got illegal apartments to bust into.

The twenty something sons, some other guy and his girlfriend, another young woman who came from around the side of the house, were all outside yelling that pot was legal. A cop had showed up too, and was trying to referee the whole mess.

I don’t know what pot had to do with anything, I was focused on the fact that the girlfriend (who claimed to “know people” and said she worked with lawyers) was saying that she had a “perfect right to visit there” and that the landlord was to blame for their bedbugs.

How this is possible, unless the landlord regularly transports bedbugs there in matchboxes and sets them free in his own house, I don’t know. And if she’s “just visiting,” how does she know for sure about the bedbugs? Maybe she’s bringing them in. Maybe the bedbugs are stoned.

At any rate, my dream of a sleepover at their house was dashed.

What I do know is that it was really fun watching it all from behind the fluttering curtain while smoking a vape pen full of psychoactive drugs, and hissing at the dogs next door to “Shut up, already!”  I was trying to hear and that dog was seriously interfering with my snooping.

Snoopy neighbor ladies have changed a lot from the Peyton Place days, huh?

Dude, your mom is stoned, on chezgigi.com

Tch. Look at that. I wonder what’s going on? And where did she get that dress?

 

 

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35 Comments

  1. Will Jennings

    Nice tease! Now, what’s the rest of story? Did the apt get torn down? Did anyone go to jail? What happened to the bed bugs? I can’t see from here..*cough, cough*( Sorry, vaping makes me cough, and I can’t see through all the smoke.)

    Nevermind. I really don’t care now. *cough* Who has chips?

    • Vaping doesn’t have smoke, dude! Tch. It’s just a vapor. Get with the times, buddy.

      Anyhoo, the landlord is in foreclosure! He’s $3500 in arrears. I heard that from one of the twits. Not the ones on Quora, but the ones who live across the street. The mom came home and she marches in and starts swearing at Rico, the landlord.

      I couldn’t blame her; there’s always a problem. They often cause the problem, but try telling them that. She’s yelling at her grown son to get back behind the gate that separates the carport from the driveway, where they all seem to hang out every day–smoking pot, prolly. She tells him, “Get back there. When you pay some of the bills, you can open your mouth.”

      I don’t know what happened to the bedbugs. I heard them say they were going to visit Alamabama. They packed their tiny duds and left town.

      As for the apartment, I think Rico had to pay the tenant back all the money and not rent it out anymore. He’s probably going to either get it permitted or just tear it out. I think his tenants turned him in, because they’re always yelling that the rent is too damn high (why’d they rent the house, then?), and Rico thinks his neighbors did it. He’s been turning us and the other neighbors in for one thing or another. Dweeb. Don’s house in the back is under scrutiny now, because of him. Don has to apply for permits, etc. He’d had the city come and make sure it was all good when he put in an electric meter for that house twenty years ago. Sigh. Also, the city is talking about setbacks, and I reminded Don that the city said we ‘own the easement and therefore had to clean it ourselves.

      So there’s their setback. *makes an obscene gesture toward downtown*

      How are you, Jennings?

  2. Nelson Mary

    A stoned Gigi? Is the world ready for this?
    Actually I hope it helps you. California just legalized pot, too. I was thinking brownies. Hehe.
    You keep having way too much fun with the neighbors! Hope it calms down soon.

    • The world is NOT ready! I would like to try brownies, too. We had a friend who was making those here, a few years back. It drives up Don’s BP. As for me, I didn’t have the same pain back then, so they just made me silly.

      The neighbors at least are entertaining, now and then. And I heard the mom say she’d had it and was going to move. Promises, promises.

      • Nelson Mary

        I will try the stuff that shouldn’t make you high. I hate the pain pills and can’t take the NSAIDs anymore. My stomach objects. We shall see.
        With any luck the foreclosure will happen across the street and the bank will evict the whole group.

        • Wouldn’t that be nice. But then, I always worry the next neighbors will be even worse. Talk about borrowing trouble, huh? Our poor street has had some trouble this past year. Tch.

          Yes, try that stuff. Try out the vape pen. No muss, no fuss. I keep it in its little box. I’m not sure how well it handles pain, but I would like the no high vape and try again. The pills really tear you up. I don’t know where your pain is, but the trigger points really help me, too.

          • Nelson Mary

            Well since the last surgery actually fixed my hand (actual surprise, I didn’t believe it would stop hurting!) mostly we got a knee. In the circle of hell known as “you have to wait until it gets worse”. And back. Backs just quit at some point. So a little vaping is likely a good idea. We shall see.
            And I was always the sober one at parties!

          • Me, too. Never saw the point of getting plastered and feeling like hell afterward. Not that I didn’t drink a little, but I always wore it off dancing. You should check into the trigger points, Mary. They aren’t perfect pain killers, but they help a lot.

          • Nelson Mary

            Yep. A little booze here and there,?I know how I’ll react!
            I will check on trigger points,” help a lot” are great words.

          • Yep. They don’t do me 100 percent, but accompanied by exercise, they do help. I’m looking forward to my Medicare kicking in in March. I can find different, and maybe better doctors.

          • Nelson Mary

            Yep. Most doctors accept Medicare and you don’t need referrals. You have signed up already, right?!

          • I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I answered the form they sent me. Isn’t that all I have to do? I opted for the Plan D or whatever it is.

          • Nelson Mary

            Oh boy. Got a local senior center? See if they have people to help. Sometimes your pharmacy has someone who can walk you through. Medicare supplement plans are really important, but take some sorting out. Do you have USAA auto or home insurance? They have a good supplement plan and very helpful people. This is a pain in the neck but important.
            Even if you don’t have USAA now you are eligible, I’d call them. They held our hand nicely.

          • REALLY? I’ve had USAA for 35 years! They know how old I am. They should have mentioned this to me. Tch. I might have a little talk with them about their dearth of information. Thanks, Mary! Calling them tomorrow!

  3. Terry

    I allowed myself some humor time tonight and laughed at this. I love people who are funny stoned or unstoned, those folks for whom there is hardly a perceptible difference.

    ‘Twould appear you qualify, madame.

    • Terry! So glad you gave yourself a break. You need it, girl. I worry about you. Let’s get stoned together sometime. We don’t even need to hide in the girl’s bathroom! Just finished listening to ‘Old Man Time’ sung by Louis and Jimmy. Words to live by! And thank you, Cohen!

  4. Patti Atkins

    Gigi, I love ya’!

  5. Wolf Man

    Oh GiGi, You are such a blessing. You always see the humor in a situation.
    It does my heart great good to see that you have so many Friends that Love you too.
    I Love and Cherish You. Just keep being you and thanks for sharing.

  6. Will Jennings

    You probably signed up for A and B. The Part B premium will be deducted from your monthly check. Part D is drug coverage written by approved insurance companies; and the premiums vary depending on the drug formularies of each company. You really need to research several companies.
    Equally important is Part C coverage. This picks up what A & B don’t pay. Each coverage has deductibles and copays (especially for C and D policies). You need to shop both with the companies that write in Nevada. Obviously, you can’t shop around for A & B coverage; it is what it is. Now is the time to start shopping.

    • I don’t understand any of it! All I’ve heard is that many doctors don’t accept the one that’s an HMO. I just want straight Medicare. I hate this.

      I’ll see if there’s anyone I can sit down with and figure it all out. Someone who isn’t selling anything. And why do I have to pay anything out of my stipend? Aaaggghhh!

      • Will Jennings

        If all you want is straight Medicare, you can refuse Part B. Dangerous! That will only pay for 80% of hospital stays. No doctor visits.

        If you want outpatient services at 80% (like x-rays, etc.), and 80% of doctor visits paid you will need Part B. No HMOs are involved. The docs and labs just need to accept Medicare. There is a monthly premium deducted from your check for Part B. But there is no premium for Part A.

        • I think I signed up for that. Another friend recommended United Healthcare or something. Oy vay. He also told me that Medicare is not good at helping people with these things. Why should they be? They only work for it!

          Hey, does Medicare cover cosmetic surgery? Facelifts and stuff? :))

  7. Will Jennings

    Mary has excellent suggestions! Listen to her. Part C and D are minefields. Get some help.

    • I will. I’ll call USAA tomorrow. Why do we have to deal with so many minefields at this stage of life? Why?

      • Mary Nelson

        No one is allowed to just plop their bottom on a porch and relax. We have to keep our mind active! Humph.
        Yes, USAA was very helpful. You want a supplement and possibly a drug plan (not the fun kind, the doctor insists kind). They can help you sort that , too!
        I think this is punishment for daring to get old.
        Good luck!

        • Humph is right. My mom always wanted to know ‘what was so golden about the golden years?’ I say, ‘Getting old is not for the faint of heart.’ Punishment, indeed. I should say, “Getting older is not for the young and inexperienced.” Snort.

  8. Kat

    Needless to say, I love this post. Another reason to come and visit you 🙂
    Don’t fear, I never get the munchies.

    • Yay! We will have fun, gurl. We’ll go out for karaoke! Hey, I almost got to meet Stan. He was going to call me to meet for coffee while he was here for a day or two, but I guess he got too busy or rushed.

  9. Ranne

    As usual, I applaud your brilliant wit, Gigi. Getting drugs by just saying ”no” to your dr. He he. Mine tried pushing statins on me when my cholesterol read higher than average and I told him no since I had read and heard a great deal about the contraindications and that it is just a huge gold pot for big pharma. He retorted “Then don`t blame me if you get a stroke!” (His comment is what makes my story not a non sequitur). That was 18 months ago. Now I am in, for the first time, hypertension and a blood test tomorrow that, hopefully, will show very good cholesterol levels thanks to my one year vege-fisharian no fun things diet. If not, I hope he has forgotten my statin tantrum.

    As to your vape “thingy” with half and half – would that I could exchange that for my sleeping pills! Much more fun, I am sure – especially while watching neighbors – although mine are behind high walls. I CAN hear, however – but must bone up on my Spanish – a lot. And I already scarf too many avocados, so have to be careful there.

    • To be fair to my vape pen, that only happened the first time. Maybe because we had no more avocados. Snort.

      You have high BP? I don’t know if my work outs keep mine down to normal and below normal levels, but it’s never gotten high. Just a suggestion, dear R. Never let it be said I’m preaching! Last year was a bad year for being sick. I went through several episodes of not feeling well, and I’m starting to wonder about my trigger points. They have steroids in them, and they might be suppressing my immune system. I’m going to talk to the doc about it. Had two weeks of a bronchial flu last month. Don and I were pretty sick. I haven’t been sick like that in years and years. But we are getting older. Sigh.

      I asked my doc what was the point of taking care of my health if I was going to get sick anyway. And he said it gave me a reserve. I guess he’s right.

      The pen is much better for sleeping. You don’t wake up feeling groggy from the effects. It only takes two puffs to make me feel ready to sleep.

      I don’t think your doctor was very professional. Tch. What if you used the statin and then had one anyway? What would he say then? Please don’t have a stroke, though. We still haven’t met! Were your holidays good? I was sick over the entire thing.

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