Emigration: What’s to stop you from leaving the USA if you’re fed up, ticked off, and ready for a country where you’ll be welcomed with open arms and forever safe? Safe from loss of employment, safe from racism and bigotry, safe from crime? But Mars isn’t open for business yet?

Well, I’ll tell you. It’s pretty simple and can be summed up in three words: Immigration policies.

I hate to rain on anyone’s parade (Who am I kidding? Like 99% of the population, I thrive on it, at least on my blog), but it isn’t easy to emigrate anywhere, because almost every government on earth is what parents are supposed to be: Disapproving, fact checking, and insistent on independence.

Recently, with all the news about black people and the issues surrounding them, I’ve been reading about disenchanted black folk who are emigrating to parts east of the USA, such as Trinidad and Tabasco (a very spicy country), Ghana, Morocco, and Europe. There was an overload of vitriol from the twits on Twitter and in Medium comments, especially in July, on the Fourth. I had to take baking soda just to wade through the acid.

They feel safer in these other countries, they say, where they’re free from racism and unhappiness, where they have free medical care–yippee!–and where there are unicorns, bunnies, and rainbows everywhere.

Intrigued, I began to research the places they were emigrating to. I thought to myself, “Self, maybe I should move to these places, too!” I’ve got FOMO, even if I never intend to leave the country of my birth except to visit. I have to know. 

Canadians, Brits, and other Europeans are always bragging about how much better they have it than we do, even if their only knowledge of us is what they see on reality television. Like Long Island Medium, or Friends. Typical Americans in those shows, without a doubt.

Ergo, I set out to see how great it was in these braggable places. Trinidad has beaches, after all, and if prices are good, you never know. So I checked out real estate prices, which are so-so at best. They are pretty high along the coast, which shouldn’t be a surprise. That’s a clue right there that any black people emigrating there, or anywhere else, have the bucks to do it, and most likely a business they can export with them.

Since coastal property is the only real estate I would be interested in, I moved on to checking out the immigration policy of T and T.  I read the general news first to see if there was peace and quiet there. No, there were violent protests over the shootings of three men by cops. It was old home week in Trinidad and Tobago. I doubt the reasons for the protests and shootings could be blamed on racism, since there aren’t any white people on view except maybe at the resorts. No doubt “they” will blame it on that old bugaboo, Colonialism.

Here is an excerpt from the enlightened and compassionate immigration policy of Trinidad and Tobago where people will be so much better off than in the US:

“8. … (2), entry into Trinidad and Tobago of the persons described in this subsection…is prohibited, namely-Prohibited classes:

(a) persons who are idiots (really, that’s what it says, which lets most of us out), imbeciles, feeble-minded persons (again, we’re out), persons suffering from dementia and insane persons, and who are likely to be a charge on public funds; (b) persons afflicted with any infectious…disease;(c)persons who are dumb, blind or otherwise physically defective, or physically handicapped, which might endanger their ability to earn a livelihood, or render them likely to become charges on public funds;(d) persons who have been convicted of or admit having committed any crime, which if committed in Trinidad and Tobago would be punishable with imprisonment for one or more years;(e) prostitutes, homosexuals…., or persons reasonably suspected as coming to Trinidad and Tobago for these or any other immoral purposes;…. (Wow. Our gay people are gonna be ticked.) (g) habitual beggars or vagrants; ….(i) persons who are chronic alcoholics; (j) persons who are addicted to the use of any drug; (k) persons who are engaged or at any time have been engaged or are suspected on reasonable grounds of being likely to engage in any unlawful giving, using, inducing other persons to use, distributing, selling, offering or exposing for sale, buying, trading or trafficking in any drug; (l) persons who are or have been at any time before or after the commencement of this Act advocates of the overthrow by force or violence of the government, etc.” (In other words, dissenters, protestors, rioters, and all Twits on Twitter.)

Gee, if we said any of these things in our immigration policy, we’d be shunned.

At least we try. We put a big woman wearing a robe out at the mouth of New York harbor holding an unprotected flame near old buildings and a plaque that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your binge watchers, your over-eaters, your underachievers, your restless gamers, your whiners and complainers….” Etc. She welcomes them all. The ones who are already here would like to blow her butt right out of the water. She’s way too complacent for them.

So, the people who are leaving are the ones we should want to stay. As usual, we have it bassackwards.

Well, thought I, perhaps I’m being unfair. It’s possible T and T is an anomaly. They’re small and they have to be careful with their population. Who needs more nudniks when you have plenty of your own?

So, I checked out Ghana. I’m positive that unless aliens landed in the US with a mysterious manual titled, To Serve Man, I will never move to Africa, even though it has beaches, too. All the way around it, as far as I can tell. I’ve been there and wrote about it.

Ghana has too many people on its beaches, judging from the pictures on Google. Plus it has dirt roads. And not a particularly rosy reputation for cheats and con men on the streets of Accra. But everyone looks happy, and I suppose that’s what counts.

Here is what their immigration policy states:

We have shortly hinted at the immigration policy of the country in our article on working in Ghana. Foreigners are only allowed to take up employment in Ghana within an authorized immigrant quota which regulates the number of non-Ghanaians which may be employed by an enterprise. It is not unheard of that a company may only hire one single foreigner, making job opportunities for expats somewhat scarcer than in other African countries.

Did you see my emphasis there? To work, you gotta be a Ghanaian, which is at least a cool word.

Here are just a few of the things putative ex-pats will need:

1. Application letter on company’s letterhead
2. Business Registration Documents – certificate of incorporation, certificate of commencement of business, company regulations, form 3&4
3. Tax Clearance Certificate (for existing companies)
4. Letter of employment / Contract
5. Ghana Investment Promotion Centre (GIPC) Certificate (If registered)
6. Letter of support from Ministry, Department or Agency….
7. Curriculum Vitae / Resume
8. Police Clearance Certificate from employee’s country of origin or current residence
9. Educational and Professional Certificates
10. Passport & residence permit copy of employer
11. Medical Report – To be done at the Ghana Immigration Service, Accra…

These permits aren’t cheap, either.

So, even Ghana has standards. Like ex-pats who threaten to flee the US every time a president they don’t like is elected, you need money to move there. Lots of it, and if you don’t intend to work in your new country, you will need a marketable skill, or business, and a squeaky clean life. Quel surprise.

Then a Twit mentioned Morocco. “The US sucks and kills all black people!” he proclaimed. “I live in Morocco!”

I checked out Morocco. Here is an excerpt of what they require:

For a business visa, you will require the documents listed above, plus a copy of the invitation letter issued by the company you are planning to visit in Morocco, or a copy of your employment contract if you are planning on starting a new job there.

Requirements for obtaining a visa may differ slightly based on your nationality. 

After moving to Morocco, you will need to obtain a residence permit (carte de séjour) if you are planning on staying for longer than 90 days. You can obtain this permit from the immigration authorities (Bureau des Étrangers) at the central police station in your district. Navigating Moroccan bureaucracy can be a slow and nerve-wracking process, which requires patience and persistence, so you should apply as soon as possible after moving to Morocco.

…In addition to your entry stamp, you will need the following items in order to apply for your residence permit:

• two completed application forms (available at the immigration office)
• ten passport photos (with your face taking up three-quarters of the photo)
• a work permit (attestation de travail)
  
• a criminal record check from your previous home country, which can take up to 40 days to process. (My, my. All this insistence on not being a criminal, is criminal.)
  
• a statement from your Moroccan bank as proof of your local bank balance
• a medical certificate completed by a local doctor, certifying that you have no contagious diseases (Is being a douche who insists their home country is horrible and wants to tear the whole thing down, considered infectious?)
  

If people hate living in a Christian country, or don’t believe in the mating of Church and State, what makes them think living in Morocco will be aces? It’s 90% Muslim and their laws apply. I wouldn’t try wearing short shorts, or pants that fall down under your butt, there.

Let’s check out some Muslim laws and traditions, shall we?

Morocco is a Muslim country which follows Islamic laws and customs. Be aware of your actions to ensure they don’t offend (we wouldn’t want to offend anyone but our Fellow Americans, now would we?), especially during the holy month of Ramadan or if you intend to visit religious areas. You should respect local traditions, customs, laws and religions at all times. (I know, you’ve never had any practice at this, but you’ll have to learn or die.)

Avoid public displays of affection, particularly outside the main tourist areas and near religious places.

Sexual relations outside marriage are punishable by law. It’s not uncommon for hotels to ask couples to show evidence of marriage at the time of check-in, and if such evidence is not available, to insist on separate rooms. (This could lead to a pretty funny Blake Edwards comedy, starring Peter Sellers, of course, with lots of sneaking into hotel rooms.)

Homosexuality is a criminal offence in Morocco. (Oh, dear. What was that about the west being so awful, again?)Be sensitive to local laws and customs and avoid public displays of affection. Complaints can lead to prosecution. (Ah. At last, here is something that is right up a Twit on Twitter’s alley.)

Women, especially when traveling alone, may receive unwanted attention from men. To minimize hassle, you may choose to wear loose-fitting clothing which cover the arms, legs and chest.

To prove I wasn’t biased in my research, I compared these immigration policies with Germany’s. Just to see if it’s any easier to move to Mein Mutterland. (Where genocide was NEVER practiced, according to one German acquaintance.) And don’t correct my German. It’s been 40 years since I studied it. I gave it up when I had to learn single words that took up an entire paragraph.

Here is a short list of Germany’s requirements:

.…applicants must prove that they are able to finance themselves in Germany. (Uh-oh!) Even if you will be working in Germany, you must have the initial funds to cover your expenses until you get your salary. (How long is that going to take? Can I afford a bratwurst and a place to crash meantime?)

….You will not be able to immigrate to Germany without a valid health insurance coverage. (Whaaaat? But, but, I thought Germany would be HAPPY to take my temperature!) The recommended way is to get German health insurance, since you cannot be sure whether German authorities will accept foreign health insurance.

Have at least basic proficiency in German. To be able to live in Germany, you will need to know German. The Common European Framework of Reference for Languages has three levels of language proficiency, A, B and C. Each one has two parts. So the language proficiency is divided in A1/A2 or basic, B1/B2 or proficient in the language, and C1/C2 or advanced language skills. To be allowed to immigrate in Germany, you will need to enter the exams and pass them up to either A1 or B1. If you want to get a permanent residence, you will need a higher proficiency of C1 or C2.

And if you’ve ever studied German, it’s not exactly a romance language. Good luck with that. Imagine if we required fluency in English before someone gets to live, work, and play here.

Black people who tout the wonders of changing living quarters don’t see the irony of having to be successful, independent, and of “good” character before they can even think of moving. Neither do any of the white twits, for that matter.

This all leaves me with a feeling that we need to be more like the rest of the world.

Hey, #fuckthefourth Twits! This is for you all! Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

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