The other day I attended a FOMO Twelve Step Program meeting because I wanted to see what I was missing. You’ll regret it until the day you die if you don’t go to one. FOMO-philes sing songs at these meetings, and share stories of their addiction to the Fear of Missing Out.

The stories you’ll hear are harrowing, but true.

“Jenny went to the Bahamas for her vacation. I’m just going to Arizona. I must be doing something wrong.”

“Bill never invites me to his barbecues, even though I always have plans when he has one. It makes me wonder whether I shouldn’t cancel my annual visits to my mother.”

Like most modern diseases, FOMO symptoms are vague but life threatening, particularly to the FOMO-phile at the hands of their friends. They include things like: Incessant whining, an addiction to shopping catalogs, never getting enough sleep, and spending their paycheck as soon as they get it.

If any of this sounds hauntingly familiar, see a doctor ASAP.  Do not cancel the appointment at the last minute because your friend from the office invited you to join her and some other people for a drink after work.

I really wanted to go to an AA meeting instead of a FOMO meeting, even though I don’t drink, because it was doughnut night, but I was fearful the FOMO-philes were having more fun. When I arrived, no one was there. Just a bunch of empty chairs. They did have music, wine, and cupcakes. Cupcakes are better than doughnuts, any ol’ day.

Apparently, someone had dropped the word during the meeting that there was a party down the street, and whup! They all trooped out, and drove away.

What does the person afflicted with FOMO fear missing out on? What are they doing right now that they can’t run out and experience whatever it is they think they’re missing out on? And why are they so set on ending a sentence with a preposition?

Is there really a Twelve Step Program for FOMO? And why does it have to be twelve steps? And why do they ask so many questions? What are they afraid of?

The FOMO Twelve Step Program has adopted the AA model. As you become familiar with the twelve steps, you will be more in control of your anxieties. Follow faithfully the instructions below to live a normal, decent life.  If you can’t do that even after completing all 12 steps, just take someone else’s house and car, spouse and kids, and you’ll be fine.

While you’re reading this, I’m gonna go see if my neighbor is doing something more fun. That would really tick me off.

1. We admitted we were powerless to stay off social media and read status updates of everyone’s vacations. Our lives had become unmanageable as we endlessly refused to take a shower.
2.  We came to believe that if we only had as much money as everyone else, we could be restored to sanity.
3. We made the decision to turn all of our worldly possessions over to God until we wanted them back.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and wondered how everyone else’s search was going. Were they more moral? Did they have more inventory?
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs, and wished that we could talk to that interesting person sitting over there talking to the person we don’t like. We wondered desperately what they were laughing at. What was so funny?
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove the source of our fear and strike that bee-yotch DOWN.
7. We humbly asked Him if He’d make sure we got invited to their party this Saturday.
8. We made a list of all the persons we’d harmed with our FOMO, and we became willing to make amends if they’d knock off the cliquishness and let us eat lunch with them.
9. We made direct forays for this purpose on these people by stalking them relentlessly in case they were doing something more fun. They never were.
10. We continued to take personal inventory to make sure we had as much stuff as that jerk who lives down the street–with the Corvette–and when we were wrong, we took his.
11.  We sought through whining and complaining to improve our conscious contact with all acquaintances as we understood their whereabouts, praying only that they wouldn’t block us, and pretending to be happy for their good fortune.
12. We had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and we tried to carry this message to FOMOphiles everywhere, which wasn’t easy because they were always on their way to somewhere else.  We tried to make them as scared as we were that they’ve been missing out on something.

We haven’t improved one iota, and probably wouldn’t even if you added another twelve steps. (We would like to see the other twelve steps though, if you’ve got them.)

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