I realize that if criminals have their own country it would be a controversial subject. After all, the law-abiding citizens of Planet Earth do not have their own countries, so why should criminals get one?
Oh, I guess you could say we do have our own countries, wherein someone makes laws they hope to keep hidden from the public, so that people will unknowingly break them and have to pay hefty fines, but in Criminal Country, Perp Patriots would have no such things. After all, they’re criminals. Why would they have laws?
Except that to be a criminal requires a law to be broken, so voila! I have solved a huge societal problem for this new country in One Fell Swoop.
(This phrase, along with Prurient Exudation, which my dentist recently taught me in the middle of a torture session, and which means pus, would be an awesome name for a rock group.)
The Krooked Kingdom would have one immigration requirement, that you will have committed at least one crime before becoming a Reprehensible Resident.
So, the things to figure out are, A) Would this country be run any better than our own is now? B) Maybe we could go live there?
And C, the Eddie Izzard Standard of Country-ness) Would it have a flag? And would this flag show a skull and crossbones, or has that been too played by pirates?
Giving criminals their own country occurred to me while I was watching a video clip show about dumb people. Sometimes these clips feature criminals who, no matter the obstacles, manage to keep committing crimes.
I don’t know if this law-breaking habit stems from ignorance of the law, whether they’re in the habit of breaking them, or whether they just really enjoy breaking laws, and never formed the habit of whittling, or collecting Cabbage Patch dolls.
Whatever the reason, these guys and gals are recidivists.
Watching them get arrested and sentenced for the fourth, tenth, twentieth time, was when I got the idea that criminals should just have their own country, already.
Spielberg has kind of thought of this with his Walking Dead show, but a lot of those people aren’t really criminals. Mainly, it’s the dead people who aren’t criminals; no one can accuse them of breaking any laws.
There are no more laws in this new world, so the Dead and the Still Living have to find a way to get along, mainly by the Still Living decapitating the Dead who are always hungry for flesh that isn’t recently dead, and is still on the hoof.
If I was a zombie, I’d develop a taste for other zombies, and get around the whole problem of people running away from me, or trying to decapitate me. It’s really hard to run fast when you are supposed to shamble, unless the director says you can.
So, we can’t really go by Spielberg’s vision of lawlessness.
Historically, I think the English thought of giving criminals their own country first. They named it Australia. Australia really never recovered from this; they say things like ‘Gidday’, and ‘mate’ and the men don’t like women much.
They like them enough to sleep with them now and then, but they don’t like hanging out with them.
Also, Australia established a government and laws, so unless we want to study their history in great detail, which we don’t, they don’t really count.
We could take a page from their book though, and arrange to have lots of sharks surrounding the new country, in order to finally take care of the Truly Obnoxious, who opened for Prurient Exudation in 1986.
If the TO try to leave, they get eaten, pure and simple.
If we insist on listening to people who don’t want to get rid of criminals permanently through the death penalty, and make them live on the streets instead, or in cells where they can get a college education and get themselves released, then we could send them somewhere where they would be free to break as many laws as they wanted.
There wouldn’t be any laws, and this may make criminals really cranky, but you can’t have everything. Those who get cranky could just start a religion and oppress their followers in a compound in Texas or Montana, places where criminals tried to go and start new countries, but failed.
Eventually, someone will yell that they are ‘in charge’ and start making rules, so the lawlessness only lasts until someone builds a church. We’ve seen this with Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon. He got to be married without all the responsibility, but that fun ended when the first church was built in town.
Why the residents of No Name City didn’t just pull down the church as fast as the Buzz Kills could build it, I don’t know.
They weren’t really criminals, that’s why. They were just gold diggers, and didn’t visualize what a church could mean to a town.
It means laws and rules, and taking the gold for themselves, that’s what. And no more being married to two men at once. That’s entirely too much fun for a woman. Only men are allowed that kind of leeway.
Not everyone fits a standard description of a criminal.
There are many people in history who were criminals until the laws were changed. For instance, it’s okay to sleep with a lot of women if you establish a religion first. If you just go about marrying a bunch of women in order to sleep with them, the Law becomes incensed, puts you in jail, and makes all your wives bail you out.
Conversely, if the women jumped into bed with these guys without getting ‘married’ first, it would have been alright with Johnny Law, but not if they charged the men a fee.
Sex gets really confusing in our country, but in Lawless Land, things would be different. For one thing, you wouldn’t be going to jail for doing any of these things.
Drinking is another example of rules and laws making criminals of people.
One man back in the last century decided it wasn’t okay to drink alcohol. This was before doctors told him that red wine was useful for a healthy heart. This man took away the Working Man’s beer and locked everybody up who had Fun With Beverages.
There was also high art and culture. Old ladies used to go around breaking penises off statues. Drinking and high art became sinful, so maybe all the sinners should have their own country.
Oh, wait. We already do.