Sitting is the new smoking they tell us, just like orange is the new black, or sardines are the new caviar.
I used to smoke a long time ago. I may still; I’m not sure. I am eating more fiber and broccoli, drinking eight glasses of water a day, taking all my supplements, getting seven to eight hours of sleep, meditating at least twenty minutes, lifting weights, stretching, doing cardio, keeping my brain sharp with games I really suck at, expressing gratitude, not lying to the government, connecting with someone every day, not bullying a seventh-grader, Keeping Up with friends and relatives, Being Good to Myself, and practicing Random Acts of Kindness.
Which, if you ask me is an oxymoron; if you have to practice it, how random can it be?
All of this doesn’t even include those self-exams, and making appointments for the wellness visits so dear to a doctor’s heart.
So, its always possible I still smoke, I just haven’t noticed, because there’s too much going on and I’m really busy with that stuff. Various pundits, who, according to the dictionary, are known as Gurus, so they must Know What They Are Talking About, besides knowing how to play that Ravi Shankar instrument, Have Done Studies and insist that Sitting Is the New Smoking. Unfortunately, they didn’t explain how to avoid run on sentences.
The dictionary further explains that Pundits can also be Experts. In that case, they probably don’t know squat about music.
I do my share of sitting, no doubt about it. I like to sit. After lying down and the occasional bout of standing, it’s my favorite thing to do.
However, I am perfectly willing to give up some of my sitting time and donate it to a third-world country. Except they may have a shortage of chairs, I’m not sure. In that case, I guess Squatting would be the New Smoking. After I have donated part of my fair share of sitting, I figure I have to compensate for the void left by not doing it, and that must be smoking.
According to the Huffington Post, whose writers get their information from a bunch of pundits all over the place, sitting increases your risk of of many things like cancer, including lung cancer, obesity, heart disease, high cholesterol, feeling stiff, depression, not remembering your own phone number, and concocting things like cakes made in little cups, instead of making enough for everyone.
The way I see it, smoking damages your health, but not as much as sitting. For instance, you don’t necessarily get fat while smoking, because you don’t eat while you’re doing it. You may not be depressed either, because you will be relegated to standing outside with other smokers and those people are usually more fun than non-smokers, probably because they don’t live as long, and don’t watch the news.
Since you also have to get up and go stand outside if you want to light up, you exercise more muscles than not smoking. You can also get some fresh air if the wind is right.
And if you are going to get lung cancer anyway, you might as well get it the old-fashioned way, the way Norman Rockwell intended, with a cigarette in your mouth, hanging out in a ’50s diner with other smokers.
So, stand up for your right not to sit.