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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

The Grabber Is Good: Superheros Take Note

The Grabber is good. It’s the best thing since sliced bread.

Sliced bread was the best thing since the zipper. It helped sell many toasters. Toasters didn’t even exist before sliced bread. Which goes to show. You can invent a thing for which there is no use and still be lauded as a visionary.

Zippers were the best thing since the invention of fire and fire was the best thing since the microwave oven. The microwave oven wouldn’t have existed if the inventor hadn’t wanted an easy and convenient way to reheat his coffee.

Which brings us to the Grabber.

I’ve been using a Grabber for a month now, since I had hip replacement surgery. If you bend over too soon to pick something up, you might pop a chrome hitch out of your leg. I’ve been bending over and picking things up since people have been dropping pennies, so I was concerned I’d forget and put nose to knees like I used to.

Tell me this doesn’t look like a new hip.

After surgery I was sent home with a packet of papers with pictures of things I couldn’t do for awhile. It had me so worried, I was afraid to raise an eyebrow for fear of setting off a ripple effect of muscles all the way down to my hip.

As it turns out, I’ve bent over to pick things up many times since the surgery. I do it the way they teach people to curtsy to the Queen. I put the operated leg behind me and then bend the other leg and bow to the fallen object while reaching toward the floor.

I should have been a mother except I don’t have eyes in the back of my head.

This morning I picked up three Nerds one at a time from the carpet with my Grabber. I don’t mean three computer geeks who just happened to have fallen at my feet, which would have been unusual to say the least.

Nerds are those teensy pieces of weird candy that are fun to eat now and then. Yes, I’m the one who was eating the Nerds and spilled a few on the floor. Picking up Nerds was like doing a delicate surgery in an operating theater, or working for Mission Impossible. They were mango chile flavor, which is weird in itself. Why do they combine two perfectly adequate flavors into one godawful one?

I can also pluck tiny pieces of thread and paper from the carpet, which I do regularly between vacuuming. My Grabber won’t pick up heavier items, so it is time to collect other Grabbers and Have a Go at them.

I’ve become such an expert with the Grabber, I’m ready to expand my repertoire. I’m thinking of auditioning a bunch of people for a Grabber Revue and touring the country with them. There will be the Rollator Derby– seniors dressed in sequins and pasties, kicking up a storm from their rollator seats. The Grabber Revue will be like a drill team. I might even teach them to pickpocket at Grand Central Station with them.

I wrote about a brighter future with assisted living devices once before. At the time I wrote it, I wasn’t aware how close my days with a grabber were. I can only hope I won’t end up at Final Destination Village trying to grab a slice of life on Bingo Night.

https://www.vivehealth.com/blogs/resources/best-reacher-grabber-tool-picker-upper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. Mary Ellen Byers

    Hip, hip, hooray! Staying tuned for your next installment of Gigi Shakes a non-Wicked Hip.

    • Haha! It will take awhile until my nervousness over popping it out of place goes away, Mary Ellen. But by the end of July I’ll be back in the pool and hoping I don’t rust….

  2. Will Jennings

    I got me one of them there Grabbers. And I still got my original hips.

    They are great to grab the cat when she be curled up asleep. Funny to watch her jump and yell and I get no claws stuck in my arm.

    • You bad! I do the same thing. All the dogs (there are three now) pile on the bed and I use the Grabber to pet them or grab a paw here and there.

  3. Wolfman/moth

    Evan as you heal from your surgery you do more than anyone else would. Like DR Klapper told you, you are stronger than you know. He said that he couldn’t imagine how you were able to tolerate the bone on bone grinding for so long.
    You are Heroic my Love, in many,many ways.

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