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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

10 Darn Good Reasons To Be A Hoarder

I wrote this post about hoarders once before. Then, all my posts got lost, and I came to a better understanding of our stingy, cluttered brothers and sisters.

Hoarding is overrated as a naughty thing to do. I’ve seen the shows about hoarders; messy people who can’t get their act together.

Maybe they’re not so messy.  Maybe they’re Planning Ahead.

hoarder on Chezgigi.com

I watch American Pickers, a show reputed to not be real, which features people who aren’t hoarders; they’re classified as Passionate Collectors Who Care About the Past.

In fact, I saw one episode wherein Mike Wolfe said that the rotted out place in a car that’d been sitting outside in the overgrown shrubbery for twenty years, was PATINA!

Yes, that’s what he said. Now doesn’t that make you feel better about never washing your car? I got patina, too, Mike.

The guys that own these mountains of garbage almost always have a long, gray beard and long, gray hair, or maybe they’re just old.

But they have two or more acres of land, fifteen outbuildings, and thirty seven old cars rotting in the bushes, and all of it is filled with other stuff they’ve been saving for fifty years.

What they almost never have- is a wife.

hoarders on chezgigi.com

What they do have are ten good reasons to be a hoarder:

1) A hoarder knows there will be a Zombie Apocalypse.

In the Zombie Apocalypse, hoarders are convinced they’ll make BIG money selling their neighbors- the ones who are still not undead- 1700 empty gallon ice cream containers, 82 broken fans and toasters, and 3 stray blender bottoms with no tops.

2) A hoarder never has to replace anything.

Refer to reason number 1. If a toaster breaks, they just reach into the nearest pile, and they might find one that works.

Hoarders go out to the curb on garbage pick up days and grab the old toaster or blender their neighbors have thrown out because they no longer work, and keep them for the day when they can sell them back to the same neighbor after the Zombie Apocalypse has begun.

There isn’t any bread to toast, but that’s neither here nor there.

3) A hoarder never has to clean.

What would be the point?

If they dust around three ceiling-high piles of newspapers and magazines, no one will notice. A visitor just sees the piles of magazines and newspapers, like the shortsighted bums they are.

4) When a hoarder does clean, they get kudos for it.

If a hoarder actually manages to clear out their home of three decades worth of pizza boxes and oil drums, it’s gonna show. They’ll get all kinds of credit for it, too.

Whereas, if I clean, it’s just an accepted part of life. Which is why I leave the dirty rags and cleansers out so that my family will know I cleaned.

5) A hoarder can always make extra money by having a yard sale.

Getting them to sell some stuff, instead of going to other people’s yard sales, is another story.

Promise them they can buy something at a yard sale the very next weekend, if they’ll only have  their own yard sale and sell just one pile. Just one.

6) You may be a hoarder, but at least you aren’t an alcoholic.

You may be many things, but no one can accuse you of that.

Of course, you’ve probably driven everyone else in your life to drink, but as long as they give you their empty bottles, it’s all good. Those things might come in handy.

7) Hoarders never misplace anything.

Seriously, how would it be possible?

8) People have always said, ‘You can’t have everything.’

Clearly, people have been lying. You can have everything, and you can even find a place to put it, even if it’s everywhere.

9) Hoarders can commit all kinds of crimes.

If they do, whose going to search through that stuff to find the evidence?

By  the time they find it, the body will have decomposed.  The police will have to sift through dead pets to find it, and that screws up their search for evidence of violence.

10) Hoarders never have to have guests.

Where would they sleep? And can we find the coffee, and a percolator that works?

8 Comments

  1. jackydror

    We’ve got a den like that – my husband has collected 40 years of tut and piled it in the garage. I have decided I am going to become a hoarder for once in my life. I am going to get hold of him by the scruff of the neck and pile him in the garage too, so help me!

    • gigi wolf

      He’ll grab your computer and erase your you know what account! Watch out!

  2. We have a family member who is a hoarder. He has a wife. We feel sorry for her. He calls all that crap “his treasures”. He cannot tell you why he is keeping it, or what his plans are for it. He has several outbuildings and rented spots full of total junk. His motto is “empty space is wasted space”. Ewww. It is quite uncomf there. We once had a yard sale with his stuff and he spent the money at a different yard sale. I will never let him see this post, cause he will see it as proof of his rightness 🙂

    • gigi wolf

      I did not even know someone would have a yard sale and then spend the money on other yard sale stuff when I wrote that! Although, my hubby’s sister would definitely do something like that.
      These guys on American Pickers are something else, and though some DO have wives, most do not. Sometimes it’s the women saving it all, too.

  3. Okay, great, thanks–now I’m going to feel justified in becoming a hoarder! My husband has worked hard with me to avoid turning into one…in fact, I’m nearly as spartan as he is, these days. But, after reading this that’s all changing! Kudos for cleaning? Yard sales? YES! Great post. I love your humor and your lists. 🙂

    • gigi wolf

      I’m a compulsive Giver Away of Stuff, but my naughty secret is that it sits in boxes waiting for the donation people to pick up, and for me to make sure I won’t change my mind before they get here. It’s a terrible burden.
      Thank you so much, Sarah. I want to keep coming to your blog, but I’ve been working on my book, and trying to keep up with everything else.
      Would you check out my Q and A on the red border of the home page? I have a question there about ex-pats, and I’d love you to answer it!
      Or ask one of your own, or answer any of the others. And leave a link to your blog, too.
      Happy Memorial Day Over There, Over There!

      • Happy Memorial Day to you, too!! 🙂 Hey, I must admit–I’d never heard of Quora until coming to your blog, and now I’m addicted. How have I missed this web site?? Anyway, I totally understand about working on your book and keeping up with everything else! I do my blog reading in occasional stretches when the baby finally naps long enough to leave me just a bit of spare time. 🙂 No pressure! As for the Q &A that’s a great question! I’ll definitely answer it soon, maybe even as a post. I just have to wait until I get a bit of time. Nice idea to have that, by the way!

        • gigi wolf

          Quora is fun, and you will probably stay our of trouble, which I can’t seem to do. Read my Quora post. Those admins are out of their minds.

          I’ve never used a word stronger than crud in anything, and the things that get by them are over the top. But I get time out for ‘dweeb.’ About a celebrity. Snort.

          I would love a guest post, and if you like the Q and A just look in the red border of the home page and you’ll see DQWA Questions. You can post a question, answer an existing one, whatever you like. I’d love it!

          I know what that’s like, Nap Time. I grabbed one whenever my son slept.

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