I wrote this post about hoarders once before. Then, all my posts got lost, and I came to a better understanding of our stingy, cluttered brothers and sisters.
Hoarding is overrated as a naughty thing to do. I’ve seen the shows about hoarders; messy people who can’t get their act together.
Maybe they’re not so messy. Maybe they’re Planning Ahead.
I used to watch American Pickers, a show that in my naivete I thought was real, and which features people who aren’t hoarders. They own a ton of junk, though. They have acres of land full of old cars and tractors and sheds. They’re classified as Passionate Collectors Who Care About the Past.
I saw one episode wherein the host, Mike Wolfe, said that the rotted out place in a car that’d been sitting outside in the overgrown shrubbery for twenty years, was PATINA! Yes, that’s what he said. Now doesn’t that make you feel better about never washing your car? I got patina, too, Mike.
The guys that own these mountains of garbage almost always have a long, gray beard and long, gray hair, or maybe they’re just old.
But they have two or more acres of land, fifteen outbuildings, and thirty seven old cars rotting in the bushes, and all of it is filled with other stuff they’ve been saving for fifty years.
What they almost never have? Is a wife.
What they do have are ten good reasons to be a hoarder:
1) A hoarder knows there will be a Zombie Apocalypse.
In the Zombie Apocalypse, hoarders are convinced they’ll make BIG money selling their neighbors- the ones who are still not undead- 1700 empty gallon ice cream containers, 82 broken fans and toasters, and 3 stray blender bottoms with no tops.
2) A hoarder never has to replace anything.
Refer to reason number 1. If a toaster breaks, they just reach into the nearest pile, and they might find one that works.
Hoarders go out to the curb on garbage pick up days and grab the old toaster or blender their neighbors have thrown out because they no longer work, and keep them for the day when they can sell them back to the same neighbor after the Zombie Apocalypse has begun.
There isn’t any bread to toast, but that’s neither here nor there.
3) A hoarder never has to clean.
What would be the point?
If they dust around three ceiling-high piles of newspapers and magazines, no one will notice. A visitor just sees the piles of magazines and newspapers, like the shortsighted bums they are.
4) When a hoarder does clean, they get kudos for it.
If a hoarder actually manages to clear out their home of three decades worth of pizza boxes and oil drums, it’s gonna show. They’ll get all kinds of credit for it, too.
Whereas, if I clean, it’s just an accepted part of life. Which is why I leave the dirty rags and cleansers out so that my family will know I cleaned.
5) A hoarder can always make extra money by having a yard sale.
Getting them to sell some stuff, instead of going to other people’s yard sales, is another story.
Promise them they can buy something at a yard sale the very next weekend, if they’ll only have their own yard sale and sell just one pile. Just one.
6) You may be a hoarder, but at least you aren’t an alcoholic.
You may be many things, but no one can accuse you of that.
Of course, you’ve probably driven everyone else in your life to drink, but as long as they give you their empty bottles, it’s all good. Those things might come in handy.
7) Hoarders never misplace anything.
Seriously, how would it be possible?
8) People have always said, ‘You can’t have everything.’
Clearly, people have been lying. You can have everything, and you can even find a place to put it, even if it’s everywhere.
9) Hoarders can commit all kinds of crimes.
If they do, whose going to search through that stuff to find the evidence?
By the time they find it, the body will have decomposed. The police will have to sift through dead pets to find it, and that screws up their search for evidence of violence.
10) Hoarders never have to have guests.
Where would they sleep? And can we find the coffee, and a percolator that works?