It’s easy to survive the toilet paper apocalypse. Back in the 70s there was a rush on toilet paper. I can’t remember why now; perhaps someone else out there can. Maybe it was when Nixon resigned and people thought there’d be a rush on it. No president, no toilet paper.

(This is a re-publishing of this post. A friend told me in a comment–now gone–that it was Johnny Carson’s fault, and try as he might to rectify the mistake the public had made when they took his monologue to heart one night, it did no good and TP kept flying off the shelves.)

We got expletive deleted Spiro, so how bad could it have been? Actually, we got Gerald Ford, who fell down a lot. Maybe we thought he’d buy it all up. Where ever politicians are, there’s crap. When you have crap, you need toilet paper. Or maybe all the migrant workers went home temporarily taking the Charmin with them.

Whatever, for some odd reason now (which some clever people have since figured out–the reason being mainly that people are spending more time at home–duh–and therefore, need more toilet paper), people have bought up all the toilet paper again. I’d blame it on the election year if it wasn’t for the coronavirus. Nowhere do the symptoms say it will give us the runs, so I’m scratching my head over it, too. Scratching isn’t a symptom, is it?

When people hoarded all the toilet paper when I was a kid, we must have made do. Haha! “Made do.” An unintentional joke.

Here’s a short list of alternatives for all you whiny babies born after the 1920s. That would include me by the way, but we no longer use toilet paper. We’ve been using paper towels for several years. The real cheap kind. I understand those are all gone, too. Sigh.

1. The Sears catalog. See, you internet shoppers drove Sears RIGHT out of business and they stopped printing those catalogs. If anyone has any stored in their basement, they’re gold, baby.

Montgomery Ward and JC Penney’s catalogs work, too.

2. Corncobs are good for things other than smoking tobaccy. They were good for toilet paper when people used outhouses. Now an outhouse is called a “man cave” and as such, is the perfect receptacle for corncobs, you animals.

My dad routinely made things up, even about corncobs. He used to say, “The white ones were to see if you needed more red ones.”

3. A nice leafy bush. Now, don’t take the “bush” part wrong. You know perfectly well what I mean. You probably have bushes under your window.

Put that fern your partner is so fond of in the bathroom. Tell him or her that it’s for the steam. It will make the fern “healthier.” Meanwhile, you can pluck that puppy bald.

4. Speaking of puppies, do you have one with a fluffy tail and an eagerness to join you in the bathroom? Breed some dogs now, so that each member of your family can have their own Bathroom Puppy in the next litter.

5. Speaking of nature, haven’t you ever heard its call when you were on a hike? And realized you were caught short? There are smooth rocks everywhere. Think outside the roll here.

6. Soft, old, cotton diapers, tee shirts, or underpants held together by mere molecules. My son has sweatpants that are more hole than pants. I’ve seen men’s underwear that you could see through like they were a window.

If you’re like me, always wanting to throw things out, you will probably find a clean, organized hall closet. Fortunately, we do have a bunch of old rags and towels that came in handy just recently.

Everyone can learn to embroider while stuck at home in these trying times, and should embroider their name on their own rag. No leaving them on the floor of the bathroom.

7. If you aren’t working, you can’t pay your bills. Guess what those are good for now?

8. If you aren’t working, you might run short on food, too. All those toilet paper wankers took the dried beans, last time I looked for them at the store. Without beans, there often isn’t enough incentive to do anything toilet paper worthy.

9. If worse comes to worse, you can always scoot along the carpet like your dog does, or just use what God gave you: five fingers and a lot of soap and water afterward.