When you first fall in love with someone all you think about is that person. When you gaze at them, they shimmer in that foggy way they do on television to denote someone shimmering in a foggy way.

If our hearts get broken by the person we love, this creates a chemical imbalance in the brain, which is why bar stools are always full. The people sitting on them had their hearts broken and they’re trying to correct this chemical imbalance. The technique works so well, some people never leave their bar stools.

An aspirin can relieve some of the physical symptoms of heartache, and in addition, help the hangover, so its a win-win.

Instead of yammering on about heart attacks, Bayer should show a person standing in the distance, shimmering in a foggy way, while someone else sobs broken heartedly and swallows an aspirin. No one is tapping that market.

An intense longing for a love object that lasts for more than a few months is called limerence. It was invented by an Irishman 300 years ago after his heart was broken by a beautiful, dark-haired Irish lass.

To express his pain, he wrote a naughty poem and called it a limerick. His heart actually felt ‘icky’.

One of his poems went:

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Who put his aching head in a bucket,

The bucket was empty,

So the man sat on a bar stool and drank.

This is not a good example of a limerick. If you think you can do better, please feel free to waste your time thinking of one while sitting on a bar stool, drinking.

Those first, intense feelings for your newly discovered “other” is known as the “honeymoon” period of a relationship.

Later, if you two should marry, you will get another honeymoon, but if you have used up your feelings in the first one, the second should be spent in Vegas at the blackjack tables where your luck may improve.

During one of the honeymoons, you will think your love object is perfect. This distorted view helps ensure the continuation of the human species. I’m not sure what they called it in the Olden Days when men stole women from their tents and took them home for their own tribes.

Whether they were intensely in love or not, is up for conjecture, but it did ensure the continuation of our species, at least among peoples who lived in tents.

Someone who fixates on a person for a few years definitely has more than a crush. They are obsessed, and will remain so until their agents tell them its time to commit infidelity, cause a controversy, and be offered new parts in movies.

Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Hollywood and the Great Endless Loves of that enchanted place. With regular people, who have a harder time finding someone new to be obsessed with, restraining orders are taken out.

Freud was one of the first to try to help troubled women. He saw a great many in his practice. We call it a practice, because he never became good at diagnosing women. He did not see men, because he thought there was nothing wrong with them.

Freud told his female patients that they were hysterical whenever they became upset. Victorian women spent all their spare time upset, of which there wasn’t a lot, due to a lack of appliances and having to put up with arrogant Victorian husbands.

So Freud, ever the optimist, invented a machine that looked like a giant metal detector and used it on women who were obsessed, whether with a love object or with secretly plotting to kill their husbands. This device gave them an orgasm.

If the women refused to have an orgasm, Freud would have them committed. Which was fine with them, because they could finally get some rest.

Why Freud didn’t invent the modern washing machine, vacuum, and microwave instead, I don’t know. He wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun with his patients though, and the man liked a good therapy session.

This orgasm machine did not cure women of anything, but a few of them developed an obsession with going to see Freud as many times as possible. They told their families they were Making Progress, but were still Far From a Solution, and therefore, Many More Sessions were required.

Perhaps until they died.

Freud did not prescribe aspirin for these brokenhearted ladies, because they had trouble holding an aspirin between their knees.

There are several solutions to cure you of an unhealthy obsession with a love object, especially an obsession with an arrogant Victorian man, who are now dead.

I suggest visualizing your love object’s flaws, and then using a device as much like Freud’s as possible. Visualize this person as a cockroach who wouldn’t know a good therapy session from a hole in the ground.

That should do it. Then go have a drink at the nearest bar and compose dirty limericks.

Get this blog on your Kindle! How convenient!