You can bulletproof your relationship as long as you have two billion dollars. With that money you can afford to buy a Kevlar vest. According to Marie Claire, and their article written for all-American couples, it’s real easy to Bulletproof Your Relationship. Shoot, so to speak. I’m part of an all-American couple, and what woman doesn’t want to read about ways to prevent a nine-millimeter from piercing and tearing the fabric of her love relationship?

The article talks about marriage from the viewpoint of two zillionaire entrepreneurs in order to demonstrate that love knows no boundaries when it comes to money and how easy it is to be a jet-setter when you own a fleet of jets.

The female part of this couple is the founder of a company that sells really expensive underwear.  When women wear it, it feels as if Al-Quaeda  is trying to keep them in the dark about their whereabouts by binding them in really tight spandex from head to toe.

This makes female hostages feel fit, but they can’t say so, because the clothing line is Spanx. Terrorists get really hot when they hear words like that and go straight to hell where there are no virgins whatsoever.

The male part of the couple owns corporate jets that jet around and cost a lot to rent for your teen’s prom night.

So, we should listen to what these two have to say about marriage, because they’re really rich and therefore Know What They Are Talking About.

It was heartening to find out how much my guy and I have in common with these two. For instance, during dinner with friends one night, the wife told everyone that she’d placed their La Jolla house on the market. This was the first her hubby had heard about it. But he didn’t mind. He said he’d come home the other day and saw the brand new Lexus she’d bought parked in their driveway. He was cool with that, too.

Well, I’ve come home from the store with a new blouse I bought without consulting the MOTH (man of the house) first, and he was okay with it. I’ve even put one of our appliances on Craigslist and didn’t tell him about that, either. He’s used to my high finance shenanigans, by now.

We’re like this jet setting couple in other ways, too. They have one ironclad rule for a better marriage: Regardless of what they’re doing or where they are, they’ll be home in time for dinner.

The article doesn’t say which day or which dinner, but presumably Jet Set Hubby can be at his Manhattan headquarters, hop into one of his own planes, and be home in Atlanta in time for dinner with his wife unless he’s misplaced the keys to the jet. He probably uses one of those magnet cases and pops it under the wing somewhere.

Sometimes the MOTH is clear on the other side of town, but he makes sure he’s home that evening. He’s always in time for dinner too, because we’re very cosmopolitan and don’t have a set dinner hour. We can eat our cheese samwishes whenevs. That’s how the regular people roll.

The article talks about other couples as well. These couples are pretty much the same as the first pair, in that they are young, beautiful, and successful. I was reassured to find that my modern, middle-class, American relationship was right on track.

Here are the rules the article shares on bulletproofing your relationship:

1) Put yourself first.

When you put yourself first, and pursue your own interests, you have more to share and bond over. No problem here; the only people I know are the ones who put themselves first. I actually lead my own life most of the day.

We’re batting one hundred so far.

2) Have quickies.

After a long day of jet setting and running several mansions and the staffs therein, there is nothing you want more than to just go to sleep. I, myself, am extremely tired after a day of sitting around punctuated by walking into the kitchen or the bathroom.

Your partner however, may want more. All he’s done is fly a jet home for dinner, so just tell him to go ahead and snatch a piece so you can nod off.

3) Do go to bed angry.  

This is downright scary. When I’m mad, I gotta stay mad for as long as it takes, which is at least until the next morning. Then, unless I have one of those dreams where I’m mad at him for doing something dreamlike, such as buying a desolate planet and not letting me visit, I’ve forgotten why I was mad.

Apparently, our problems are resolved during REM sleep, which means Really Extremely Mad sleep.

4) Respect your relationship’s privacy.

You’re not supposed to vent online to all your friends, or even those who are in your network of “friends”–those you don’t know at all, but who fill your “wall” with kitten pictures, or shots of exotic places you’ll never go, because they’re owned by Bill Gates and he’s got tight security.

Venting about a spouse isn’t a problem on social media. Everyone is sure to tell you how great their life is, and that they never fight with their spouse.

5) Avoid toxic friends.

See rule number 4 for which friends to avoid. Fighting seems to be a catching thing, so if your friends fight, you will too, because only one of you is friends with one of the combative spouses, which is the one you’re secretly sleeping with.

6) Unplug after work.

Don’t always be working, this rule tells us. But how else are you supposed to manage three mansions with staffs, jet maintenance, and the board that has taken charge of your company and is letting another company do a hostile takeover?

7) Outsource housework.

Now we’re talking trash. Husbands, according to studies, do less housework than live-in boyfriends. So don’t get married, which is socially acceptable nowadays, and divide the housework equitably among all your housekeepers.

The male house staff members have to do as much as the women. Unless they’re the cook or the gardener. Then, they just have to do what they were hired to do.

See, if you were smart enough to make a zillion dollars, you’d have Help.

8) Get a prenup.

I personally want to make sure I keep what I’ve brought to my relationship, which is a grown son, some battered furniture, and my old pictures.  A prenup will ensure he keeps his old tools, a few non-working cars, and his battered furniture.

9) Call a money summit.

You want to make sure you each agree on how to spend your cash and manage your finances.

Wait just a minute.

What about our young jet setting couple? She didn’t consult him on putting that La Jolla house on the market, or buying that new Lexus! Do I really have to sit down and discuss how I’m going to spend my weekly $100.00 grocery allotment? Ramen or chicken? Apples or oranges?

As you can see, a fairy-tale ending can be yours, for only 2 billion dollars and some change.

And, since we are statistically far more likely to be murdered by our nearest and dearest, don’t forget the Kevlar vest.

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