How to get in shape in Ten Easy Pieces is not a new movie with Jack Nicholson. Jack made Five Easy Pieces, and his brother wanted to make a sequel with double the pieces, but it never happened.
Jack, on the other hand, does not know a lot about getting buff, because very young women will hang around him anyway, regardless of his looks.
That’s how he got five easy pieces to begin with.
Jack Nicholson is an exception. Unless you have buckets of money, you cannot hope to equal Jack’s lack of fitness and getting young women to hang out with you. So, for the rest of the population, I am going to explain the steps to getting in shape.
The first step to fitness is to know how to photoshop a ‘selfie’ so that you look as if you work out even in your sleep. These terms may be unfamiliar to some people over seventy, who feel that if God wanted us to be on the internet, He’d have introduced us to Al Gore.
I don’t know anything about photoshop, but after you learn it and buff up your selfie, upload it to all your social media sites.
Afterwards, you will never be able to leave your house or go to reunions, but if that’s okay, you can skip the rest of this How-To article. If you want to impress people in the flesh, keep reading.
The second step to getting in shape is to buy a piece of exercise equipment. You can find these at yard sales or on Craigslist. They will be overpriced, but if you wait, the person selling them will come down to about one percent of their original asking price.
This is like the stock market; if you show an interest in their stock, the price goes up and vice versa.
After you pay the person cash for your new exercise equipment you are on your way to fitness! First, you will need to put the equipment in your car. This involves most major muscle groups that you probably haven’t used since you were in junior high.
After you get it home, you will have to lift it out of your car and this is known as ‘interval training’ and ‘repetition’.
In other words, you must move your exercise equipment a couple more times to build muscle, but let a few months go by before you do it.
Moving your equipment builds muscle by tearing it down, so you will be in a lot of pain, but you will feel a glow of accomplishment. You will also have to get the piece of equipment into the house, but you should leave that step until your muscles ‘recover’, sometime next December.
So make sure it’s out of the way in the garage.
Do not be impatient to get into shape. Fitness takes time and commitment. The piece of equipment you choose has a lot to do with it. For example, the treadmill is big and bulky, so you will build big and bulky muscles when you lift it to vacuum or retrieve the earring that bounced and rolled under it.
It holds more laundry and dry cleaning than other pieces of equipment such as a rebounder, so you will be walking more often to hang these things up.
This is called cardio, and it is very important to have a strong heart. The longer you live, the more money your specialist will make.
If you choose the rebounder, your kids will get into shape bouncing on it, but you will go into debt. Don’t lose heart though; you will burn calories after you find a second job in order to replace the television because the kids bounced off the rebounder and fell on it. Not to mention them landing on the dog and having to fix him. Nine out of ten vets recommend rebounders for precisely this reason.
You will also burn calories running after the kids that ruined your body and rushing the dog to the vet.
An elliptical, on the other hand, is not as heavy as the treadmill, nor does it accommodate as many clothing items, but to dust it and move it outside to the lawn when you decide to sell it at your own yard sale will work other major muscle groups.
It is important not to ignore any muscle groups. They get angry and feel alienated, and then they form groups. These groups meet in basements all year and then march on Washington.
(Come to think of it, climbing basement stairs and marching is an excellent way to build up those muscles, unless they eat too many doughnuts at the meetings.)
The weight bench is an accessory that is used when lifting weights. It builds the quads when you stand up over and over to get a fresh beer while hanging out with your friends in the garage.
The weights you use with it count as many pieces of equipment. You will need to keep lifting progressively heavier weights to build bigger muscles, in order to move them all and stop stubbing your toes on them.
There are many pieces of equipment to choose from to build your own unique program of fitness. If you don’t like the one you first chose, you can always go to another yard sale.
This will make you feel better about yourself. You will meet people who are in worse shape than you, because they did not bother to lift the treadmill to vacuum under it.
All they did was lift it in and out of the car, and into the house, although we can’t be sure they didn’t just leave it in the garage and let their muscles recover.
If you keep at this program, in about twenty years you should be in decent shape for someone your age.