Highlights of the year 2016, include a game. As a highlight, that’s not half bad.
PokemonGo took the world by storm, ousting all the other news of the day. Despite the time-honored advice of “Eat less, exercise more,” “Get out there, already,” and “The change is in you,” none of it made any difference.
Thanks to small creatures, born in colors never seen in nature, people are losing weight and meeting women. Go, Pokemon Go!
Maybe you’ll find that special Pokemon in The Orange House Oval Office! It will have funny blonde fur, be tangerine colored, and sign bills for the immediate deportation of all Muslim Pokemon.
Meanwhile, it’s Take Your Daughter to Work Day every day for the next four years, at a minimum.
According to Wikipedia, my go-to source for 2016, this is the International Year of the Pulse.
You might think that has something to do with a nurse, but it do NOT. A pulse is something you eat, and will keep you pulsing, so to speak.
To wit, our highlights of 2016:
- January in the US of A started off wet with the federal investigation into the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. The people in charge of Flint’s Water informed the residents, who always have a bad taste in their mouths lately, that anyone whose water had a lead level of over 150 pbb, would be told about it.
- The people whose water is at 149 pbb, are having Roman orgies. You know, ’cause the Romans drank out of lead painted cups? Never mind.
- After the UN lifted sanctions against Iran, three American prisoners were released and sent to Germany. They promptly ate too much bratwurst, drank too much beer, and collapsed face first on the floor, causing the US to bring sanctions against Germany.
- Taiwan elects their first female president. Not only that, but she’s unmarried. When he heard about it, Trump got up at 3am to tweet that she was not a 10, and couldn’t be expected to rule properly. She didn’t step up for the role until May, just in time for the summer shoe sales.
- In February, performance artists called for a boycott of the Academy Awards, because of a lack of diversity in the nominees. The Academy is trying to include more minorities and women on the board, while the rest of the world wonders about the overabundance of weiners in Hollywood.
- The presidential election kicks off, and performance artists boycott that, too.
- America watches the US election opening salvos with curiosity, having no clue that this would be the best part of the process, and that we would be nostalgic for it by September.
- North Korea launches a long range rocket into space. The rocket contains Kim Jong-Un, who was steering it when he took a wrong turn at Jupiter and disappeared. He hasn’t been seen since, but will reappear in 2025 for ten seconds in the night sky over Brooklyn.
- The State Department upgrades Hilary’s emails to “secret and confidential.” They weren’t before, which is a shame, because otherwise we might have found out just what was in them. What we need are Chinese computer hackers to find out for us.
- Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, dies, leaving the Supreme Court evenly balanced at four justices on the left and four justices on the right. However, a crisis of deadlocked cases is avoided when the eight remaining justices refuse to come to a decision about whether Scalia is really dead. He remains on the bench, but is oddly quiet.
- Jeb Bush, barely into the presidential race, withdraws after oil is found on his Florida property. He ignores family members who keep singing, “Jeb, move away from here! Washington DC is the place you oughta be!”
- Senate leaders refuse to hold hearings for a new justice, citing that Scalia is still on the bench, though he hasn’t given any dissenting views in quite awhile.
- The ESA and Roscomos launch a mission to Mars. That’s good news. The bad news is that unless you want to include the convictions of a couple of world leaders for war crimes, not much else happened in March that was cheerful.
- Chris Rock hosts the Oscars, and calls people white.
- Erin Andrews wins 55 million dollars in her lawsuit against a stalker who peered at her through a peephole in a hotel where she was a guest, and filmed what he saw. She was wearing her holey underwear at the time, exacerbating the whole situation. After her monetary award was announced, millions of women immediately began to drill holes in their front doors, dreaming of shoe sales at Saks Fifth Avenue.
- The Bathroom Debates heat up like a foggy bathroom mirror, or more like the Nixon/Khrushchev Kitchen Debate. The difference is, while Nixon fixed Khrushchev bacon and eggs, this debate concerns the bacon and eggs of transgender people.
- Transgenders want to use the public bathrooms of the gender with whom they identify. Translated, this means men know Ladies Rooms are cleaner.
- American Idol , the talent show which finds hot new singers, ends after 15 seasons. No longer will America be mesmerized by the antics of crazed performers, convinced they are the best person for the job. (Scratch that. We did get a final season of American Idol when the presidential election kicked off.)
- Lt. Edward Lin of the Navy was accused of espionage, attempted espionage, and patronizing a prostitute. Though the connection between the three offenses is not immediately apparent to us civilians, it turns out the prostitute was a Chinese agent. Lin’s mistake was when he tried to “patronize” her, instead of just treating her like anyone else.
- Goldman Sachs is fined for contributing to the financial crisis. They paid so much fine money, you’d think the crisis would have ended right then and there. But no. That money has been allocated to rescue the mortgage industry.
- Microsoft sues the US government over a federal law that allows authorities to examine customers’ emails and online documents without the customer’s knowledge. In the interim, we’re back to square one, storing our documents in shoe boxes or behind the toilet paper in the hall closet.
- Dennis Hastert is sentenced to fifteen months in jail for illegal bank transactions, which he committed in order to cover up other illegal activities. He also admits to sexual misconduct and abusing athletes in Indiana, decades before when he was a wrestling coach.
- Which proves your mom was right: Having sex with the wrestling team will lead to greater and more sinful crimes.
- The International Consortium of Investigative Journalists released 11.5 million documents revealing details and names associated with offshore companies. This might have been a good thing, if the CEOs of the companies hadn’t immediately insisted the documents were joke toilet paper, and flushed them all.
- The Justice Department asks North Carolina to rectify their law against letting transgenders use the bathroom of their choice, stating that North Carolina is in direct violation of federal law.
- Instead, North Carolina retaliates by bringing a lawsuit against the Justice Department. Transgenders meanwhile, continue to use the shrubbery outside their schools and workplaces.
- The shrubbery, which is slowly turning brown, brings lawsuits against the Justice Department, in order to hedge its bets.
- President Obama weighs in on the Bathroom Debate, and recommends that students be allowed to use the bathroom corresponding to their gender identity rather than the gender listed on their birth certificates. Ob-gyns are being sued for malpractice, and lack of foresight for not knowing when a baby might be a mite confused.
- Following this, 11 states decide to sue the Obama administration, demanding to see President Obama’s birth certificate, and question his right to use the White House bathrooms.
- The U.S. Senate Commerce Committee opens an investigation into allegations that Facebook’s Trending Topics section is not a true reflection of actual events, but is, according to former employees, somewhat curated to suppress conservative news. The employees did this by posting pictures of kitties and cheeseburgers over news they didn’t like, plus giving the items a big thumbs down.
- In an open letter to Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, Sen. John Thune from South Dakota asks for the issue to be looked into and for his five questions about the Trending Topics section to be answered. In response, Zuckerberg posts pictures of his dinner five nights in a row and unfriends the senator.
- The Gotthard Base Tunnel, the longest and deepest railway tunnel in the world, which runs through the Alps, is opened after two decades of construction. It was opened just in time for the passage of Brexit, and fleeing Brits were seen with armloads of clocks and chocolate bars, trying to leave England via the tunnel.
- Gawker Media files Chapter 11 bankruptcy in the face of extreme legal expenses brought on by a recent lawsuit. Terry Bollea, also known as Hulk Hogan, sued Gawker Media back in 2012 for publishing a video of him having sexual relations with his former best friend’s wife, and the jury sided with Bollea back in March.
- The Hulk is heard to say that it was the video that led to the end of the friendship. Investigators are looking into his claim.
- A Stanford swim team member is given six months probation and a “sexual offender” tag after a conviction of felony sexual assault on an unconscious woman. Swimmers are now issued letter jackets, so they can get women the natural way, through symbolic bragging rights.
- Chris Rock calls the Stanford swimmer white and boycotts all swim meets.
- Four gun control policies brought to the Senate fail passage. The Democrats propose stronger background checks and a ban on gun purchases by those on the FBI “no-fly list,” while the Republicans propose a “fix” of the background system in place now and a 72-hour wait time for those on the FBI “no-fly list.” The Republicans are afraid that if a shooter has to wait 72 hours to fly, he’ll change his mind about shooting a Democrat.
- In protest, the Democrats began a sit-in on the House floor, which was littered with cigarette butts and sandwich wrappings. The 60s style sit-in lasted until 3AM, during which our representatives smoked doobies and listened to the Grateful Dead.
- The Supreme Court decides that a Texas law imposed on abortion clinics is unconstitutional and provides an unnecessary burden on women seeking abortions, by reducing the number of clinics to 19. Conservative Justice Kennedy provided the fifth and essential vote, siding with the liberals. Justice Kennedy was finally convinced that the world didn’t need more Texans.
- Defense Secretary Ash Carter announced at a news conference that transgender individuals will now be allowed to serve openly in the military. Transgenders already serving in the military will be able to come out, and receive proper medical care. Transgendered people will be able to enlist in the military as long as they have been living as their new gender for over a year. Many soldiers are overcome with surprise when their bunk mate turns out to be someone they thought they knew, and refuse to lend them any more of their BVDs.
- Transgender soldiers still aren’t sure which bathrooms to use.
- FBI director James Comey announced that he will not recommend charges for Hilary Clinton’s recent email scandal after a thorough FBI investigation. He does send a stern rebuke to Clinton and her aides for being extremely careless with sensitive government information—using a private, insecure email server, “while being white,” added Chris Rock.
- Chris Rock boycotts the FBI, and calls Comey white.
- The Olympics are held in Rio. It becomes the first time in history that white boys were charged with a mugging in a bad neighborhood.
- Officials in Florida announce that 10 more people are infected with the Zika virus. So far, the cases seem to be localized to an area just north of downtown Miami. In response, the CDC issues an unprecedented travel warning for all pregnant women to avoid that area if possible.
- Mosquitoes protest the ruling, and bring a lawsuit against the CDC for profiling.
- Men living in downtown Miami boycott the CDC and refuse to get white women pregnant.
- Over 40 suspected Mafia members are arrested on multiple charges. Although the Mafia isn’t what it used to be, this crackdown shows that deep roots still remain. Those arrested have last names that read like the Who’s Who of the Casa Nostra, and are tied with four of New York’s major family names: Genovese, Gambino, Luchese and Bonano.
- Chris Rock demands the Mafia be more inclusive of other ethnic groups and boycotts them.
- Michael Phelps won his 20th gold medal of his career in the Rio de Janeiro Olympic games. He ends with 23 golds and 28 career total medals. Chris Rock demands a recount, calls Phelps white, and unconscious women everywhere stay safely inside their homes.
- Sally Yates, the deputy attorney general, announced that the Department of Justice will begin to scale back the use of private prisons. Supposedly, this is due to the harsh conditions in for-profit private prisons, but is really because there isn’t room for transgender bathrooms, and prisoners can’t be trusted to not beat the crap out of North Carolina transgenders.
- Judge Reed O’Connor of the Federal District Court blocks the Obama administration from allowing transgender students to access public restrooms of their choice. He suggested that this ruling should apply throughout the United States.
- Shrubbery in all 50 states boycott everything.
- Social conservatives fear that by allowing transgender citizens into bathrooms it would put the safety and privacy of the other schoolchildren at risk. This makes absolutely no sense, as most children never bother using the bathroom, preferring instead to push and shove their classmates in the halls, and make it to their next class in the four minutes allotted to get there.
- NASA launches an asteroid sample return mission, which was sent to Bennu. No one knows where that is, as it doesn’t show up on Google Maps. The mission is supposed to come back by 2023, but after it saw what happened in the election, it has decided to go to some other galaxy.
- Two stolen Van Goghs are recovered in Amsterdam along with a mysterious ear taped to the back.
- ITT Technical Institute announced the closure of all 130 campuses in 38 states. The for-profit chain blamed the Education Department for banning ITT Tech from welcoming new students who use federal financial aid.
- This naturally translates to mean that ITT Tech took their money and spent it on Caribbean cruises.
- Because of the shutdown, 35,000 students were without a school, and over 8,000 employees were without jobs, and millions of television viewers were left without ITT Tech commercials.
- Wells Fargo was fined $190 million for pushing customers into fee-generating accounts that they did not request. Wells Fargo has been envied in the banking industry for its ability to sell multiple products to the same customer, using transgender people twice in the same transaction, but refusing to let them use the banks’ bathrooms.
- The fine is the largest ever levied by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau; of the $185 million in penalties, the CFPB will receive $100 million, and $5 million will go to customers affected by the scandal.
- Roughly translated, this means executives of the CFPB will go on a lot of Caribbean cruises, and customers will receive a $5 check in the mail.
- Savvy Shields from Arkansas walked away with the Miss America crown in Atlantic City. She beat 51 other contestants, including the pageant’s first openly gay competitor, Miss Missouri, who must own her own state, because I was sure we had only 50 states, with one contestant each.
- The pageant wouldn’t normally get a mention from me, except that Savvy Shields sounds like a female underwear product.
- Her secret desire in life is to be a backup dancer for famous pop star Beyoncé. Savvy sued Beyonce for making her “out” her ‘secret’ desire. Which isn’t any more.
- The NCAA announces that it will be relocating all championship tournament games that are scheduled to take place throughout North Carolina. It is the NCAA’s opinion that the current laws do not protect gays, lesbians, and transgenders against discrimination. This is a hard pill to swallow for North Carolinians, who have no clue which players used to be women, and so refuse to let anyone in the entire state use a bathroom, ever again.
- Chris Rock boycotts North Carolina; calls everyone who lives there white.
- The first presidential debate takes place between Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, and Democratic presidential nominee, Hillary Clinton. The two candidates take turns (mostly), after a stern warning from Chris Rock, answering questions about their plans for the economy, ISIS, systemic racism, and gun control.
- Both of them claim victory and bump into each other when they try to use the same bathroom after the debate.
- In an overwhelming vote, Congress rejected President Obama’s veto of the legislation that would allow the families of 9/11 victims to sue the Saudi Arabian government. The White House is against the legislation because it could open the United States up to similar lawsuits from foreign countries.
- There is some truth to that, as representatives from every country on earth began to line up to file lawsuits against the US, all of them demanding their own bathroom.
- One hundred and fifty nations in Rwanda agree to phase out hydrofluorocarbons. Unfortunately, the representatives all showed up to the conference, five to a car, in 1985 Yugos.
- The FBI announced that they arrested a spy who stole highly sensitive materials from the NSA during the month of August. Harold T. Marin III was working as a contractor for the consulting company Booz Allen when he allegedly stole classified documents.
- He stowed them in a shoe box and hid them behind the toilet paper in his hall closet. Investigators were stumped as to their hiding place, and decided instead to keep checking Marin’s computer in order to look busy.
- The Dakota Access Pipeline suffers $2 million in damages after construction equipment is intentionally set on fire. The Democrats, who were in another sit-in, deny all responsibility, and go to the nearest 7-11 for more junk food, citing the Munchie Bill they passed during the sit-in.
- The $3.7 billion dollar pipeline plan is set to bring oil from North Dakota to the U.S. Gulf Coast. But there have been months of protests by the Standing Rock Sioux tribe and environmental activists who are concerned with protecting the water supply and sacred sites.
- The Michigan governor tried to reassure them as to water safety standards, but admitted he knew nothing about sacred sites.
- Hackers launched a massive cyberattack against the internet routing company Dyn, which translates domain names into IP addresses recognized by computers, allowing users to surf the web. The company was under attack for 11 hours, during which time, users across the country and Europe were intermittently blocked from accessing many popular websites.
- Millions of people were unable to decide what their relationship status was, or where they should have dinner. They go into acute withdrawals from not being able to see political postings and get ticked off.
- The Chicago Cubs won a spot in the World Series, beating the Los Angeles Dodgers 5–0. This was the first time the Cubs had been to the World Series since 1945, the longest World Series drought in history. The last time the Chicago Cubs won was in 1908 against the New York Giants. The Cubs will face the Cleveland Indians, who have the second longest World Series drought, since 1948.
- The protestors leave the Dakota Access pipeline for a chance to see Indians win at something.
- A U.S. judge approved one of the biggest corporate settlements of all time. Volkswagen had installed devices into their vehicles that falsified data about diesel emissions, making the cars seem more eco-friendly than they actually were. Volkswagen hires the Michigan governor to explain to the public why this is okay.
- The $14.7 billion settlement stipulates that owners will receive the original trade-in value of their vehicle, plus an additional $5,100 to $10,000.
- They immediately spend the money on classic vehicles that run on leaded gas.
- The US Armed Forces will get a 20 year extension on their lease for a base in the Chagos Islands, which is good, because rents have really skyrocketed, and the US can’t get a good reference from its landlord.
- The governor of North Carolina (which must be trying for some sort of current event record), Pat McCrory, requested a recount in the gubernatorial race against Democratic opponent, Roy Cooper. McCrory requested a recount because the election results showed him trailing by one-tenth of a point. He was immediately hired by Donald Trump as an advisor.
- Trump won the presidential election, and as his first order of business, ended all bathroom privileges for unattractive women, Muslims, and anyone who didn’t support him.
- Chris Rock boycotts Trump and calls him white.
- President-elect Trump began calling all world leaders whose phone numbers he could find, flying in the face of convention and policy. He talked to the leader of Taiwan, the first woman elected as Taiwan’s prime minister. He managed to refrain from grabbing her in sensitive places. Like her Beijing.
- After Trump was elected, California decided to withdraw from the Union, naming the move, Calexit. Jerry Brown sent student protestors out to start digging along the exact line marked on the map, in order not to take any land from Nevada or Utah. Nellis AFB goes on high alert, standing ready to nuke the fruits and nuts.
- The Chinese recover a US drone from the ocean. After breaking it open with a screwdriver, hoping to find sensitive information, all they find are pictures of Sofia Vergara sunbathing in her backyard. They refuse to return the drone.
- Chris Rock calls for a boycott of all white Christmases.