I’ve even taken to standing on my head outside, which is good for blood flow, but when I’m wearing a skirt or a dress, I attract quite a few curious onlookers. They ask me what I think I’m doing at my age, walking around parking lots and streets on my hands.

I just tell them I like a womb with a view.

What I’m really ‘up to’ when I’m upside down outside and entertaining the troops, as it were, is looking at vanity plates to determine which ones are offensive or not, just in case the DMV missed one that day.

I even go above and below, and check all plates.

I am not alone in my endeavor. The DMV, whose employees all appear to be standing upright, but only when I’m upside down, has recently required them to go out and stand on their heads to look at recently issued plates.

This state of affairs, which require holes more often than not, came to my attention today when I discovered a man had his vanity plate rescinded by his DMV because if you looked at it upside down, it spelled ASSHOLE.

Upside down, it looks like a perfectly ordinary plate, and if someone had not been on their toes, or in this case their head, it would have gone unremarked, despoiling our youth and offending our sensibilities on the roads and byways that we have paid for with our tax dollars.

As you can see from the above picture, the owner of this car has parked it on its roof, in order to send the DMV a message.

Because the DMV likes to shoot from the hip and they are always on their toes, making standing on their heads very difficult, everyone is now required to drive upside down. If you try to pull a fast one, they will find out. They’re getting dizzy and disoriented, although its hard to tell the difference, but they will know if you try to slip one by them.

Taxpayers know immediately who DMV employees are when they’re upside down in back of cars and they sneak up and tip them over. This leaves the employees vulnerable to becoming road kill.

That is reminiscent of my choice recently for a vanity plate: LLIK DAOR.

It was rejected by the DMV!

I really do enjoy licking doors, as do others, evidenced by the fact that the traditional spellings of DOOR and LICK were already taken when I checked this plate out. I’m always holding onto door frames when I’m cooking dinner, so the residue of what I’ve cooked is left there.

If I want to get a taste of a typical menu in our house, I know where to go, since everyone around here insists that I don’t cook. So there was nothing deviant about my choice of spelling, at all.

There is a lot of development going on around this town, but I thought it was due to a resurgence in the economy. I called a developer to find out. He told me that while it may appear as if neighborhoods and offices are being built, his tractors and bulldozers are busy filling in holes.

There were a great many complaints about the offensiveness of depressions in the ground, and through an agreement with the Taliban, Chevrolet, Ford, and the National Parks, which caters to families, all builders and developers have agreed not to dig any more holes and to fill in existing ones.

“This has really put out my wife,” said the developer I talked to, who wished to remain anonymous. “But I made a promise to our government to fill all holes, and by God, I intend to do it.”