ChezGigi

Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

Directions Written By A Chinese Speaker And A Lot Of Birds

Directions written by a Chinese speaker on the things we buy are the norm now, because the Chinese make most of our stuff, from spatulas to pacemakers, I’d wager.

I guess it’s fair they write the directions for the stuff they sell us and write them according to their own translations. I mean, why would someone in Cleveland write the directions on my dog’s nail clippers?

My title might lead you to believe that a bunch of birds helped write the directions on something I bought, and admittedly, Chinese writing does look like a drunk bird dipped its claws in ink and tap danced its way across a piece of paper.

But that’s just the gringo in me talking.

Image result for directions written in english by a chinese speaker

Ask those drunken birds.

The birds are in the title because they were gathered ominously on the telephone wires out back a few days ago. I went out for my sunbath during a very cold winter back East (I love to tell my east coast friends that I’m sunbathing while they’re shoveling snow), and there were at least fifty birds out there, giving me the beady eye.

There were a lot more than this. You’ve got to believe me.

I’ve seen all of Hitchcock’s movies. I know what’s up. I told the MOTH about this suspicious state of affairs, and he told me the birds were just trying to get warm on the wires.

Ha. Who is he kidding? They will take your eyes out as soon as look at you. I think they’d just flown in from China, and boy, were their wings tired! Haha!

I’d recently bought a pair of dog nail clippers and will attempt to clip Sugar’s claws one of these days. I’ve had them for a week now. I was not surprised the clippers were made in China. If we want to make this country great again, we’ll have to start making them here. Being a patriot, I’ll make them right here in my house. I could whip out twenty or so a day using my kitchen counter and my dog, Sugar, to watch me work and then take them to the post office.

The clippers came in a little box. No manual inside, which is fine. How much could there be to say about nail clippers? Directions on the box are fine. It’s what the box says that’s a curiosity. If I wasn’t a native English speaker, I might be tempted to literally do what the box suggests. I think they might be telling me to make pasta with them.

The meaning is not apparent, no matter how many times you read it.

Image result for directions written in english by a chinese speaker

Say what again? I like that the outside is prone to lighting, particularly in daylight.

Let me tell you what the box says. Sit down and get comfy.

In a little box drawn on the back side of the real box, there’s a warning with that triangle symbol and an exclamation mark beside it. The warning says:

“Check and cut nails every two weeks.”

(So far, so good.)

“Don’t cut your pet hurted when its feet struggle.”

(I would never do this when its feet struggle, and by the way, I haven’t said ‘hurted’ since the 90’s and my son was little. He also liked the number ‘eleventeen’ and the Table of Continents in books.)

And finally:

“Please note the difference between front paws and back paws.” 

(Italics mine.)

Why are the italics mine? Because the Chinese took the time to tell me to figure out the difference between the front of my dog and the back of her. I mean, that’s kindly, to say the least. To say the most, how stupid do they imagine we are?

In the first place, when I feel something cold and/or wet licking my arm and hand, I’m assuming it’s the front of my dog doing it. If it’s not, she’s got some ‘splaining to do. When I go out back to pick up poop, I do hope it isn’t coming from her front part.

And when its feet struggle, I get a giggle. I’m always tickling its feet. It’s a riot. It doesn’t think it’s funny. Tch.

It’s not funny.

Now for the warnings written below that warning:

1. Please stay away from fire, high temperature place.

( I try.)

2. Please put in pet. Young children cannot take place.

(Boy, ain’t that the truth. I have never had to buy Sugar size 17 shoes or a deck of Pokemon cards. On the other hand, I have never put nail clippers up my child’s butt, nor have I ever put my child up my dog’s butt. This is a little insulting, don’t you think?)

3. After use, please send the product on the hair clean, if the water after washing should be kept dry.

(Huh?)

4. Please consider when using, avoid improper use and pet injury.

(At last. One I understand.)

The directions on how to use the clippers are understandable. They tell me not to cut ‘vessels,’ but if I should do so, to please to use hemostatic drugs to stop the bleeding. Yikes.

directions written by a Chinese speaker on chezgigi.com

Say what?

I’m going to send some of MY dog nail clippers to Chinese people, at double the price due to lower volume and higher overhead costs. I’m going to include Chinese directions written by someone who doesn’t even eat Chinese food, which over there, they just call food.

Quid pro quo. That’s Latin for something.

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14 Comments

  1. Nelson Mary

    Does Sugar let you cut her nails? My cats yell with each cut. Anyone outside is going to think we torture cats for fun! (Just for profit!). (Kidding people, kidding!)
    Let us know how it goes.
    And those silly steptic sticks men use (used to use? My guy has a beard.) They work well if you cut a little bit too close.

    • Good to know! Thank you. I haven’t done it yet, except for one. Its feet struggled.

      Are your cats Siamese? Hmmm. Never trusted them, every since I saw Lady and the Tramp.

  2. Patti Atkins

    How do you do it? Dreading going for highlights just evaporated after Gigi’s
    latest laughfest. Unasked for advice:
    I take Coton every other week to groomer
    …..and no toenail blood yet.
    Patti Atkins

    • We can’t seem to find a decent vet. I want to take her and get these things done. I finally decided to get clippers with a guard and do it myself. She pulls up carpet threads and scratches me when we play. But you’re right. You’re always right, Patti. And thank you!

      • Nelson Mary

        Finding a good vet is always hard. We have one but it’s quite a drive just for grooming!
        If Sugar’s nail are light colored you can see where the vein is. If they’re dark, just trim a bit. Any curling part can go. You can do it! I do two cats with no major bloodshed on either side. So far.

        • Good to know. I’ll take the bit, AKA the clippers, between my teeth and then try doing it. Okay, I’ll use my hands.

          We had a good vet, but then he got crazed on drugs and retired. Very strange. We’re still looking, but taking the dog or cats to the vet every two weeks or month for their nails would be pretty pricey.

          • Nelson Mary

            Yes, having the vet do grooming will cost you. The only time my girls get a professional trim is if they are at the vet the tech will often trim the nails just ‘cause.
            Have fun!

  3. Patti Atkins

    My comment disappeared, Gigi!
    Or is this just an “elderly” problem?

    • It didn’t disappear, Patti. It’s just that I hold all comments in moderation and I don’t see them right away. As soon as I do and read them, I can approve them. No worries! And have fun getting highlights! Woo hoo!

  4. Wolf Man

    As usual my Love you make all things in Life FUN. I too, like reading the comments from your friends. They all seem so genuine and nice. I applaud you all.

  5. Ranne

    Many years ago we bought a sound system in Sweden. We wanted to program the VCR part just to make the clock work and we spent hours pouring over the directions in 4 different languages (just in case we missed something in one translation). It was a hopeless task. Each page contradicted the next. User manuals are not meant to be user friendly, rather an exercise in geek speak. OK – so imagine a manual translated into “English” from a Chinese manufacturer. I mean, one could actually kill oneself if it is a toaster (assuming the buyer was a first-time toaster owner). We are inundated with Chinese stores in my town. One block alone has two! And even nails come with directions. My amusement these days is to buy stuff I already know how to use – then read the directions. More fun than the comics!

    I assume you already knew how to cut doggie nails…?

    • Was that funny or what? I loved it. I shall volunteer to write their manuals, only I’m positive I couldn’t figure out a VCR, either. Never did when they were in fashion, and wasn’t able to by the time they disappeared. Some friends could program it and everything. Amazing.

      I did know kind of, how to do it. But I’d gotten the quick of Chulo’s nail once, and never wanted to risk it again. I felt so horrible! Poor thing.

      Send me some examples. I love those directions! Hey, check out my post on Swedish detectives. Never mind, I’ll send you the link. What a hoot.

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