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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

Tis The Season For the Hunters And Gatherers: One Of The Creepiest Things Society Takes For Granted

Tis the season for the hunters and gatherers to come out of the shadows and enjoy religious freedom. I’d like to bring your attention to an oft-overlooked religion in America, Canada, the UK, and other countries.

The adherents have been scattered across the globe in the search for Religious Freedom from Oppression. They worship all year round, but they ‘come out’ for their main services at the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,  just like you and I. The cockles of my heart wax warm just thinking about it!

I’m going to illustrate in pictures, so that all of us will be privileged to see these sacred rituals. Normally, photographers aren’t allowed into their churches during this Oh So Holy Time. They stay away out of respect. But through the miracle of Surveillance, we are allowed to share the joy and the pain of these seekers of wisdom and truth.

The worshippers begin by spending their entire day and sometimes the night before, waiting for something. Is it the Wells Fargo wagon?

tis the season for the hunters and gatherers on chezgigi.com

Thomething thpecial, juth for me!

No! It’s for something even more wonderful! It’s Lower Prices for Everyone and a New Model of something else!

That’s why people choose to spend the day in the freezing cold, standing in a line with hundreds of strangers on asphalt. They’re all fellow worshipers and the camaraderie and warmth and intimacy in these gatherings only fuels their devotion:

I love my brothers and sisters all waiting for a sign out here in the rain and the cold.

 

When are services going to start, Mother?

After they’ve done the ritual Standing Around during the Sacred Hours, they clamor to get inside their Church:

Some worshipers are so overcome with the Spirit, they prostrate themselves on the Altar of the Holy Sales Floor before they even get inside!

Prostrating yourself on the Holy Sales Floor

Once inside the church, a hush falls. (A hush never falls. Get real.)

The worshipers spend hours inside their churches because they can never have too little air and space to move around or a clear path to the outside in the event of an earthquake, fire, or terrorist attack.

Below is shown a ritual called the Undressing of the Virgins. This illustrates their Christmas Spirit. Sometimes the undressing and the battle is done by men, so don’t think this is gender specific to this religion.

If devotees don’t allow members to do this at least once, the Ghost of Christmas Presents comes to visit many of The Chosen before midnight on Christmas Eve, scaring the beejezus out them, and making them break into a cold sweat thinking they may not receive their fair share of the Spirit:

Before you judge these people harshly for simply trying to worship in the church of their choice, you should know that they have to perform these devotions. They are required to empty their wallets in the Giving of Tithes in support of their demanding and angry god.

If they don’t give their money to their church, as much as they can afford, they won’t have the Sacred Keepsakes and Remembrances Room. People of lesser religions place their vehicles in this room, but due to the discipline required to practice their religion, that’s not possible for The Gatherers.

You have to admire their dedication and self-sacrifice:

Other Gatherers are even more dedicated and bring the Hallowed Religious Symbols indoors so that they can truly enjoy them, and be reminded every day of the beauty of their religion:

So while you other, shallower people are off fighting for some silly cause, pause a moment to give these people a thought. Pray for them during their holiest of days, Black Friday.

I jacked this post from my Quora answers. It’s a popular answer with over 3k upvotes. Many people agree with the premise. It’s a ‘normal’ thing  that ‘normal’ people do every year. And I think it’s very creepy.

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15 Comments

  1. Mike Van Horn

    I confess, I’ve had a crisis of faith, and I’ve stopped participating in their orgies. Even so, I am constantly accosted by their acolytes, begging me to return to the fold, which I must do within the allotted time to obtain this Special, One Time Only price: 6 hours, 17 minutes, and 32 seconds. No, 31. Now it’s 30. Whoops 29. Oh my, a second disappears every second!
    If I don’t join in, will I go to Hell? Will I spend eternity with Last Year’s Model? Will my friends all have the iPhone n+1, while I’m stuck with the dowdy n-1? Oh woe is me.
    I must remain strong. Oh wow, there on my FB feed is an opportunity to get back in the good graces by purchasing just this one thing, which looks like I might even be able to use it once.
    I’m wavering. What should I do?

    • I hate to see you go to hell and burn for all eternity, when for the price of a few dollars you can be in paradise, Mike. Please dig deep and support our economy, our big box retailers, and Amazon. Thank you for your support! See you at the donation center drop off!

  2. Nelson Mary

    Yes, this is truly creepy. And scary. I don’t like my fellow humans that much. Or need anymore stuff.
    On Black Friday I sleep in. And for right after Christmas sales, I hide.
    Works for me.

    • Right? Who needs more ‘stuff’? I told Don that this year I’m going to spend ‘present’ money on good things to eat and drink from Trader Joe’s. And a little tree.

  3. Wolf Man

    Hear, hear. Never have I ever wanted to fight the good fight of the religious shopper.
    However, now that I think about it I think that may be a man thing mostly.
    But looking at all that stuff in the two house scenes makes me just want to go home and throw stuff out. Talk about creeping you out.
    Also did you notice the dirt in the corners and around the never washed drapes, not to mention the water damaged hole in the ceiling above the little boy’s head, who was sitting on the couch? My mean UUUUGHH.
    What say we make up some more give away boxes this Sunday along with a serious throw out session.
    Thank You my Love for opening my eyes to the religious tyranny of HOARDING. Amen

    • I would love that! You know I already have about four boxes ready to go, and haven’t been able to make the final move of actually donating them. Sounds like a plan. I love cleaning stuff out. Kisses!

  4. Nelson Mary

    All right you two, this is a kinda public forum here! Keep it cleanish.
    There is something cozy about cleaning out stuff together.

  5. Kat

    Yep, it’s creepy.

  6. Mickey Bencetích

    Hilarious! Merry Christmas!! XO

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