Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Memories

Pan Am And Allegiant Air: Lost At Sea And Looking For Bear

Pan Am and Allegiant Air jet emergency training included and does include emergency water landings. Every airline trains their flight service personnel in jet emergency. We were also trained in hotel crises, like surviving a fire, and what to do when room service stops. Which was often before we arrived on layover, hungry and tired.

In Pan Am’s jet emergency training, we learned to secure and open aircraft doors and to deploy the slides, get people out of a crashed plane if we were still conscious; administer first aid, put out fires, prepare the aircraft for emergency landings, including water landings, evacuations, survival at sea, and how to make more coffee for refills in the cockpit and cabin.

I was at our community pool for a regular work out the other day. Allegiant Air flight attendants were there for water emergency training.  There was an inflated life raft in the pool, and the flight attendants were wearing their life vests and bobbing in the water around the raft. Two hundred passengers were with them, still trying to figure out how to put on their life vests, while the flight attendants yelled instructions at them.

I kid; passengers weren’t there. They were enjoying their current flight somewhere in the wild blue yonder.

After a few minutes, the flight attendants climbed aboard the raft and sat around in a circle staring at each other. As per instructions, should this ever happen in real life, they began singing “Kumbaya, my Lord! Get me out of this and I’ll never ask you for anything again!”

Then they pulled the tarp up over the raft and roasted marshmallows and weenies. Not an easy task in a raft floating in a pool, but flight attendants are prepared for anything. The passengers objected to being called weenies.

pan am and allegiant air on

“Kumbaya, my Lord! Kumbaya!” Who’s got the marshmallows?

I was so incensed that I didn’t get to do this in Honolulu of all places, the place where we went for six weeks of training with Pan Am, a city surrounded by awesome beaches and water, that I came home and posted a demand for a Do Over to my former Pan Am buddies on Facebook.

A few replied that we had done it. We’d thrown the raft in the Holiday Inn pool, inflated it and climbed aboard, just like Allegiant Air did. I had no memory of doing this. I remember the entire week of jet emergency, using the bull horn to shout that the police were there and to “Come out with your hands up!” I remember learning the fire extinguishers, opening the mock up aircraft door and telling two other flight attendants, “You and you. Go to the bottom of the slide, help people off, and send them away. Repeat what you will do.”

We had to keep saying this to people because we knew all of them would run away to the terminal where they’d order a vodka martini and call home.

I sweated out the final exam, because I’d had so much fun all week, I’d failed to pay close attention to the stuff that would be on the test.

Even though I recall most of my jet emergency training, I’ve completely spaced the water day and getting to be on a raft. One flight attendant commented that he remembered the survival manual on board the raft  which was secured in a little supply box. He recalled a tidbit in the manual instructing us not to eat polar bear liver as it had too much vitamin K in it. Too much vitamin K is bad for you.

I will let a moment of silence ensue for that to sink in.

This was helpful? Were we going to be floating around in the Atlantic in our raft for so long that we’d have to learn to kill, skin, and cook polar bear? One bear liver can’t be enough to feed more than two people, probably two first class passengers, one of whom will whine they “Don’t like liver, do we have anything else?” He’s the one missing from the passenger roster and is still bobbing in the sea somewhere.

Sorry, Economy, you’re out of luck. You can have the pancreas and this dried piece of something I found on the floor of the raft. I think it’s an old weenie left over from our campfire.

How did they know we’d be stranded in the Frozen North? What about dumping us in the Caribbean? Warm waters, daiquiris, and only a few sharks here and there. Can we eat shark liver or is there too much iron in it? Did they include sunscreen on the raft? There were instructions for collecting rain water to drink, I know that.

pan am and allegiant air on

Dang, they’re here already? I didn’t even get to SEE a polar bear!

I want a copy of that manual. Because after my blood has thickened from too much vitamin K in the polar bear liver, I want to learn how to build an igloo and turn that polar bear into an awesome blanket. Maybe carve seal bone into spears.

Do not tell the powers that be where we’ve been floating for the last six months. I’m about to named head of our now native tribe of passengers and flight service, and I’m getting the hang of forming ice into blocks. You shoulda seen my first efforts. We laughed and used them in our drinks.

We’ve chosen a name for our tribe: The Panallegiant Tribe of Alaska. You’ll  recognize us. We have thick blood and wear life vests with strange logos on them.

Image result for polar bears and people

How do you do? We’re your new neighbors from Flight 178 to Houston. By the way, can you tell your kid not to eat my leg?


My Pan Am Years: The Smell of Jet Fuel and the Roar of the Passengers: How Time Flies, Especially On a 747 by [Wolf, Gigi]

My Pan Am book on Kindle!


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  1. Wolf Man

    Oh Baby, you are the Best. How you find Joy is all things.
    You are Kind and Considerate of others and always, always try to find the Joy in any situation.
    Which brings to mind the insanity of your detractors.
    These people must truly be miserable to continue to falsely attack you and continue on and on, to what possible benefit to themselves except a Dark and Crazy one?
    It has been said many times in many ways: Can’t we all just get along?

    Never mind my Love the important and sane people in your life Love you.
    Let the Crazies stew in their own caustic juices.

    • Thank you, honey. Your faith and support always help me along in life. You’re the best! XOXO! And often nicer than I am. :))

  2. Ranne

    How the heck were you supposed to kill the polar bears and sharks anyhow? Did you have guns and harpoons somewhere hidden away on the plane? Probably more use for hijackers!

    Kidding aside, I think I`d have learned more useful things from flight attendant training school than I did in college. But would they have accepted me with braces on my teeth?

    • I don’t know if braces would have been okay. I’m guessing they’d have told you to come back when they were taken off. I don’t think I ever saw a flight attendant with braces. That’s discrimination! Braces improve smiles!
      That must have been a generic survival manual, but what a hoot. Polar bear livers. Haha! When it comes to starving to death at the North Pole, or getting too much vitamin K, as good Boomers, we should forego the liver.

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