In the event your neighborhood is overrun by them, there are ways to prove you are not a zombie. There are zombies all over the place, lately. Not on the street where I live, obviously, or I’d be a lot more upset right now, and hardly able to write this. I might even be missing some key typing fingers.

No, these ubiquitous zombies are all over the television and movies.

Zombies are very popular and should be making some of the money from all this attention. But I’ll bet no one has thought of Zombie Profit Sharing. Zombies may not need the funds necessarily, but that’s for them to decide. They should have the right to earn money from their clueless efforts and then make brainless decisions on how to spend it, same as the rest of us.

At any rate, should zombies overrun the place, how would you prove you weren’t one to the non-zombie population who shoots first and asks questions later? Assuming they will even bother with questions.

If I was sitting here, as I usually am, wearing my raggedy old clothes, and hadn’t brushed my hair, my eyes barely open, it’s possible someone could mistake me for a zombie.

In fact, it’s happened a few times.

Zombies appear to be startled by noises that people make; nay, annoyed by them. They get angry enough to chase after said noise makers and dispatch them with all due haste. Sounds like me, alright. Just ask the noisy neighbors. If you can find them.

In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I’ve come up with 10 ways to prove you are not a zombie. (Just being able to sit still and read this might prove it, but I’m going to write the 10 Ways, anyhoo.)

1) Wear clean, non-raggedy clothes.

Considering what I just said about sitting around in bleach splattered tee shirts, fashion choices are important.

Zombies, for some odd reason, always have raggedy clothes. Whether their clothes get this way immediately after their ‘vessel’ becomes a zombie, or whether their clothes become that way from wandering the earth looking for brains to devour, is moot.

2) Oh, and don’t shamble, either.

Some zombies shamble, others seem to be qualified to run in the Olympic Games. Just to be on the safe side, train like an Olympic athlete, but walk with purpose the rest of the time.

Announce to everyone you pass that you’re on the way to the bank. Everyone knows zombies don’t have bank accounts. In fact, once people are zombies, what happens to their bank accounts?

I’m available as a beneficiary.

3) When you are on the internet, know your duties as a website visitor.

Web sites are always asking you to ‘prove you’re not a robot’. Since when did this become okay to ask someone? They can’t demand to know my race, age, gender, or my proclivities towards power tools, but they can demand to know whether I’m a robot?

What if I was a robot? I would have to live a life of deceit as I go through the captchas (the typing monitor suggested Caiaphas, and I don’t even know what those are, which probably proves I’m not a robot), and click on boxes trying to prove I’m ‘innocent’ of non-sentience.

This would stress me out no end. I would have to get an attorney from the ASPCA. No, the AARP. No, it’s the ACLU. That’s it. It stands for Apocalyptic Clients and Lawyers, Underwriters.

Tell random people you are capable of identifying pictures with bananas in them. They’ll gaze at you in alarm and edge away, but at least they’ll know you aren’t a zombie. Zombies aren’t interested in fruits and veggies.

4) Don’t express preferences for different foods.

If you say you like Swede-ish food, or Mexican, that’s a dead giveaway, if you’ll pardon the pun. Zombies are egalitarian in their appetites, if nothing else.

In fact, you might try telling tasteless jokes, or pretending to be a racist. For some, this won’t be difficult. All I’m saying is that zombies appear to be good people who don’t contribute to the world’s problems.

5) Be status conscious.

As a zombie, you’ll no longer have access to your stuff. In fact, you don’t go home anymore, and if someone drives by in your Ferrari, you won’t notice or care.

Brag endlessly about all the great things you own, and about your latest buys on Black Friday to prove you’re not a zombie. (Zombies sound kind of refreshing, at this point.)

6) Don’t talk about what you prefer in men or women.

Saying you’re a ‘leg man’, or that you like butts, can be taken out of context. Just pretend you don’t like people at ALL. That’s easy enough to do. Going around proclaiming you’re a ‘people person’ will get your head chopped off.

By the way, have you ever seen a sexy zombie? I haven’t. Why is that?

7) Make sure you have a pulse.

I’ve never seen anyone take a zombie’s pulse. Are they really ‘un-dead’? Did they die and re-animate? I don’t know. I know more about vampires, but that’s for another post.

Here’s a question to ask yourself: If someone were to do an autopsy on you, would you feel it?

8) Don’t stuff yourself at dinner.

Can zombies eat until they’re groaning like they’ve just been to a buffet at the Golden Corral? They don’t wear belts to hold up those raggedy pants, and I’ve never, ever seen a fat zombie. Peculiar, don’t you agree?

Don’t pick your teeth with a femur, either. (If you see a funny zombie, it’s because they like the humerus.)

9) Be gainfully employed.

Are you a practicing attorney, or doctor, or work as a cashier at Albertson’s? If you aren’t, get your butt off the couch, and find a job.

I’ve never seen zombies engaged in productive activities. I think someone should put them to work building bridges and cleaning the highways of trash, but until that happens, you can’t relax at home in peace. You must find a job.

10) Move to a new town.

Go where no one knows your name, and where your shambling gait and your raggedy clothing is normal. We used to live in Ertia, New Mexico, because no one ever did anything there, and we liked that.

No one ever mistook us for being zombies, either.

Please follow and like us: