ChezGigi

Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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How To Wiretap Anyone’s Phone And Find Out If Yours Is Bugged, Too

If you want to know how to wiretap anyone’s phone, and you like the idea of surveillance with a spot of treason, I can give you a few ideas on how to do it even if they live in a tower. If your quest to gather intel is to screw up someone’s chances at the White House, once your target gets there, scrap any plans you have to bug phones and rooms there.

You don’t really want to know, y’know?

Before the next election, all candidates will be required to meet at the White House with a little suitcase and their teeth whiteners, and do a 12 month sleep over. They should be sure and put their names in the waistband of their underwear and bring plenty of jammies. No nudity allowed.

The Election Sleepover, the newest thing in reality shows, will make it possible to keep an eye on everyone. It’ll be the Big Brother, so to speak, of the presidential election. No one will be able to carry on any election shenanigans behind the American people’s collective backs.

We can vote the candidates out as the election year progresses. Each evening, all of the candidates will meet in the Oval Office and we, the viewing public and constituents, will vote one of them off the show each night. “Go back home, loser! Better luck next time! Thanks for playing, and don’t forget to pack your recording devices.”

As for wiretapping and whether you’re a victim of it, according to Wiki How — my go-to source for all things surveillance related — the following are ways to determine if your own phone is tapped, in case you want to run for prez, exactly as written in italics, I kid you not:

  1. Note initial suspicions, such as secrets getting out or a previous burglary.

Secrets getting out? A previous burglary?

If I find out that people know about my previous burglaries, heads are gonna roll. I really don’t have too many other secrets. If you find nude pictures of me from thirty years ago, please share. I mean, thirty years ago I was one tasty dish.

    2.  Look out for background noise, static, interference, even if your phone is not in use.

Background noise, static, and interference, even when my phone is not in use, is a given around here. I hear ringing in my ears, constant background noise from the neighbors, and interference? Have I got interference. I’m calling the cops.

     3. Take care with cell phones. Pay attention to the battery temperature and life, random activity, and phone bills.

How does one check their phone’s battery temperature? I’d like to see that thermometer. And if someone is tapping my phone and then making random calls to Escort Services and Sexy Chat Rooms of America on MY time, I’m going to be seriously ticked.

You’d have to be the worst spy in the world to make calls to Tiffany, that sexy woman in the commercials that come on at 2am (the one who says she’s “waiting for your call” and who’s wearing a nightie that covers one breast and nothing else), on the phone you’ve wiretapped.

Of course, it’s possible Trump made that hour long call to Tiffany. I wonder if they’re serious about each other?

   4. Be cautious with landlines. Note anything out of place in your home, including the phone box outside.

There’s a phone box outside? Now that I know about it, where is it, and how do I know if it’s out of place? Move that compressor, rake, shovel, and old washer aside, so I can see.

And note anything out of place in your home? Haha! Well, one thing that would be out of place in our house is a landline phone.

Otherwise, fifty wiretapping mofos disguised as salsa dancing Carmen Mirandas could have been running around in my house for an hour, and I wouldn’t notice if “anything was out of place.” I’d just blame the mess they made on the mouse in the house. Who’s probably a spy, now that I think about it.

   5. Confirm your suspicions with a tap detector or a specialized app. Ask your phone carrier for help or go to the police.

Go the police. Of course. They’re the ones I called before about one thing or another. My vehicle was stolen once. Cops? Never showed. Neighbors were on the verge of a shoot out. Cops? Never showed. A stalker was threatening me. Cops? I’ll give you one guess.

If I call them because I think my phone is tapped, they’ll dine out on that for a week.

“Hey, that lady down the street called. You know the one. She said she saw unexplained dirty cups in the sink and the laundry detergent was left out. She hears static even when she isn’t using her phone, and she says someone found out she’d cheated on her diet. Wants to report a possible wiretapping on her phone. Whaddya think, Fred? Fred? You choking on something?”

The problem here is to not only how to find out if your own phone is tapped, but to learn how to get in a secure place and wiretap someone else’s phone with them none the wiser. I have some ideas for that. No worries. 

1) Pretend to be the cable guy.

Don’t show up too early or you’ll tip off your target. Tell them you’ll be there around 2, but show up at ten minutes to five to keep it real.

2) The Land Shark is the perfect cover.

Your target answers the door, the Land Shark gets them, and any talking they do is moot after that.

How to wiretap anyone's phone on chezgigi.com

3) Dress up as the Fuller Brush man.

Or the Encyclopedia Britannica man. But have a product to sell. A secondhand bookstore might have a set of encyclopedias. Try not to let the target see that the set is from the Cold War era.

4) Be a representative of the Young Republicans.

Wear a tie. The Young Democrats wear jeans and tie-dyed tee shirts.

Be sure and talk to the person who answers the door about the “immigrant problem” and how you want to build a wall, and stuff like that. Be prepared to be named a Cabinet member when this person sees how knowledgeable you are.

Be not of faint heart, though; once you’re Secretary of Defense, you can do all the wiretapping you want.

5) Knock on Trump’s door (if you’re in the Trump Tower), at 8am on a Sunday.

Bring along a kid dressed in a business suit and carry a copy of The Watchtower. Push your way in with promises of eternal life and statues of him erected in Times Square. Trump will like that.

6) Pretend to be The Sunshine Carpet Cleaning Company

If this works, please brainwash the resident while you’re cleaning their carpets. Tell him Commies are bad news and they NEVER go to heaven.

7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

This is how you should dress:

I realize you may be a man, but do you want to bug the man’s place, or not? Just don’t bend over to plant one under a table, or you might get something planted somewhere, too.

8) You could sell coupon booklets.

You know those booklets. You get all kinds of fun discounts in them. The booklet you sell should have several pages of tanning booth discounts. Tell your target all proceeds go to the care and feeding of the Kids of the KKK, who are notoriously left behind in school.

Something about sheets blocking their view of the board.

9) Be a window washer

This is guaranteed to work, trust me on this. It’s worked in every movie I’ve ever seen. As you can see, it was used on President Obama, which is where he got the idea:

10) The target got your mail, and you got his, and isn’t that a meet cute?

Grab a bunch of your junk mail, and trot right over to your target’s door. Tell him you got his copy of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, and you want your spring issue of Guns and Ammo.

Bonne chance!

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. Will Jennings

    Dear FBI, Justice Department, NSA, CIA, or anyone else is listening to my phone calls, reading my e-mails, and following my internet searches and/or my car:

    Welcome to my life. Bored yet?

    • Dear Mr. Man Whose Listening to Mr. Jennings phone calls, etc:
      It’s all a ruse. The man’s an animal! A machine! He should be a weapon for the US military! Whoa.

  2. Alfredo Perozo

    Burglary. What a woody sort of word…

    Outstanding advice by the way, Gigi. Shall change my plans accordingly.

    As for the White House Election Sleepover idea, reality-show style, it’s an excellent. To anyone reading this, I highly recommend you adopt it. I may not be qualified to say this, but it’s not like it really matters anymore.

    P.S.: It’s not treason, Gigi, it’s “alternative allegiance”…

    • Hahaha! Alternative allegiance! What a hoot.

      I love the reality show idea, too. Considering more people voted for American Idol singers than in national elections, this will get everyone involved. It’s perfect, I tell you.

      As for your disguise, you are the mysterious Sr. Perozo, who has just moved into the Trump Tower from South America. You may, or may not, have ties to er, you know, WWII bad guys from Germany….

      His interest will be piqued, and you will have an ‘in’. Go for it! If that doesn’t work, try the Girl Scout uniform. Snort.

      • Alfredo Perozo

        Bahahah! The Girl Scout uniform, say wot? Eh, I think the Sr.Perozo disguise will work just fine. Just a few mojitos and I’ll have him in my pocket. Maybe I can convince him we are some kind of tax heaven; we could use some Murican monies right now. I suspect that my *supposed* German ties would be an advantage, I’m sure he’s looking for people with experience, you know. Also I’ll shake his hand Justin Trudeau style, just to be safe.

        • That’s what I think, too. A small goatee, a neat little mustache, and your intriguing, sexy accent. I’ll have to check out this handshake. Does money change hands?

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