Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe

Justice Court: Hey Ho, Hey Ho, It’s Off To Court I Went

Did Justice Court grant my restraining and protection order against the internet stalker? Yes, they did!

I hadn’t been to justice court since 2002 after my mom died and I had to go for a probate hearing. I’ve been to the Las Vegas Justice Court twice now for a temporary protection order hearing against my stalker-cum-harasser who left me obscene and threatening messages for weeks and weeks.

Is that how you use the word ‘cum’? It looks kind of obscene, too. I looked it up and it’s correct the way I used it, but geez. I hate it in this context.

My skin is crawling! Come back here, skin!

justice court hearing

It’s such an adventure going down to court. The hoi polloi of Vegas society hangs out there. It’s quite stimulating. I met up with my homeless guy friend again. Right on schedule, he was searching through the trash bins located outside the courthouse.

He remembered me!

He’d wondered aloud last month when he saw me waiting for my ride why I wasn’t wearing a jacket that day, but our Vegas December wasn’t so tough. Then, this last Thursday, as I was waiting for my guy to pick me up after the second hearing, my rather grizzled friend walked up next to me because I was sitting near his last bin.

I reminded him we’d spoken before, and he said, ‘We must be hexes, because each time we meet the m———–g wind is blowing.”

How romantic is that?

justice court

The first time I went to court, I found out that stealing shopping carts occupies way too much of our system’s time. An older man, in a Two and Half Men Charlie-type shirt, was telling his attorney why he felt it necessary to steal them.

He didn’t really have a good excuse, I must say. I wouldn’t like to try his case. I mean, how many shopping carts does one person really need? Maybe two, tops.

There were a bunch of prisoners in brown outfits sitting in the front of the court, mostly men, two women behind them. One was a very young woman, who was crying and looked very distressed. Maybe it was her first time there.

At my hearing there was a fourth grade class and their teachers visiting jail and court. One boy told the bailiff, as they all trooped into the court room, that jail was ‘scary, and he didn’t want to go back there!’

I’ve never even seen the inside of a jail. It isn’t fair. I don’t remember going on field trips like this. Once in the fifth grade, my class went to a concert, but I don’t remember much about it. I’d remember a trip to jail in the fifth grade.

They sat down and listened to my case, and showed great interest in a 61 year-old man harassing someone he doesn’t know via the internet. I hope the lesson was well taken, and that they don’t grow up to be just like him. The class trooped out after, and I got to listen to the case of two women, one of which was harassing the other, her former sister in-law.

She’d told the woman’s five year old daughter to ‘tell your mother I’m going to kick her ass.’ The mother’s. Not the five year-old’s. Isn’t that charming? The little girl didn’t want to go to school, anymore.

Maybe this aunt and Stalker Man could get together for coffee and compare notes.

I don’t know what she was burned about, seeing as how the other woman was married for a short time to her brother twenty years before. What could be so bad after all that time?

I had to leave before I could hear the end of the story. I didn’t hear the Kicker’s excuse for behaving like a 61 year old man. So, I’m free to wonder about that.

And the judge! What a hoot he was. Told me he still used a rotary phone. I don’t know whether that’s true, but all in all, he was very sympathetic. He granted my restraining order and I’ll soon be going back to ask for a permanent protection order.

I also got to try a schwarma. It’s delicious!

It’s really spelled shawarma, but it sounds so Jewish, like calling someone ‘a schwarma’, that I prefer my spelling.

“You’re a schwarma, Finkelstein. Get over yourself.”

It works.

I’d been smelling this divine scent drifting in the wind while I was waiting outside, close to lunch time. There’s a Mediterranean restaurant across the street. I’d been wanting to try a shawarma since Robert Downey mentioned it in one of the Justice League movies.

“Let’s take a day,” he tells his fellow superheroes, when the intergalactic battle has wound down. “Get some shawarma.”

Sounded good to me. Justice League? Justice Court?

Coincidence? I don’t think so.


Edit: I received two envelopes returned from the stalker to show me he’s not a-scared of the Big, Bad Wolf. He scrawled Hate-O-Gram messages all over them to show what a riot he is.

Too bad people can’t arrested for not knowing how to spell. Which is it? Wich or witch? Both? Foundacion? What is that?

The return address says:

Neener, Neener and Assoc. LLC

123 Nice Try St.

Great Big Ego Fail, CA.

The envelope with the certified mail receipts is even more clever, if you can believe it. It says:

Big Baby Wolf (presumably because I take being harassed and threatened very seriously)

c/o Legend in her own mind

He added the personal messages as a bonus, for me to show the judge when I go back for a permanent protection order:


He claims he didn’t send this back to me nor did he use the US mail in this shoddy fashion. Because random strangers ALWAYS do this:

“Honey, I’m off to the post office! I found this envelope addressed to our neighbor, and I’m going to scrawl hate messages all over it and send it right back to this gigi person. You know how I LOVE going to the post office and waiting in line! Home soon!”






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  1. Will Jennings

    Maybe I should strike “What do you think of this m—–g wind?” from my list of ‘pick-up lines, huh?

    By the way. Is the past tense of “cum”, “caam” or “cumed”? Like if a person is a stalker but no longer an harasser, are they called ‘stalker-cumed-harasser”?

    • I don’t know, but any man who says ‘an harasser’ knows what he’s talking about! IS there a past tense of the word? It’s Latin and you studied Latin didn’t you, in your various guises as a professional this and that?

      And I’ll help you come up with better pick up lines. Anything’s better than that. That guy was out of practice.

  2. Ranne

    I actually prefer falafel to schwarma because all the schwarma I saw cooking in the streets of the Middle East had flies on it. Flies were less fond of chickpea balls (falafel) in hot fat vats.

    I`ve never seen inside a jail, either. My school trips were always to capital monuments covered with graffiti, or movies of Shakespearean plays. Really not fair, I agree!

    • Falafel is wonderful! And hummus. I used to eat the shepherd’s pies in Australia that were covered in flies. Maybe I built up an immunity? We’ll have to go to jail together, Ms. R. As visitors, of course.

  3. Jayesh

    Shawarma?! I hardly know ya!

    Robert Downey Jr.’s house exploded too. I hope your stalker doesn’t have a helicopter

    • Jayesh! I just read your comment to Don and he is cracking up! You are so funny!

      I don’t think the guy has a ‘copter, but if he does, and comes around, he’ll be arrested. Can’t be in my airspace, either! Haha!

  4. Mystery W.

    Oh my goodness, Gigi. How in the world do you manage to turn such a grave issue into a rib tickling, yet heart-striking post!? You outdo yourself every day.
    I truly agree with the part about the kids learning from your case presentation; it’ll probably make them think twice before getting up to the kind of antics a certain senior citizen has. (This guy is such a schwarma through and through)
    I recommend the red shakshuka. It’s amaaazing. Its like a tomato onion gravy with feta cheese and other stuff. (I’m drooling now)
    Gigi, you’ve got such an air of wholesome friendshipness about you, that even a total unknown stranger homeless doesn’t hesitate to strike up conversation with you. How in the world do you do this?
    You got me awestruck, Lady.

    • Mystery Woman! I was just thinking about you today! No lie! How are you? I hope all is well with you and your studies. I miss you! And thank you so much. We’re all equal under the sun, is the way I see it. Except for you know who. Hahaha! He IS a schwarma!

      Shakshuka? I’ve never heard of this. Is it Mediterranean? I’ll keep an eye out. I’m so happy you’re still among us!


    Oh Honey,You are the Best. You can find humor and Joy in about anything you do or see.
    I Love you so much.

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