This just in:
Several conspiracy theory enthusiasts disappear from ‘B’ deck while discussing which foods on board haven’t been ‘tampered with’ by the government.
There’s a special cruise for EVERYBODY, including conspiracy theory enthusiasts, we’ll call ’em. And if there isn’t a cruise available for you, I want to know who’s responsible.
I just read an article about the Conspir-A-Sea Cruise in Popular Mechanics. Well, that’s the name on the cover. It may have been disguised. It might have been Dog Fanciers of New England, or Manure Specialists, Inc.
You cannot trust ANY magazine. You heard it here, first.
No matter how the journalist who wrote the article tried, he could not make these cruisers sound like people you’d want working at NASA, or running the PTA. Or sitting on guard in the missile silos.
On the other hand, Popular Mechanics writers are probably like doctors. Only surgery and pharmaceuticals are acceptable paths to wellness, or at least less sickness, and anything else is dismissed as Hooey.
I suspect this journalist thinks that all conspiracy theories are hooey, but that could be the voices chiming in in my head. They’re always insinuating themselves.
The conspiracy enthusiasts paid three grand, not including airfare and beverages, to be on this cruise, even though I heard from my voices you could get it cheaper with another travel agency. Most of them were laid up with sea sickness.
Coinky dink? I don’t think so. Many enthusiasts were too sick to attend many of the lectures. All kinds of seasickness on a HUGE cruise ship. Where did the rough seas come from? I don’t believe rough seas just pop up out nowhere. Uh-uh.
(Keep in mind I’m the first to hatch this theory, so when you start buying some book or tee shirt, remember that.)
The Navy, in cooperation with Hasbro and the Trident Chewing Gum people, have developed an ENORMOUS tea bell. You thought I was going to say ‘weapon’ or something, huh?
(Why? Did someone TELL you I was gonna say that?)
These conspiracy theory enthusiasts traveled to the ship which would take them away, most probably to the Bermuda Triangle, but not before going to two other cities first, to throw off the scent. When they reached their ship, they slunk aboard dressed in heavy overcoats and mufflers.
They also took rooms that were NOT the ones on their keys. We don’t know who those passengers were who were really in their rooms.
The cruisers didn’t know or care who was in their rooms. They just wanted to be safe from surveillance. No one was watching them, but try telling them that. No one wants to see the intimate moments of a conspiracy theory enthusiast.
They refuse to undress in case The Rapture happens unexpectedly. They don’t brush their teeth because toothpaste is an unknown quantity. They can’t find the proper wavelength on their radios to go to sleep, and they aren’t sure who to pray to. Their deities include The Illuminati, just to be on the safe side.
They read unsettling books just before drifting off, and are therefore unable to drift off. They can’t make love to their partners, because they’ve heard that implanted chips, inserted while getting their tonsils removed, can make their way through the system and implant themselves via bodily fluids.
Their spouse will then be able to empty the joint bank account and sell the house with ‘their permission’, meaning they’ll be able to sign their spouse’s name perfectly.
It’s all very complicated, and I’d advise you to not think about it too much.
I went to Wikepedia, my go-to source for all things clandestine, and looked at some of the more popular conspiracies. Many of them turned out to be true. Just like when you found out your parents were lying to you about the dangers of swallowing your gum, or there being a tooth fairy, or that Santa knows if we’ve been bad or good.
Well, he did know. And there really were or are, conspiracies.
Of course, the more popular one becomes, the more accepted the theory, until it virtually becomes a well-known fact that postal workers are indeed aliens, and are reading your mail even as it’s being sorted at the post office.
Just like in the documentary, Men in Black.