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Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Love, Sex, Romance and All of That

DMV Outlaws Holes And Vanity Plates Because They’re The Devil’s Playground

The DMV outlaws holes and vanity plates to eradicate…. Well, I don’t know what they hope to eradicate.

Let’s go with: The DMV outlaws holes and vanity plates on the grounds of moral turpitude.

They have not specified which holes in particular are deviant and offensive; I went out today with several of mine, and was not stopped by law enforcement, although new laws sometimes require a cushion to become ‘dug in’.

dmv outlaws holes and vanity plates on chezgigi.com

Do not worry about your holes; they are safe from prosecution for the time being.

I’ve even taken to standing on my head outside, which is good for blood flow, but when I’m wearing a skirt or a dress, I attract quite a few curious onlookers. They ask me what I think I’m doing at my age, walking around parking lots and streets on my hands.

I just tell them I like a womb with a view.

What I’m really ‘up to’ when I’m upside down outside and entertaining the troops as it were, is looking at vanity plates to determine which ones are offensive or not, just in case the DMV missed one that day.

I even go above and below, and check all plates.

holes and vanity plates outlawed by the dmv on chezgigi.com

I am not alone in my endeavor. The DMV, whose employees all appear to be standing upright, but only when I’m upside down, has recently required them to go out and stand on their heads to look at recently issued plates.

This state of affairs, which require holes more often than not, came to my attention today when I discovered a man had his vanity plate rescinded by his DMV because if you looked at it upside down, it spelled ASSHOLE.

Upside down, it looks like a perfectly ordinary plate, and if someone had not been on their toes, or in this case their head, it would have gone unremarked, despoiling our youth and offending our sensibilities on the roads and byways that we have paid for with our tax dollars.

holes and vanity plates on chezgigi.com

As you can see from the above picture, the owner of this car has parked it on its roof, in order to send the DMV a message.

Because the DMV likes to shoot from the hip and they are always on their toes, making standing on their heads very difficult, everyone is now required to drive upside down.

If you try to pull a fast one, they will find out. They’re getting dizzy and disoriented, although its hard to tell the difference, but they will know if you try to slip one by them.

Taxpayers know immediately who DMV employees are when they’re upside down in back of cars, and they sneak up and tip them over. This leaves the employees vulnerable to becoming road kill.

That is reminiscent of my choice recently for a vanity plate: LLIK DAOR.

It was rejected by the DMV!

I really do enjoy licking doors, as do others, evidenced by the fact that the traditional spellings of DOOR and LICK were already taken when I checked this plate out. I’m always holding onto door frames when I’m cooking dinner, so the residue of what I’ve cooked is left there.

If I want to get a taste of a typical menu in our house, I know where to go, since everyone around here insists that I don’t cook. So there was nothing deviant about my choice of spelling, at all.

There is a lot of development going on around this town, but I thought it was due to a resurgence in the economy.

I called a developer to find out. He told me that while it may appear as if neighborhoods and offices are being built, his tractors and bulldozers are busy filling in holes.

There were a great many complaints about the offensiveness of depressions in the ground, and through an agreement with the Taliban, Chevrolet, Ford, and the National Parks, which caters to families, all builders and developers have agreed not to dig any more holes and to fill in existing ones.

“This has really put out my wife,” said the developer I talked to, who wished to remain anonymous.

“But I made a promise to our government to fill all holes, and by God, I intend to do it.”

4 Comments

  1. Terry E. Cohen

    Cracked me up! At first, I thought it meant holes like those my husband punched in the front plate of his Miata years ago. Cured the overheating problem immediately. Bent it a bit, too. Trooper stops him for no front plate. “Oh, it’s there officer. There’s no regulation against it being a little chewed up. You can still read it, even.” Trooper checks out the plate, starts laughing and lets him go.

    Moral of the story: Never settle for plain old holes when large, avant garde perforations are the way to a trooper’s heart.

    • gigi wolf

      Haha! We have cars coming in and out of the family all the time. One was licensed as a ‘Diplomat’ car.

      The guy who had it and sold or traded it to Don swore he never got stopped.

      I was pulled over within days. Diplomat my arse!

  2. William Jennings

    I love your choice of a vanity plate. I would get ‘coconut oil’ if it would fit. [inside joke].

    By the way, the people in the picture standing outside the DMV all had appointments. (Check the sign).

    • gigi wolf

      Sure they did! I still had to wait at least an hour. And the woman told me not to wait in that line. The other would be faster. Ha!

      Seven letters? How’s about CoCoNut?

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