Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Internet Stuff, Love, Sex, Romance and All of That

Alien Butt-Probing: WHAT Are They Looking For?

Aliens butt-probing, according to reports, means aliens are looking for something. The question is, what? What does this odd practice say about them? I will tell you what alien butt-probing means and what it says about aliens and their planets.

These alleged alien butt-probers are the Buttekisses (pronounced by-oot-ah-kiss-es.) They fly around in those long cigar shaped spaceships; I know that for a fact. Just before landing, every single porthole (snicker, porthole) window has a ‘moon’ plastered against it.

Moon, men! Moon!

To a man (or whatever) they drop trou and press their booties up against the windows in a salute to the species of whatever planet on which they’re landing. It’s a tradition that’s been upheld for centuries.

The alien butt-probing skies look like this. Is it any wonder they love butts? Moons are an integral part of their culture.

Moons are our thing, man.

Their traditional greeting may seem strange to us, but that’s our judgmental nature. They started doing it to show they came in peace and to prove they had nothing to hide. Anywhere.

As a matter of fact, it was they who introduced the prison system to Earth, and that is why when you’re arrested, you have to bend over and let big ugly people check to see that you’re not hiding a gun up your keester. It’s also the reason the Buttekisses jump sky high whenever anyone toots. Kind of a nervous species.

The forbidding landscape of their planet, Buttetush, will look familiar to people who have traveled to the West and Southwest United States:

The Buttes.

These are known as buttes. Typically, they’re flat on top to allow Buttekiss spaceships to land.

Since many peoples of the universe shape their culture according to what they see around them, the Buttekiss spaceships were shaped like turkey basters, and they devised tools that mimicked this:

The Butte Plugs.

Tools fashioned like these formations are known as Butteplugs. They’re the inspiration for the probes so beloved of the abducted folk. Those folk weren’t being examined; they were being fondled and loved tenderly in the only way the Buttekisses knew how.

If we’d only known we could have given them special seats wherever they went.

According to radio transmissions from Earth that were intercepted by the Buttekisses since the early part of the last century, they knew we were friendly, receptive beings because we named our nearby neighbors UrAnus and SatUrn. They figured Mercury was code for something, and the answer to it was stored in our rectal thermometers.

The Buttekisses left behind undercover agents from their first visit millions of years ago. Some of their kin think these agents are bottom feeders, but they’re emissaries who send messages back to the mother ship. You can spot them by their odd behavior. They’re experts at gathering intel and exchanging information with each other.

Below is Rear Admiral Twerk giving orders to Tail Gunner Skid Mark, a hero from the last interplanetary mission:

Rear Admiral Twerk and Tail Gunner Skid Mark

Little known facts about the great benefits the Buttekisses from the planet Buttetush left us on previous visits, they gave us:

Footballs, SCUBA tanks, tampons, pacifiers, and jackhammers. Hoo, boy.

And what other reason could this possibly have other than being a gift of love from the Buttekisses to the Bums of planet Earth?:

Thank you for the gift, Alien Butt Probers!


Please follow and like us:
Follow by Email


  1. Terry E. Cohen

    This funny piece of your should go hand in hand with this alien tune, which includes butt-probing:

  2. Wow. That was fucking magnificent. I think we may be long lost sisters.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Theme by Anders Norén

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)