Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Internet Stuff, Love, Sex, Romance and All of That

Homicide And The Budget Deficit: Or, A Murder Occurs!

Who knew homicide and Book Bub might solve our budget deficit problem?

Solving the budget deficit through homicide might seem counter intuitive, because if we kill off all our citizens, there’ll be fewer people to tax and we won’t be able pay our congress people, or senators, or whoever.

amateur sleuth and homicide on

Let me ‘splain further.

I saw a poster on a social media wall that told me that for the new year(this was a while back) I should Leave My Comfort Zone. The person who posted it thought the beginning of a new year was the perfect opportunity to do this leaving thing.

My reaction when I read this is that I work hard to stay in my comfort zone.

I’m not leaving it unless there’s a Zombie Apocalypse. There was one of those, but it bypassed my house due to high winds. People who wear ragged clothing are frequently blown away in a high wind.

My comfort zone is pretty big.

It encompasses wherever I happen to be sitting at any one time. Occasionally, I’m tempted to leave it to solve a murder, but I’m too lazy to do much about that.

If you’re laughing because you doubt that I could solve a homicide or two, I have proof positive that it’s ordinary citizens like myself that solve most of them.

I subscribe to Book Buddy (This is an alias for the REAL service I subscribe to, Book Bub. Keep their real identity on the down low.)

They send me an email every single day about books that are free or deeply discounted, somewhere around twice as much as it costs to borrow them from the library, if the library carried books anymore.

The library still carries books. Chill.

Most of these titles in Book Buddy are mysteries. Their titles have the word murder, or homicide, or death, or corpse in them.  (Corpse is another word for a dead ballet company. Hahahaha! That’s a BOGO- a murder for the sleuth, and a stupid pun for me.)

Moving on.

The main character in these murder mysteries is a bookstore owner, or a little old lady who knits or gardens, or a middle-aged divorcee with small dogs, or an English teacher in Anytown, Anywhere.

These people are the brave and intelligent ordinary citizens who set out to solve a murder, and find out ‘who dunnit’ when one invariably occurs in their vicinity.

These people could be a major movie stars, and I wouldn’t hang out with them. They’re always around when a homicide happens. I don’t know why they aren’t under closer scrutiny by the cops.

amateur sleuths and homicide on

‘Uh, Miss. I’ve seen you before, haven’t I? Weren’t you the one who ‘solved’ that murder last week, and the one the month before that, both of which took place in YOUR bookstore under the ‘M’ and the ‘H” respectively?’

There are so many of these amateur sleuths, that I began to wonder why we bother with law enforcement.

Until I remembered that law enforcement exists to make sure both your taillights are in working order. You’d think little old ladies could take care of this responsibility, too. But no, they’re all away solving homicides, instead of shaking their fingers at drivers.

Just today and yesterday, these are the titles I’ve received in my inbox:

Aunt Bessie Decides

I don’t know what she ultimately decides, but she’s a little old lady attending a Shakespearean festival with friends when a murder occurs. An actor is murdered right during the performance!

Aunt Bessie must solve the murder before The Twelfth Night or whenever their reservation is up, whichever comes first.

Assault and Pepper

This is a cute title, and one I already thought of a long time ago. Except that the woman who owns a spice shop is named Pepper. A murder occurs and she finds the dead body, otherwise known as a ‘corpse’, on the doorstep of her shop.

So naturally, she is pulled into the investigation and will ultimately solve the murder because she uses turmeric, which is good for you. And gingko biloba.

A Plantation Shudders

This is a cute title, too, but I didn’t think of it first. The lady in this book goes to Louisiana to help in her family’s B and B, when a murder occurs.

Actually, two murders. Two of the guests are killed and she has to solve the murders before she goes to jail for the crime. I’m not sure why she would kill two paying guests, virtually assuring that they won’t return, but maybe she wanted to collect their Social Security checks.

Next time, hire outside the family, people.

A Gilded Grave

Deanna goes to Rhode Island to attend a ball thrown by a ‘lord and his sister’ (why are there lords and their sisters in Rhode Island?), and a murder occurs.

First of all, Deanna should have known better. Murders always occur at balls. I’m not sure why; perhaps it’s the stress of people having to change out of their sweatpants and tee shirts into tuxedos and ball gowns.

She has to solve the murder and clear her former fiancé of suspicion. I don’t know whether the lord was her former fiancé, but if he was, I’d let him go to jail. Lords don’t belong in Rhode Island. He probably can afford a great attorney, anyway.

To make up for my personal lack in solving homicides, I can perhaps solve the budget deficit problem in one fell swoop.

We should fire all homicide detectives, but keep them on a consulting basis only. It’s clear we don’t need them. Ordinary people from all walks of life can do the grunt work of solving murders.

Now I’m going back to my comfort zone and hope that a murder doesn’t occur in it.

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  1. Mystery W.

    Oh my goodness, Gigi, I’m crying! This was splendid! Superb! Now I’m imagining prim, curly blonde ladies in a pearl choker and an apron hunting around with a magnifying glass.
    Somehow, stories like this always happen to involve a bell boy, a maid, a police constable and the elderly gentleman next for. And it’s ultimately the bell boy’s cousin’s half brother’s friend who is Found Guilty. A dog would’ve died in the process, and this is what nearly convinces our Suburban Mom to give up her sleuth life.
    Gingko biboka! I suspect those are not real words, at all. Also, a real spice shop murder is best titled “The Cinnamon Murders: A Clove Jones Mystery #4”
    Hilarious post, Gigi! Loved it to bits!

    • gigi wolf

      Thank you, Mystery Woman! Thank you so much. It’s truly amazing how many amateur sleuths are out there. And Miss Marple and Nancy Drew started it all.

      Clove Jones and The Cinnamon Murders is inspired. Stealing it! xx

      • Mystery W.

        Oh yes, you’re right! Agatha Christie, you’ve changed family dynamics! Now Regular Old Mom isn’t just that, she’s a secret Super Sleuth who’s investigating while her pot roast’s in the oven.
        The title was inspired by The Holy You, so it’s all yours to take!

        • gigi wolf

          Hey, thanks Mystery W! The new mom is even more amazing than the Vintage Mom, who built airplanes for WWII and solved murders in her spare time!


    Oh My Darling, as always you see these things through a side show pane of glass a little upside down and twisted but oh so inspired and Hilarious. You are the best my Queen. However I feel we should immediately adopt Mystery W as our reigning Princess as she too is inspired and hugely

    • gigi wolf

      You’re right. And we’ll make her do all the housework, in between solving mysteries. hahahaha!
      Thank you, honey!

  3. Terry Cohen

    Those book descriptions are quite accurate, Ms. Wolf. It is obvious to me that you have a new career ahead of you as a sleuth. Or a murderer. Because I laughed so hard at those book descriptions, it was killing me!

    What fun to be had when a pristine doily is the dead giveaway!

    • gigi wolf

      Terry! It woiks, woiks! I was worried.

      Do you get Book Bub? It is a hoot, sometimes.

      I really had to wonder: A)Why have I never found a dead body; and B) Why do we bother with the police when they don’t seem to be solving crimes?

      My secret fantasy is to be an amateur sleuth or like Mrs. Pollifax and become a CIA agent. sigh….

      • Terry Cohen

        No Book Bub for me right now. My email box overfloweth already.

        You would be a lovely sleuth, jetting about, causing the guilty to laugh and reveal themselves…or maybe everyone else would be laughing and the straight-faced one is the dirty deed doer.

  4. Jayesh Lalwani

    We need grandmas to solve crimes to keep them from putting their nose in everyone’s business. Keeps them busy, you know.

    Keeping granny busy is practically a public service.

    • gigi wolf

      Boy, I’ll say! It would help keep me out of trouble. Great idea, Jayesh. I’m going to call the mayor today, and pass it by him.

      If there aren’t enough murders to keep us all busy, we’ll have to ask people to step forward. Hahahahaha!

      Thank you for your service, sir!

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