Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

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Scientology: The Sacred Church Of The Holy Dust Motes

We should all start our own church. I did. It’s similar to Scientology; the Sacred Church of the Holy Dust Motes.

I read a book about the Church of Scientology and was quite taken with the concept of space aliens and odd fellows. I went to my attic, wondering the while about the mysteries of the universe and why I thought I would find the answers to them in the rafters.

A solitary fly buzzed by to land all unwitting on the windowsill. The sun was streaming in the window and lighting up the dust motes, which were floating about, looking odd.

the church scientology on

The dust motes floated and lingered, moving about in a non-random manner, and began to tickle my nose.

At first I thought it was just my outer consciousness thinking about cleaning, which I do eighty percent of the time. I took over a sixth period world geography class one day, gave the kids their assignment, and spent the next ten minutes straightening up the absent teacher’s desk.

I don’t know why I’m compelled to do such things. Some teachers probably return and create voodoo dolls of the Sub Who Cleaned, because they can’t find their empty paper cup with the congealed remains of coffee, lipstick smears around the rim, that I found under their desk.)

The dust motes shone in the noon day sun and resolved themselves into a shape. A shape at once frightening and divine.

For lo! They had formed a great, strange shape of something that may have been human, may have been superhuman.

The groovy thing about the motes is that they formed a shape with part of the dust cloud and formed words with the other part. The words the motes formed said, “See me, and bow down with dust cloths.”

scientology on

Overcome with awe, I prostrated myself upon the dusty floor and awaited further instructions from the Great Mote Cloud. In the silence the Mote began to speak to me. I cannot tell you what the Mote uttered, for it is not for me to reveal until further notice.

Every week since the Great Dust Revelations I have invited other celebrants to worship in my attic on Lint Day. There is an uplifting sermon and readings from a Wise Book, like Good Housekeeping. Some sermons include posts from my blog and verses from my unfinished manuscripts.

When I am gone, having shuffled off this outer lint trap, these scriptures from the Sacred Church of the Holy Dust Motes will be preserved in a titanium-lined vat and stored in a Storage Shed of my followers’ choosing, perhaps in an isolated area in New Mexico.

To find a bigger home for my followers, and our Dust Mote teachings, we’re setting sail for Points Unknown. We shall find a country to make our own, even if it’s already taken.

Our chosen country may have a flag and a government, but no matter, with stealthy planning, it will become ours.

When I return from the ether, ready to grant to the world the secrets of the Code of the Combination Lock, we shall open the vats and share the scriptures with the world.

In the meantime, we are filing lawsuits against the agency that can grant us immortality and tax-exempt status. With enough lawsuits, we are bound to prevail, and the agency will buckle like an ancient brownstone in an earthquake.

I know this can all be done, for it Hath Come to Pass that I have heard of it happening for ‘Ron El Hubbley’ and his church of Science and Ologies.

The only fact with which I have taken great liberty is that I have no attic. Forgive me, for I have dusted.

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  1. William Jennings

    I love this post! Your imagery is consuming.

    Yet, you do realize that you have invited the Gods Of Scientology to wreak their Hell upon you, right?

    I lived in their hometown of Clearwater, Fl for many years. One does not smite the motes.
    They can be evil.

    • gigi wolf

      I realize that. I should have made up a name, but then no one would know what the heck I was talking about.

      That was such a good book about Ron El Hubbley.

      I really did clean up teachers’ desks all the time. What slobs some of them are. I don’t know how they work.

      Was it weird to live in their town? It’s in LA now, right?

  2. William Jennings

    I was a Sub here in Ala for 5 years, so I understand. There were some teacher’s desks I didn’t want to even touch.

    Ol’ Ron’s national headquarters is in LA. The one in Fla is a huge training facility, with scores of unmarked buildings scattered throughout the city. Most students wore light blue shirts and tan slacks. Made ’em easy to spot on the street. Lisa Marie had a vacation home there. And Tom Cruise, along with other celebs were frequent visitors.

    The whole thing was so surreal. Which may be why your story is so enjoyable.

    • gigi wolf

      You were a sub, too? What a trip. What grades? The absolute best was ROTC. They never got out of hand, and I didn’t have to do anything except say, ‘Enter!’Only time I was called, ‘Ma’am.’

      I never could understand how people worked in the mess in their desk or classrooms or offices. Amazing.

      Unmarked? What was THAT about? Weird. So they were as easy to spot as the Mormon missionaries, in white shirts and black ties.

      The book included the story of Tom Cruise. It is surreal.

  3. working husband/grateful provider

    OMG or Your GOD what ever you believe in.
    In any case that was WONDERFUL. You are so greatly imaginative.
    I bow down to you my Goddess.

    • gigi wolf

      Arise, Oh Believer, and come with me to the Great Mop and Bucket! xx

  4. Why go to all the bother of founding a Holy Mote “church” and all the peripheral hassle to get rich when you can just auction a piece of toast with a “portrait” of Jesus burnt into it on e-Bay for muchos euros? Somebody did back sometime, I heard.

    • gigi wolf

      Whoa! I gotta start eating more toast. You’re absolutely right. Forget the Holy Dust Motes! What a good name for a rock group.

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