Forget 8 essential apps. As usual, I have nothing that’s cutting edge, not even a smart phone.

Therefore, I don’t have any essential apps, an abbreviation I assume stands for applications, as in ‘How can I apply this to my life?’

There is a restaurant advertising ‘endless apps’.

I’m certain this stands for appetizer,  and is much more fascinating, as far as I’m concerned.

8 essential apps I need on ChezGigi.com

But, since I don’t have a Smartphone, or even one that is mildly intelligent, my life isn’t as full and satisfying as it could be.

My phone just lies on a surface somewhere, mocking me, like that shockingly immature cheese that mocks the guy in a lab coat, who ruefully decides the Big Cheese isn’t ‘ready.’

There are 8 essential apps that I would like to have; I can think of several that would make my life easier, smoother, and happier; in short, a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

8 essential apps I need on Chezgigi. com

1) I’d like an app that would remind me of who I’m not speaking to, or who I have a grudge against.

I don’t know how many times I’ve been walking the halls at work, or a store, and up walks someone I think is a stranger. This is because I’m not wearing my glasses, and everything in front of me, short of a Boeing 747, is a foggy blur.

After I smile and wave at them, I recognize the co-worker who routinely snarls every morning, hasn’t returned a ‘hello’ in ten years, and bad mouthed me to the boss.

I know we’re supposed to turn the other cheek, but I run out of cheeks all the time, and just want to keep a good grudge going.

2) I’d like an app that would tell me when to shut up already.

It would have been helpful that time I asked a man if ‘That would be one adult and two children’ only to have one of the ‘children’ hiss, ‘I’m his wife!’

Same applies to the time you ask a pregnant woman when she’s due, and she tells you she had the baby 15 years ago.

This app would lift its head from your phone, take a gander at her, and pinch you on the nipple or something, just as you’re about to open your mouth to speak.

It would be useful at work before you let it drop that you weren’t really sick yesterday, or when you’re on the phone with say, a job interviewer, and throw caution to the wind and reveal that you do, indeed, love to sniff the glue that’s in the supply closet.

3) I’d like an app that would inform me if someone is really a neurotic freak.

I could have used that app a couple of years ago with a particular person, but there are lots of neurotics to go around, and they’re deceptively charming.

People who have dating age children could make them use it, before they fall in ‘love’ with someone whose picture is hanging in the post office.

4) I’d like an app that would help me think up imaginative ways to get revenge.

It doesn’t have to be a brick through a window, or a ticking clock wired to a block of C4, but I would like harmless little ways to get even with rude people and Ass Hats.

Like sending them 100 subscription cards. They’d get a bunch of new magazines, like Chicken Ranch Digest or Blenders For Everyone, and they’d spend a lot of time canceling subscriptions.

You get to lounge at home enjoying this vision of their misery, and not worry about the Feds knocking on your door.

What, they’re going to arrest you for mailing subscription cards?

5) I’d like an app that would immediately give me a witty or scathing retort I need when I need it, not at 3am in the morning, seven hours after some twit has said something particularly stupid.

I generally come up with something like, ‘So’s your old man!’ or ‘I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!’

I need better trash talk.

Later, when I’m awakened from a sound sleep by a lack of decent closure, I have the perfect retort ready on my lips.

‘Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they’re running outta you!’

6) I’d like an app that would end all arguments in three minutes flat, with a clear winner.  Namely me.

I used to be a substitute teacher, and I’m a mother, and I have a significant other.

Many of my students, except for the English Language Learners who were much nicer and more respectful than American kids, would argue endlessly with me about stuff.

Well, they’d try, but I’d tell them to shut their cake hole, and do what they’re told.

My son was the same way; he could argue a fine point like a Harvard-educated attorney whose representing the Mob in a racketeering case.

As for significant others, how many marital arguments has anyone won? My app would declare a winner within three minutes, thus saving lives, dishes, and three days of injured silence.

7) I’d like number 6 modified for another app; when there’s an argument about politics or history, this app would give me the details to win this argument and send this bozo on his way.

I don’t keep up with current events, so an app like this would help me sleep at night, so I don’t wake up at 3am with the perfect zinger, and no one to use it on.

8) I’d like an app that could remove images from my head.

Men in Black had a nifty device for this, but it removed basic information, like your address and phone number.

Mine would just take out the images of whatever was in National Geographic or those ads on TV and posters on Facebook of abused animals.

I’m going to keep thinking about this whole app thing; it strikes me that someone is not tapping the proper markets. For instance,they have an app that maps sleep patterns, for crying out loud.

I know my sleep patterns; two hours after I fall asleep, after being kept awake trying to think of the perfect retort for that snotty clerk, I wake up to go to the bathroom.

My watch glows in the dark, so I know what time I woke up, and have now mapped my sleep patterns.

They suck.

I’d like an app that would make sure I sleep for seven hours straight, wake up refreshed, and have my coffee steaming in a cup by my bed.

8 essential apps I need if I had a smartphone on chezgigi.com