Fractured Fallacies of a Finagling Fact Finder and Obfuscating Humorist

A Woman's Guide To The Universe, Love, Sex, Romance and All of That, Things People Say With a Straight Face

Sex And Love And Limerence: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

 Sex and love are time consuming. If you are busy doing either, or both, of them, you hardly have time to grocery shop, much less go to work or clean the house.

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I must be loved, because I am shimmering in a foggy way.

When you first fall in love with someone, all you can think about is that person. When you look at them, they shimmer in that foggy way they use on television to denote someone shimmering in a foggy way.

If our hearts get broken by the person we love, it can create a chemical imbalance in the brain. This is why the stools in bars are always full. The people sitting on them had their hearts broken at one time and they’re trying to correct this chemical imbalance. This technique works so well, some people never leave their bar stools.

An aspirin can also relieve some of the physical symptoms of heartache and in addition, help the hangover, so its a win-win.

Instead of yammering on about heart attacks, Bayer should show an attractive person standing in the distance, surrounded by a shimmering fog, while another person sobs broken heartedly and swallows an aspirin. No one is tapping that market.

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I hope he can’t hear my stomach grumbling. Food before bros, always.

An intense longing for a love object that lasts for more than a few months is called ‘limerence.’ It was invented by an Irishman about 300 years ago after his heart was broken by a beautiful, dark-haired Irish lass.

To express his pain, he wrote a naughty poem and called it a limerick. His heart actually felt ‘icky’. One of his poems went:

‘There once was a man from Nantucket, Who put his aching head in a bucket, The bucket was empty, So the man sat on a bar stool and drank’.

This is not a good example of a limerick. If you think you can do better, please feel free to waste your time thinking of one while sitting on a bar stool, drinking.

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Those first, intense feelings for your newly discovered ‘other’ is known as the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship.

Later, if you two should marry, you will get another honeymoon, but if you have used up all your feelings in the first one, then the second should just be spent in Vegas at the blackjack tables, where your luck may improve.

During one of the honeymoons, you will think your love object is perfect. This distorted view helps ensure the continuation of the human species. I’m not sure what they called it in the Olden Days when men used to steal women from their tents and take them home to keep them for their own tribes.

Whether they were intensely in love, or not, is up for conjecture, but it did ensure the continuation of our species, at least among peoples who lived in tents.

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Forget about her, son. You’ll just get yurt if you try to steal her.

Someone who fixates on someone else for a few years definitely has something more than a crush. They are truly obsessed, and will remain so until their agents tell them its time to commit infidelity, cause a controversy, and be offered new parts in movies.

Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Hollywood and the Great Endless Loves of that enchanted place. With regular people, who have a harder time finding someone new to be obsessed with, restraining orders are generally taken out.

Freud was one of the first to try to help troubled women. He saw a great many in his practice. We call it a practice, because he never became good at diagnosing women. He did not see men, because he thought there was nothing wrong with any of them.

He would tell his female patients that they were hysterical whenever they became upset. Victorian women spent all their spare time upset, of which there wasn’t a lot, due to a lack of appliances and having to put up with arrogant Victorian husbands.

So Freud, ever the optimist, invented a machine that looked like a giant metal detector and used it on women who were obsessed, whether with a love object or with secretly plotting to kill their husbands. This device gave them an orgasm.

If the women refused to have an orgasm, Freud would have them committed. Which was fine with them, because they could finally get some rest.

Why Freud didn’t just invent the modern washing machine, vacuum, and microwave instead, I don’t know. He wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun with his patients though, and the man liked a good therapy session.

This orgasm machine generally did not cure women of anything, but some of them did develop an obsession with going to see Freud as many times as possible. They kept telling their families that they were Making Progress, but were still Far From a Solution, and therefore, Many More Sessions would be required.

Perhaps until they died.

They developed an obsession with Freud.

Freud did not prescribe aspirin for these brokenhearted ladies, because they had trouble holding an aspirin between their knees.

There are several possible solutions to cure you of an unhealthy obsession with a love object, especially an obsession with an arrogant Victorian man, who are now all dead.

I would suggest visualizing your love object’s flaws, and then using a device as much like Freud’s as possible. Visualize this person as a cockroach who wouldn’t know a good therapy session from a hole in the ground.

That should do it. Then go have a drink at the nearest bar and compose dirty limericks.

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