I was driving home from my pool work out the other day in my pickup truck, feeling all serene and endorphin-filled. I avoid main streets with traffic lights whenever I can, so I took a street that requires looking from left to right and back again before hauling bumper to the other side.
A compact coming from the left had its signal on, had slowed down and moved into the left turn mode. I looked to the right one more time and began to pull out. The driver of the compact had changed his mind and was now right in front of my grille.
My purse and all its contents went flying and so did my temper, as I slammed on the brakes. The driver continued blithely on his way.
As curses flew, along with my purse, I considered following him and ramming his rear end until he groveled at my feet and promised to drive properly ever after. I never would have considered such a thing had I been driving my staid Mom Van.
In exchange for not carrying weapons of any kind, I get to drive a pickup truck.
I pondered this change in my normally forgiving and sweet nature (and if you believe that, I have a dam in Nevada I’d like to sell you) and thought about 6 reasons driving a badass pickup truck is life-threatening.
To other drivers.
1) Pickup trucks are bigger than other cars.
This means they can force you to be courteous on the road.
I generally try to be polite in all situations. Other people, not so much. When I signal a request and an intent to merge with traffic in the lane for the freeway or an exit, and no one has stepped forward, so to speak, to let me over, I don’t let a lot of time go by before I just start moving over anyway.
It’s your fender, buddy. Move it or lose it.
2) Pickup trucks are driven by type A personalities.
Even if the drivers aren’t, we become that way, much like Christine possessed her dweeby little driver, Arnie. I got this way from constantly having to force people to be courteous. It’s my cross to bear.
To paraphrase a fairly well-known president, some people are born pickup truck drivers, some achieve pickup trucks, and some have pickup trucks thrust upon them.
I fit the last one. My guy is a mechanic, and there are vehicles of all sorts coming into and out of the family. This is much like other professions. Doctors bringing home patients, CPAs bringing home company funds; you get the picture.
Someone needed a big work van he had, and traded his pickup and some money for it. My Mom Van was having problems, so I became a pickup truck driver.
3) Pickup truck drivers can throw all kinds of things in the back of their truck and use them to throw at people.
You can do this in any number of other cars, but opening the back door and fumbling around for a pipe wrench is harder with a compact.
4) Pickup truck drivers are mentally challenged, according to this guy.
I was searching for reasons people drive pickup trucks, besides the obvious one of having to haul tools, lumber, etc. and I came across this guy on a bodybuilding (?) forum.
Yeah, I don’t know why one has anything to do with the other either, unless someone thinks you should be really buff to drive a truck:
“I have come to the conclusion that pickup truck drivers are retarded. Every single time I see someone do something stupid on the road, its being done in a pickup. (Okay, not every time, the rest of the time it’s a woman, but I digress) You are all drooling fat idiots. 99% of the time there’s nothing even in the back so why do you even have one?”
My, my. People who make blanket statements should maybe be smothered with those blankets. And then thrown into the back of a pickup.
If what he says is true, and I’m mentally challenged, then guys like this really need to watch out. I have two strikes against me; I drive a pickup and I’m a woman.
By the way, I corrected multiple errors in his statement before I copy/pasted it. Who’s mentally challenged now?
He should read the beginning of this post. The guy driving that compact was a man.
5) Pickup truck drivers think they’re really hot.
I’m not sure in what way being sexy is life-threatening to other drivers, but I’m working on it. Bear with me.
Pickup truck drivers can also do lots of other things, things you will never catch me doing, so don’t even ask.
For instance, this writer says:
“People tend to associate big pickup trucks with strength, skill and rugged individualism. We assume the person who drives one can change a tire, sweat pipe joints, do electrical work and hunt game for dinner. If someone is stuck in a snow drift or a roadside ditch, the pickup driver can pull them out. Indeed, it seems there are few obstacles a person cannot overcome with a pickup truck, a tool box and a pair of tow cables.”
On the contrary, there are many obstacles that cannot be overcome when you refuse to break a nail changing a tire.
I do know how to be sexy, however. If you need someone to do a Claudette Colbert and get you a ride into town, I’ll try. It’s been a few years since I had to employ those kinds of tactics, though. I’m a little rusty.
This will happen of course, because the pickup has a flat, and I refuse to change the tire myself.
6) Pickup truck drivers can quote Thoreau at you.
And we all know what a badass Thoreau was.
The author below wrote an excellent article on why pickup trucks represent America at its best and most rugged. I told him I was going to share this, to show how pickup truck drivers are just as literary as the next mentally challenged driver.
We go to liberries, too. Same as compact driving idjits.
He uses quotes from Thoreau’s On Walden Pond to illustrate his points. It was quite artistic, and gave me a warm glow, to know that I am such a Yankee, as I drive to my community pool, stop at the convenience store, and come home to write this on my laptop.
To share it, which your friends will thank you for, just push one of those pretty buttons below-